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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
He cheated...I didn't find out until AFTER he asked me to marry him.HELP!
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 posted:
I am a mother of 3 (1 child with my now fiancé) I found out about a month ago that he cheated on me a year ago for a period of a few months..This has left me DEVESTATED!.I love this man with all my heart and I know that he loves me but I don't know how to get over this pain.Every time I look in the mirror I feel ugly, Im always thinking he's up to something...this is just crazy! He tried denying it at first but finally told the truth when he knew I talked to the woman and knew all the details. This makes me wonder..what else is there that I don't know about?? He says he doesn't know why he did it and that this was the ONLY thing that he did PHYSICALLY as far as cheating goes...He got on his knee and cried promising to never do it again and his reason for not telling the truth was "because we are engaged now and that this happened almost a year ago.he didn't want to hurt me" Please..any suggestions will be helpful.I'm in so much pain..I wake up and go to sleep thinking about this and about what he could possibly still be doing behind my back...but I don't bring it up all the time to avoid fighting in front of my kids..sorry if this sounds like scattered thoughts but I'm beside myself right now...our wedding is supposed to be in 1year.
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
I feel so sad for you right now. I cannot possibly imagine what you're going through. I don't have any suggestions at the moment but I just want you to know that I am hoping you're able to get through this ok and I'm sure lots of people on this message board will help you.
Please remember that no matter what, you're beautiful and special and this man's actions are his own fault.

Love and luck dear! <3
 
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Thank you very much for your kind words..It means a lot right now : )

I forgot to add...we are going to seek counseling but til then, I'm a mess! He's promised to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back but it hasn't even been a full month since I found out and he's acting like nothing ever happened..I don't know what to do...sighs and tears....
 
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queston replied to Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2's response:
To be crude, this is the time to use the leverage that you have.

He wants to marry you. I'd consider telling him to consider the wedding postponed pending the outcome of counseling. I wouldn't necessarily go so far as to cancel reservations, etc.

If you wear an engagement ring, perhaps you could stop wearing it. The idea is to make real for him the notion that the future you have planned together is not happening until/unless this issue is seriously addressed.

How old was your relationship at the time the cheating took place? And had the child you have together been born at that time? Conceived?
 
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 replied to queston's response:
I have postponed the wedding and took the ring off. A few days after I took my ring off, he came to me w/the ring and put it back on promising to do the right thing...Our relationship was in a GREAT place when he cheated(or so I thought it was)... And we had just found out that I was pregnant. We were one year into the relationship but I've known him for over 10 years..Ive tried all of your suggestions and he says that he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust back..Im so confused.My best friend told me that I should consider the fact that this was before we were engaged but I just can't/won't make excuses for him.My heart is broken and I have been depressed every day since I found out : ( This is a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...Thank u so much for reading and even caring to reply.
 
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MissCaptainKirk replied to Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2's response:
I think you're doing the right thing. It'd be a bad decision to just let him off the hook right away before really thinking about this. I'm sorry that you had to find this out but at least it was before you got married.

I do want to ask one thing, I noticed you said: "this was the ONLY thing that he did PHYSICALLY as far as cheating goes..." Does that mean he cheated on you in another way, like emotionally?

I think counseling is a really good idea, is that going well?

You are continuously in my thoughts. Stay strong!
 
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Yes..there have been other things that he admitted to..(sexting, and emails) We haven't been to counseling yet..but it is a MUST and he agrees.I'm going to try and stay strong...thank you again for even bothering to read and reply.People don't realize how much it helps..especially at a time like this.Thank you and God Bless you!
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2's response:
Don't listen to your friend. If you and he were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship the fact that he cheated before you were engaged does not matter. I was never engaged until hubby but if any of my previous bfs would have cheated on me I would have been very hurt regardless if we were engaged or not.
 
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fcl replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
Definitely don't listen to your friend. Engagement or not, you were a couple and cheating is a HUGE betrayal.

Good luck with the counselling
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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MissCaptainKirk replied to Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2's response:
Oh my. He obviously has some commitment issues. Why is he sexting/emailing other women? That's definitely not something a future husband should be doing AT ALL.

I'm really glad you're adamant about counseling. Obviously there's a lot going on here that needs brought to light.

You're a very strong woman and the fact that you're standing up for yourself and dealing with this here and now is an amazing testament to how strong you are. I feel certain everything will work out for you.

I'll be praying for you/thinking of you!
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
Hey just checkin in, hope you're doin ok! Still thinkin of you, hope all is well.

<3
 
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Hello MissCaptainKirk..Thank you again for checking up on me. I'm having more good days than bad now..Nothing else has changed besides the fact that he keeps telling me how sorry he is...I'm thinking it's a little too late for that..I don't see myself getting over this. I always trust until I'm given a reason not to and he did..so...still no counseling yet, but I will definitely be back with an update.God Bless you for everything.You have helped me since my very 1st post and it means a lot..ESP when I'm having "one of those days" when I just cry all day.I can't thank you enough!
 
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your input : ) I agree..however, i am engaged to him and I love him with all my heart...I'm hoping counseling will help.
 
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Mommyof3withaBrokenheart2 replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
Exactly.I am extremely hurt..I'm just trying my best to make this work before i just let him go..thank you for reading and replying : )
 
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mommy2510 responded:
I went through the same thing with my husband. We got together three years ago, he had even moved him and his daughter into the house I was living in, it was that serious of a relationship. But then out of nowhere he was on the computer all the time, hiding his phone from me. I thought things were great too. He went to go see a girl he'd known since he was like 14. Her son was in the hospital getting his tonsils out. He NEVER came home. Three different nights I watched his daughter and waited for him to come "home" On the third day he was gone I got a message from this girl on myspace. She said he had told her he and I were over and that she could be pregnant with his baby. I was DEVASTATED! How could he have done this to me. I deleted him from my profile, erased all his pictures changed my relationship status and deleted his number from my phone. I was so hurt, I cried for days! When he finally got the nerve up to talk to me the first words were I didn't do anything. That made EVERYTHING worse. I kicked him out of the house I was living in (which was his sister's,lol) We didn't talk for almost a week. His whole family told me at his sister-in-laws baby shower that the girl on the couch was who my husband had slept with. HIS WHOLE FAMILY KNEW BUT YET HE COULDN'T BE HONEST WITH ME! It had been almost 2 months since it happened and I found out I was pregnant with our son. We've had talks about it but NOTHING seems to make him to just tell me the truth. I eventually pushed it to the back of my mind. It's hard to do. But LOVE CONQUERS ALL. We can't help who we love. I applaud you for going to counseling. I still think about that email everyday, but I don't let it get to me. He is in my arms, he comes home to me, he lays in bed with me, he tells me his secrets, his fears, his dreams. If your fiancee is sharing the most important things with you maybe you should give him another chance without judging him on something that happened in the past. I've dealt with my husband sexting 2 different women other than me. It's been the hardest thing to do, just let it go. We can help how we react to problems. If you can get over this then your relationship just went to the next level. Forgiveness is the key, but you don't have to forget it ever happened. He should be doing ANYTHING to keep you by his side if he truly loves you and wants to spend his life as your partner. Go to counseling and use the keys they give you to move your relationship forward from this dark place. Just REMEMBER WHAT MADE YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND LOOK PAST HIS MISTAKES. Everyone deserves a second chance. AND GOOD FOR NOT FIGHTING IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!!!!


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