Happy Birthday, Guard!
I confess that I'm really, really jealous of my peers that don't have to work full-time and go to college. I'm trying really hard to get my money good enough to get into the program I want, but it's just not seeming super likely. I'm getting really down on myself and fear once I get into the program I want my whole life will fall apart because I simply cannot go to school fulltime and work a fulltime job and a part-time job and somehow maintain a decent GPA and afford to eat. I'm just a little depressed and resentful that every f***ing thing in my life feels like such a struggle.
I don't mind making consistent effort, I just feel like with all the effort in the world, I'll never really get solidly ahead. It's depressing to be STILL making up for my parents' debt and having the feeling that I'll be doing this forever. I know logically that I won't, but seeing through the next five years is getting hard.
I confess I just feel crappy lately. I don't love my job, I feel alienated from a lot of my friends, and I can't really depend on my parents to be consistently supportive. My boss still treats me like I'm the 19 year old she hired, and I feel like I'll never get the respect I deserve because I used to be a clich? punk rock drunk.
I've stopped talking to an AWFUL "friend" of mine who treated me like garbage, says lies about me and told everyone about what I went through last month. I respectfully told her her life was too chaotic for me to be involved with now, and that I know she told people about my (as she called it) "procedure", and that she was lying saying I was trying to cheat on M with her drunkenly. She basically raked me over coals for saying that, saying that my "normal life" now is BS and that deep down I'll always be a substance-abusing,cheat. I know it was her just being mean because I was calling her out, but that description is still stuck in my head. I've worked really hard to improve who and how I am. But it still doesn't mean anything. I've slowed down a lot on my booze/pot intake, and my other friends are supportive, but don't understand.
I just feel really insecure and crappy lately. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I want to quit my job and find something better, but deep down I feel like I don't deserve "good", nevermind "better". The only good thing in my life was celebrating my two year anniversary with M on Saturday. He's the only source of unconditional support I have, and we've been incredibly happy lately.
Guard, be happy about being 50: successful, married, father to a happy daughter who loves you. You've got a lot goin' for ya.

Keep it up.