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My husband's secret "friend"
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DawnK40 posted:
My husband and I have been together almost 10 years and married 7. I have 4 children from a previous marriage, he has 3 and we just had a baby together last March after an uplanned pregnancy a year before that in which we miscarried.
This has been a very very rocky marriage. My husband had anger issues and his family did nothing but start problems with us from the start and continued to place a wedge between us.
About 3 years ago my husband found out he was diabetic. After getting on medication for diabetes and depression he changed completely. His anger was under control and he finally stood up for me and shut his family out.
The last 3 years have been the best or so I thought. Saturday night I saw messages on his phone to a girl I did not know. He had been asking her for a pic in which she sent one. They told each other happy birthday, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. She asked when he was going to go see her and he said in a few weeks, she lives about 2 1/2 hours from us. I sent a message pretending to be him. I asked if she missed me and she said how can I miss you I don't even know you. She said something again about going down there and I asked what she wanted to do, she said well you have been saying you were going to take me out to lunch for over a year now. I said it was hard to get away and she said I thought you said the wifey wouldn't care...maybe I should talk to her... lol
I was so upset I imediately confronted him. He tried to tell me she was a friend from school ( she is 3 years younger than him and he has never mentioned her before and also she said she didn't know him) and that he did nothing wrong. I asked him about the trip to see her and he said he wasn't going to, so I said oh you lied to her and he said yeah I guess. I don't believe anything he has said nothing made any sense. I think this whole thing was an affair in the making. And now I wonder how many times he has done this and I never knew about it...this was going on for a year even while I was pregnant. I am pretty positive had I not seen these messages that he would have went and saw her and the physical part would have started. We have been through so much. We misscarried two years ago and last March I had a beautiful baby boy...which he wanted badly. Our baby had some medical conditions and had to have open heart surgery a few months ago this situation had brought us even closer.
I am just sick inside that he has done this. He won't explain himself and has just been sleeping on the couch since then. He said he wouldn't talk to her anymore and is sorry but that is it. I want to know the truth. I want to know where he met her and when did he start talking to her and why???? I have have no trust for him. Everytime he is on his laptop or phone I invision the worst. I have not talked to him and I can't even be around him without feeling sick to my stomach. I feel like he has been so deseptive that he just stays away from me so he does not have to say anything. I don't know what to do. I am so hurt and I really don't know the best way to handle this and to find out the real truth.
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darlyn05 responded:
How did you approach him when you confronted him? Did you start by asking? Was your tone and attitude one of shock maybe mixed with a little of anger, or just anger? Did you ask him why he felt the need to converse with this person?

From what you have written I don't think this is the first time this has happened because of his dismissive attitude, avoiding you/issue, and sleeping on the couch unless this is a reaction due to the attitude you brought into it. Also as you have written his story is not connecting to make a true sense of it.

If I was in your situation and he wants to make things right again(he wouldn't dismiss it, avoid you/issue or sleep on the couch), I would have a calm discussion with him letting him know the different feelings this has brought on for me/you and what I/you need from him(realistically-not over the top into controlling) so I could forgive and move forward. If he was not receptive to even meeting me/you half way then I would take it that this occurence was not as innocent as he wants me/you to believe, OR is he figuratively speaking that "macho" of a man to be this dismissive?.?
 
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darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
I don't know if this link will be helpful or not.

http://forums.webmd.com/3/relationships-and-coping-community/forum/156/31#31
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
First off, I wanted to say that your approach (whatever it may have been) is not the issue/problem here. I can't imagine that anyone in their right mind would approach that type of situation with a calm "Sweetie who is so and so and why are you going to meet her?" That's just not reality.

Anyway.

He is definitely avoiding talking about the situation by sleeping on the couch. He owes you more than "I'm sorry". I know you are angry right now but you have to talk about it. Ask him pointed questions that you want answered and tell him that you need answers.

I'm not sure if you want to fix your marriage or not, but even though what he did was pretty crappy, you have been married for 7 years and clearly you thought your marriage was in a good place before this. It sounds like there are some definite things to work through, but you have to move past the nerves and talk to him about it. You can't rebuild trust or get answers by avoiding the situation, and like I said, he owes you that, clearly he's in the wrong here and has seriously breeched your trust.

((HUGS))
 
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DawnK40 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I realized after I had written this that I was not clear on my approach. I was very upset. I started with questions such as are you cheating on me or have you ever cheated on me. He said no. I said have you ever talked to another girl that I don't know about...he started to say no and I said you better think about this question and be truthful then he said well there is Lisa shes kust a friend. That is when I started to loose it. I showed in the messages and the messages between her and I . He just acted like nothing. I got so angry that there were plenty of words used and I mean not pretty words. He never acted on them he just let me spout off at the mouth then I in the other room he watched a little TV and went to bed. I did tell him that I was not sleeping on the couch because I did nothing wrong and told him not to touch me that he made me sick. I sent him an email a day later while he was working.....a long email pointing everything out that did not make sense. He just responed with one line sorry for what I did I wont talk to her anymore please forgive me love Jim. Well I feel this was just to shut me up and an easy way out for him without any explaining. Since then it has been the silent treatment. Seperate rooms and no eye contact. My kids are older and asking what is going on and why is he sleeping on the couch etc. They heard us yelling at each other but have no idea what the problem is. I do need answers and I want them now. I am going to send him a text and tell him he needs to come home this afternoon to talk. What bothers me the most is he barely has time for me but he sure made time to talk with his "friend". I also sent her a private message on facebook after I searched her name and found her on there. I was decent and did not threaten I just asked her why she had been talking to my husband for so long and what were their intentions etc. She never replied back. I would think if this was some misunderstanding and I really was taking it the wrong way she would have messaged be back letting me know but she had nothing to say at all.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to DawnK40's response:
I'm not going to condemn you for your anger. When we're upset, it shows, naturally. COULD you have been calmer about it? Sure....but is that how things normally go when someone is upset and passionate about being lied to? Rarely. So I'd be the last person to jump you about that.

I thought for a minute how I would feel if my husband had done the same thing. I'd be furious!! I'd feel like he disrespected me and our children and our 15 year marriage with that behavior. You have every right to be upset.

I do think that you are right, he thinks that saying "sorry" and "I won't do it again" gets him off the hook. But I really, really think that if you don't talk it through it will continue to fester and there will be a major blowup.

You really do need to go into the conversation asking questions and waiting for answers. As hard as it might be, now that the shock has worn off and you've vented your anger to him, this is the time to have that rational discussion. You can do it.

If he can't communicate with you about this after everything you've been through, then there's a real problem. I'm under the impression that you thought everything was just fine until this happened. He needs to tell you what's going on.

((HUGS))
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
First I want to say I would've reacted very similar to you. I would've lost it pretty badly, no doubt about that.

However, as an outsider looking in I see something different than what you're seeing. He talked to her for a year and never met up with her... yes, he was probably getting to a point where he needed to put up or shut up with her, but he never met up with her in that year's time. 2 1/2 hours is not far if you want something to happen.

What I'm getting at is the possibility that he used that woman as a way to deal with all the trials going on in your lives. I'm NOT saying what he did was alright in anyway whatsoever. I'm thinking that maybe he truly never had intentions of an affair.

Please don't think I'm justifying his actions at all. It's just that he reaction to you seems to me like a man that is lost and sad and doesn't know what to do next. He's not arguing, justifying, or being defensive. From a man's head, he probably doesn't want to give more details for fear that he will only hurt you more not knowing that is what you need to heal.

I think counseling is what you two need to do. He needs to understand the consequences to his actions include divulging the details. I don't think either of you are in the right mind frame to begin the conversation or keep it on track. You need that third person to help guide the conversation and allow you to express your emotions in a healthy way at the same time.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope you're able to work thru it, but for now you are going through emotions that are completely understandable and a natural part of the process.

Do you want your marriage to work? Would you both be willing to go to counseling?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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darlyn05 replied to DawnK40's response:
I understand where you are coming from in all aspects of this situation. Which I don't think your feelings and such are unjustified. And I would ask if you are able to, within the next day or so after the "heat" of the emotions have lessened some, to re-read his text:

"He just responed with one line sorry for what I did I wont talk to her anymore please forgive me love Jim."

This does sound sincere, yet only you know, without the heat of your emotions, if he is sincere. I'm all for working relationships out. I think in a calm manner you need to tell him how hurtful, deceitfull, the sense of betrayal, loss of trust, loss of intimate emotions, anger and all the rest you feeling. And without going over the top, let him know what you need and expect to make things right again.

Do you want this marriage to work out? People have survived affairs, and this sounds like an emotional affair. Usually when there is an affair of any kind there are things missing in the relationship. Steph went through some things with her husband and humbly admitted her end in it. I'm guessing if he's not a narcissist and attention grabber, he has needs that may have been missing from your marriage.
 
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darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
P.S. I did not mean to single any one person out. I have flaws and shortcomings as well. Self reflection and awareness is a blessing. So today must be my blessing.
 
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DawnK40 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Well we had our "talk" and I feel more confused then before. I told him I wanted to know everything right from the start. He said that he had been on classmates.com awhile back and had gotten an email that someone had signed his guestbook so he went on there and it was her and there was her email address so he emailed her to ask how she was and if she kept in touch with any other classmates etc. Well they continued to talk from there on and he said that she wanted to get together for lunch if they ever were close by. I asked to see his yearbook and he said he did not have his Senior yearbook which would have been the only one she would have been in because she was a Freshman when he was a Senior. Then I said what year did she graduate their school. He said well she only went to their highschool a couple years and ended up transfering to another school and graduated from the other school. I said so your telling me that you wanted to talk to a girl about old classmates when a. she is 3 years younger than you and not even in your class b. did not even graduate from the same highschool and c. you have not talked to her in over 20 years but 10 years ago you just saw all of your classmates at your 10 year reunion...I had gone with him we had just started dating. Not one bit of that makes any sense. I told him I wanted to see the guestbook she signed but he was also unable to produce that evidence either. At this point he is raising his voice and telling me I don't believe anything he tells me so why bother explaining it. I told him I have 5 children and I am 7 years older than this girl who has no children and at my age I am not about to compete with her. If this is what he wants then go for it. I will take the children and go. I do not need this and I have to much respect for myself to beg him to be with me. He started hugging me...I love you so much, I want to be with you etc etc. It pretty much was left at that... the baby got up from his nap and I was just at a loss for words. I have taken into consideration that he has not actually seen her but he started talking to her while I was pregnant. I had a complicated pregnancy and was in and out of the hospital. Our baby was born with Down syndrome and 3 holes in his heart which he just had open heart surgery a couple months ago. Before that is was crazy with so many appointments, feeding issues and a hospital stay for myself and then for the baby and also holidays that I feel he honestly did not have the time to even think about seeing her but now that things are starting to quiet down in our lives that is where he has turned his focus. I am not against counseling we have gone in the past. My problem is he is so insistent on this story that I feel it will be a waste of time becuse I still do not believe he has been honest and he swears he has. I truely think he kept her hanging on and if the moment ever aross such as an argument between him and I that he would have went to see her and I believe it would have turned physical.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to DawnK40's response:
I'm gonna guess that he was probably telling some half-truths in there. Like she probably did go to his school, BUT he didn't know her at all.

I'm very sorry that you've had such hard times, especially with your baby. I would think that would make his actions so much more painful. You are in a very tough spot right now. I really feel for you. I wish I had more to say right now. I will think on it...

Is there anyone you are close to that you can talk with right now, or vent to?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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queston replied to DawnK40's response:
Several months ago, my wife violated my trust in a serious way (not related to sexual fidelity). I think she really didn't understand what a big deal it was to me, until she agreed to go with me to the therapist I had been seeing at the time, and the therapist said very bluntly: "When [queston> described this to me, he was very distraught and thinking that perhaps divorce was the appropriate path at this point."

There's something about hearing it in cold, hard, simple terms with no beating around the bush.

It sounds to me like you don't believe you are getting the whole truth from him. My advice would be to tell him so very bluntly: "I don't believe that I'm getting the whole truth, and if you expect our marriage to survive this, you are going to have to provide it to me. Then perhaps we can begin the process of rebuilding trust. If we can't have these conversations on our own, then we better find a counselor to help us."
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
I'm going to agree with everyone who suggested counseling. I think there's a reason your husband was talking to this girl, and I believe that the reason will only come out in counseling. Right now he's probably too afraid to talk to you about it because you don't believe any of what he's saying and he feels lost.

And I think you'll be unable to believe any of what he says because you're so upset (and it's extremely understandable why you're upset). Having a 3rd party present will really help you to be more calm and talk things out with your husband.

I know you feel betrayed, and you were definitely betrayed emotionally by him talking to this girl. But if he's been talking to her for a year and clearly hasn't met her in person, I don't think he was intentionally going to get physical with her. (However that doesn't mean that the constant emotional affair would have led to physical.)

What I'm saying is, I think that you found out about this at a good time. Things are slowing down and getting less crazy for you guys. I think it's a good time to go to counseling, I'm sure with all of your hardships that you're both harboring some deep emotions that you need to get in touch with and talk about.

I wish you love and luck, my friend. <3
 
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DawnK40 replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Thank you everyone for taking the time to listen and all of your advice. I have talked to my mother and sister but they really do not say much just agree with me. I will see what can be done as far as counseling as I have needed to take so much time off to care for my son that I lost my job and my husband and I have both agreed it is best for me to keep him out of daycare and stay home with him he has so many appointments, Dr., Opthamology, Cardiologist and physical and ocupational therapy. So with the loss of my income and huge amount of Dr. bills I know we could only get counseling maybe through a church or something of that matter where it would not cost us much. I am very offish to him and he is wanting to act like we are "ok" now that we talked. I told him I do not believe him so he knows it he just said he agrees it looks bad but he is telling the truth. It is very hurtful even more so that he has done this with all we have gone through with our son. I don't really know why he continued to talk with this girl. It's not like he was getting support about what he was going through with our son's health...he did not even tell her he had any children. I know that I have always been here for him so it wasn't that he could not talk to me about anything. I really think she was just a fantasy of some sort. Maybe the fooled around in highschool maybe not (of course he claims he did not). I blunty asked him if he wanted to be with her or someone else. I would much rather be apart then feel like I have to sneak around and look through his things. Those are things I should have to worry about doing to my teenagers not my husband...and I don't even have to do that with them.
 
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3point14 replied to DawnK40's response:
I'm completely not trying to justify what he did, and my heart just about broke reading about what went on with your baby. But maybe with all that going on, he just wanted/needed a distraction. Maybe he was terrified of what you two were going through, and maybe he didn't feel like he could talk to you about it. I know you've said you were there for him and he could come to you with anything, but maybe the difficult pregnancy scared him and he didn't want to burden you with it. Maybe his thoughts were that you were going through the worst of it, and he didn't want to be another voice in your ear talking about fear, pain and sadness.I don't think she was support to him, but a distraction. Someone in his life who didn't know about the extremely scary thing he went through, know what I mean? I'm not saying that it makes what he did excusable, but maybe it would make a difference to you if you knew the "why".

Does he seem sincerely sorry? I understand you believe that he would've gone on to have a physical affair with her, but he didn't, and he had a year to do so. Is he still talking with her? What would it take at this point for you to believe him when he says he didn't want her? What would it take for you to feel secure in your marriage? Counseling sounds like a great idea, and if he's willing and you're both able to do it, you definitely both should.

I would recommed against sneaking around and going through his things. Instead, ask him to show you. He already hasn't been able to produce proof of his story, but maybe if you ask to go through his e-mail, stuff like that, you can see that not only was this it, but that he is sincere about working things out with you and willing to help you get over your extremely understandable insecurity. Think a lot about what he can do to make you feel good about your marriage, and maybe write those things down to bring to a therapist. Perhaps ask him to do the same, write down ways you can move on from this and things that made him keep this all a secret.

Again, you have my deepest sympathy. I can't even imagine how enraged and heart-broken you were, and definitely don't blame you for freaking out on him initially. He deserved it, even if he wasn't having an affair, it was a betrayal. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your son is in my prayers.


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