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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
How to earn trust back ??
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Missarah posted:
The main problem: I recently told my boyfriend that I had slept with my ex-boyfriend a couple of times when he had broken up with me about 6 months ago. He asked me back then if I did anything while we were broken up and I lied, told him I never did anything with anyone. Now, down the road, we are in love, we ultimately want a future together, a house, kids, the whole nine. But now that he found out I had been keeping that lie from him this whole time, he feels as if our whole relationship has been a lie and cannot trust me and wants to know why I did it, why I lied about it, and why I kept it from him for THIS long, and how I could possibly live with myself knowing that secrect and how much it would kill him... How could I respect him and how have I been truthful since, if I've held onto that big, bad, terrible lie.

Now, a little bit of the backstory and details:
I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for a little over a year now. Things were really rocky in the beginning, and he was even seeing and sleeping with another girl (who happened to be his upstairs neighbor at the time) for a couple months last spring, and doing so 100% behind my back. He also lied when he told me he ended things with her and only came clean when me and her talked to each other and confronted him together. Around that time we would break up on occasion, usually he would be the one to break up with me, for usually the same reasons: I didn't open up enough, I didn't have enough direction/ambition, he just didn't know what I was thinking or what I wanted to do with my life. Around that time, on a couple of different occasions that he broke up with me, I spent some time with my ex-boyfriend, whom I'd stayed very close friends with, and we ended up having sex. I've since stopped talking to my ex-boyfriend out of respect for my current boyfriend (even though me and the ex wished to remain friends), and have not done anything since, nor lied about anything since.
And this whole relationship I've caught him in several lies and situations of him contacting other girls, mostly ex-girlfriends that he loved, telling them he wanted to be w/them, flirting, saying sexual things, ect. He claims he did that b/c he wasn't happy with us, b/c he wanted validation when I wasn't being attentive enough, b/c he thought I was probably doing the same... and he also claims I've caught him in every single thing he's done wrong and figured out every lie. Additionally on a couple of occasions when we broke up he was sexual with other girls. But he told me about it. After some proding. I'm still unsure if he's told me.. or admitted to, rather.. everything. And that can partially be based on a couple of random small things I know or knew that I didn't confront him with, and he didn't bring up, but yet he insisted that I had found out everything.

I want to move past this .. We BOTH want to move past this. How can we both do so and trust each other again. And how do I get him to trust me again?

I do know that lying is wrong, no matter the justification, and I will never lie again. I did so selfishly because I was scared of his reaction, and wasn't really sure that he was completely honest either.
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tmlmtlrl responded:
The whole foundation of your relationship has been full of lies, excuses, and blame. I don't see how you can say you want to trust each other again when it doesn't seem as tho you were ever really able to trust each other in the first place.

I highly doubt you know everything. One reason being how he is treating you about your lie. He is positive there is more to it << that says to me that because there is more to his lies he is sure there has to be more to yours.

It also seems to me (and for lack of better words) that he is playing you like a fiddle. My guess is that you are more devoted and invested in this relationship than he is.

I suppose if he really does want to have a real long term relationship with you then maybe he will go to counseling with you so you can both hash out these feelings and learn to better communicate and to turn towards each other rather than run the other way when things get tough.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
I can't think of any further to add to TMLMTLRL response.
 
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Missarah replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Opinions on what is "really" going on aside.. I'm looking for advice on what can get us past this, what can be done to build trust again and move forward. How it can be shown that I am a trustworthy partner that will not hold secrets and tell lies despite this wrongdoing. Obviously counseling would be a big help, but if I could afford counseling I wouldnt be posting on a message board, I'd be talking to a counselor.

Not to discredit your thoughts, I appreciate being to the point on what you believe is the case.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to Missarah's response:
Well my response was based on the full story that you provided.

The only way to earn trust is to be a trustworthy person (ie, being honest) and letting enough time go by so that the other person finally deems you trustworthy. There is no shortcuts to trust, especially after it has been broken.

With that said, he also has to be willing to allow you to be that trustworthy person. If he constantly attacks or picks at your every action or word you will only find yourself going in circles and proving nothing.

What has he done to prove his trustworthiness to you? As in is there something specific you could pinpoint that he did that helped you along the way, something you think you could also do for him?

Big picture is you both screwed up and this is the consequence. If you both truly want this future together then you will be there for each other and trust will be evident in your relationship.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
It sounds like you both have trouble telling the truth to each other. Is there something you guys are both afraid of? Are you afraid of rejection when you tell him the truth? Maybe he's afraid of the same thing.

He also seems a bit controlling. I don't see why it's ok for him to sleep with/talk to other women and then condemn you for sleeping with your ex. I think you're sort of getting walked all over here.

As for counseling, it was very difficult for me to find one that I could afford too so I know how you feel. If you're comfortable with a Christian counselor, a lot of churches offer free counseling (at least where I live they do). Or do you know any mature married couples who seem like they would have good advice? Maybe just talk to some people like that.

I think more than anything, you guys need to work on yourselves separately. I think there's so much behind your guys' actions and perhaps figuring yourself/himself out will help put perspective on it.

Good luck to you!


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