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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
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An_242149 posted:
I work fulltime M-F and sometimes on a Saturday. I don't have normal fulltime hours. Anyways, I feel like my husband doens't appreciate me. I come home from work, cook him dinner (even if he's been home for hours), sometimes I clean the mess from dinner the following morning, sometimes not. I try to clean up by doing laundry or picking up stuff that is lying around. Most of the time he is watching tv while I do this. Last night I set the dishes in the sink so I could clean them in the morning and he had a cow. He started washing the dishes and told me that all he dose is clean. Seriously? By the way, he doesn't have a fulltime job.
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An_242149 responded:
P.S. I believe his mother is to blame for part of this as she has many kids, all old enough to clean up after themselves. And she picks up after them. If we go to dinner over there NONE of them put there dishes in the dishwasher after, because she'll do it for them.
 
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queston responded:
I'm a big believer in the distribution of personal responsibility. By which I mean, both parties are aware of and have agreed to who is going to be responsible for what. (From a broader philosophical perspective: I believe that any task is much more likely to be done when there is one person who has accepted responsibility for making sure it is done.)

In my marriage, we never fight about the domestic chores which we have handled this way: I cook, she cleans up the kitchen. I take out the trash. I take the dogs out in the morning, she does so in the evening. I grocery shop, she pays the bills. And so on.

The division of labor issues we're more likely to squabble about are the ones we've never explicitly divided up. So the best solution, IMHO? Explicitly divide them up.

Obviously, if one of you is working full-time and the other isn't, this should factor into the division of household labor considerably.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
You need to tell him exactly how you feel. Don't be vague at all, he's a grown man and he should be able to look around and see what needs to be done. It does sound like he's just used to having someone do it for him, though. Which is very annoying.
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
I'm really sorry you're not made to feel appreciated. I've no idea why someone who doesn't work full-time can't help out more around the house.

I think the way your mother-in-law treats her kids has a lot to do with how your husband acts. I feel ya on that one...

I agree with what everybody said about dividing up the chores. It'll be hard at first and he'll probably throw a bunch of fits but it'll be become routine and then you'll both be at peace.

I wish you much luck and I hope you get more chances to relax! <3
 
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An_242149 replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Thank you all for your advice. It is just so frustrating to not feel appreciated.
 
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ajohnson08099 replied to An_242149's response:
I understand how you feel!! My DF drove me nuts for a LONG time because he'd be out of work and I'd come home to a wrecked out. I'd feed him and clean up even though he had been home all day. I finally got fed up with it and I guess technically started "nagging" eventually he just started doing more things on his own because I stopped and then would ask him when I went to work please do the dishes, ect.

Sometimes I feel bad because now I will come home and there will be nothing for me to help out with. But its nice to come home to a clean house. Because before all he would do was play a game or computer or something. Its like umm no I just worked a 40 hour week I am not cleaning up after you.

I think how his mom taught him means a lot. But you need to explain to him how you feel and have a discussion, because he obviously feels like he does a lot more than he actually does. I think PP are right. You guys need to make a list and devide it up if it makes things easier.

Good luck!


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