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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Woman seeking to suppress sexual urges
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lef14 posted:
Hello, I'm a 20 year old woman who's 24 year old boyfriend is no longer interested in her sexual. It's been this way for about a year now and there seems to be no hope that he will snap out of this phase. It kills me because I'm very much in love and still attracted to him. I know he loves me too and would never cheat. So I was hoping to find some way to either decrease or completely stop my sexual urges. This seems to be the only problem in our relationship and I'd like to get rid of it. Is there any thing I could take to help this problem??[br>
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Anon_125014 responded:
Sounds like you might have a shot at being life-long friends...but you should find a new boyfriend. Wanting to have sex/desiring intimacy with the one you love is not a problem; it's normal.
 
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fcl responded:
Has he always been like this? If not, can you tie the beginning to an event? Job loss, illness, bereavement, depression, increase in stress, etc? There may be an underlying cause that can be dealt with.

Trying to live without sex is only going to make you resentful of him. Can you imagine going through life like that? A sex drive is a precious thing and not something to be thrown away. Living without sex can severely sap your self esteem, you know.

Do you discuss this with him? If not, then you should. He has the right to know how unhappy you are about this. He may have suggestions to make.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
I would suggest just being friends like anon says. And find someone else that you can have a complete loving relationship with. You really don't want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship where there is no sex do you? At twenty? Just move on.
 
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lef14 replied to fcl's response:
Things were not always like this. We have been together nearly three years now and the problem didn't surface until almost a year ago. I have questioned him several times about why things have gotten to this condition and he gives me the same response each time. He says we have fought too much and had too many confrontations in our time together and that has gradually decreased his desire to be physical. The amount of time we spend together has not decreased, and we always manage to have a good time when we are together. But if I give any sign of wishing to engage in physical contact, even a kiss, he immediately shuts me down. He says he doesn't like the way things have gotten anymore than I do. But lately it's become even more bothersome to me. I wish I knew how to get him back.
 
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lef14 replied to Anon_125014's response:
We are very much so great friends. I believe we have a unique connection. I find it hard to make close friends, but I am not as close to anyone as I am to him. Not even with my family or friends. Thank you for the reassurance. I always feel as if I'm the one with the problem.
 
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lef14 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
I understand what you're saying. I used to contemplate moving on, but now, I really can't see myself with anyone else. I don't see myself becoming as close to anyone else, as I am with him. I'm always hoping that if I wait long enough, it'll just happen one day when we're together. But it's almost been a year.
 
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An_240941 replied to lef14's response:
You're too young to be talking like this. You have so much time to find "mister right". If he isn't interested in sleeping with you then your idea that he wouldn't cheat just might not be as accurate as you think, I'm sorry but it's a possibility. If you two fight so much that he isn't interested in you sexually then that's not a great relationship or friendship. It's not even a healthy friendship/relationship. There has to be a sexual connection to have a good relationship, & you're missing that. I would strongly suggest you consider moving on before he has you thinking your worthless or less then you are. If he has you thinking that his lack of sexual desire is your fault then he is already in your head. It takes 2 to fight & it's not all your fault & there is nothing wrong with you for desiring sex with someone you care for.
 
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Spankyrae replied to lef14's response:
I find it troubling that you are wanting to learn how to settle for no sex and intimacy, instead of resolving the real issues in your relationship. It would be one thing if his libido was uncontrollable, say to a physical reason. But what you are attempting to do is just a temporary "solution." It doesn't get to the heart of the problem and try to make it better.

If you want things to improve then you guys both have to work at it. And if he's not willing to, then that would my cue to exit. I suggest counseling... for you both and if not him, then you. Sex and intimacy are beautiful aspects of a healthy relationship, and you shouldn't have to miss out on that.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
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fcl replied to lef14's response:
Make an appointment for counselling for both of you ASAP. If it doesn't help you solve your differences it will at least help you decide where you're heading and to fix your priorities.

You should not be settling for a relationship like this. You should not be accepting that it be like this, asexual. He refuses all sexual contact? He won't work on this with you? Have you considered that you have outgrown each other (a very, very common thing at your age)? This isn't a problem - it's part of lifes' reality.

Look, you've been with him since you were in your mid-teens. You say you have trouble making friends. You can't see yourself with anyone but him (this is also a common excuse for hanging on to a relationship). Do you think you are simply clinging to him for fear of losing him? That is the way it looks from the outside - a fear of being alone again.

Youi've reached a point of stagnation in your relationship. Hanging around any longer in the vague hope that things will change is pointless. If they're going to change you have to make them change. Please make that appointment today.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
At some point in your relationship you will crave intimacy and sex with the person you love. It's completely natural. If you settle for the way things are now you are likely to have a lot of resentment in the future toward your boyfriend.

What if you guys decide to have children down the road? How would you make that happen?

More importantly, though--for him to withhold sex from you, if you all are married, what separates that marriage, what makes it unique, from just a close friendship? If you're not having an intimate relationship it's not really that different from living with your best friend.

I could not imagine living with my husband and denying him sex. As much as he loves me, and as much as I love him, he'd not put up with it. It's just a part of a loving marriage. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a "right" but I think it's pretty much expected that if you truly love someone you will desire an intimate relationship with that person.

Which brings me to another thought--and I really hate to suggest this--but my first thought was that he's probably getting it somewhere else. If you all have had a normal relationship and then all of a sudden he stops wanting to have sex with you, that is just baffling. I just can't imagine a 24 year old man being ok with never having sex.

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Ask a lot of hard questions. Find out what's going on with him, don't make assumptions that everything is OK, I know you say you love him and you're attracted to him but it doesn't sound like he reciprocates?? See if he's willing to go to counseling with you to find out what the problem is.

I do not think your solution here is to decrease or eliminate your sexual urges. You are 20 years old, with your entire life ahead of you. You might think you'll be ok with it for now, but eventually you just won't be.

((HUGS))
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I agree with all the other advice. Either go to counseling and if he isn't willing then its time to move on.

You are 20, you will find someone else. I have been in your shoes in the past. It wasn't fun. Eventually, he made me feel worthless and I wasn't good enough for anyone.
A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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Jabelcich responded:
I would also agree with what everbody esle is saying. In my opinion somthing else has to be going on with him, like getting attention or getting his desire from somewhere else. Unless he's some kind of machine that doesnt like sex. And I would know because I'm a 24 yr old guy. I've dated a lot and from my experience it sounds like he's either lost interest in you or just has something going on the side. And it's probably easier to just stay with you, instead of seeing you with somebody else. Also sounds like you might feel the same way. But either way unless you can fix this problem (which would mean his effort also) right away, you should move on
 
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GuardSquealer replied to lef14's response:
Well as a man that was his age at one point in my life, I can assure you that he isn't going a year without sex. Especially if he just says it is because of how your relationship has been. He is justifying in his mind that it isn't a problem getting sex from someone else since things have been bad in the past.

Just my opinion.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to GuardSquealer's response:
Ditto.


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