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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Help me with my sex life
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Jlynnl posted:
My husband and I have been married almost 13 yrs. We have a 5 and 3 yr old. I've been on Zoloft for about 2 yrs and been back on the pill for about 4 months. Our sex life has never been great, neither of us have ever been with anyone else.

Lately, I have had no desire for sex. It irritates me when he touches by breasts. I NEVER initiate sex. Over the years, he has pushed me away when I've tried, so I've just stopped. He's never been able to "last" more then a few minutes after intercourse begins, so I've only had a handful of orgasms. He usually cums within 3-5 thrusts.

He has expressed interest in different positions etc, but that makes him last less long. It's to the point that its not fun for me, its not fun for him. He likes to tell me that I'm boring and don't want to try anything new, but its just too much work with no pay off.

To top it off, my nipples are crazy sensitive. I don't even like them being touched. He, of course, is a "boob man".

He also has no sense boundaries. The last thing I want is my 5 yr old asking me "why daddy is touching mommies boobies". I don't know what to do anymore. There are so many issues we need to discuss. The couple times I've tried bringing them up, he gets upset and stops talking to me.

Advice please!!!!!!
Reply
 
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Anon_125014 responded:
3-5 thrusts on average, even less in a different position; in over a decade of marriage you've only had a handful of orgasms...and he has the nerve to say you're boring? He flat out sucks in the sack (and not in the good way).

Sex isn't supposed to be solely about the one minute wonder getting his rocks off--it's supposed to be enjoyable for you as well. That means FOREPLAY. Lots of it. Kissing, caressing, cuddling, manual stimulation, oral sex, and since your nipples are sensitive, cupping/stroking your breasts, and kissing around the nipples. Plenty for a boob man to enjoy--he's just not bothering to make the effort.

Your husband unfortunately sounds like the most sexually selfish man I've ever heard of--not to mention ridiculously selfish and infantile in others areas as well. When you try to talk to him about your concerns he throws a tantrum then gives you the silent treatment? Seriously?

He's got an issue with premature ejaculation which can be addressed by numbing creams/gels (some condoms come pre-equipped with it), and masturbating before attempting penetrative sex (probably an hour before might be good)--then, he'll need to make an effort to hold off his own orgasm until after you've had yours (cycle back to foreplay). Also, some BC pills can negatively impact sex drive (so it might be worth checking with your doctor to see what other options/pill types you might have)...but I wouldn't want him near me either given what you've described.

However, none of that will make a bit of difference if your husband isn't willing to try to satisfy your needs instead of only thinking about his--and that holds true for inside AND outside the bedroom. I'd highly recommend couples therapy.

If he's not willing to talk with you about your relationship and the ways it can be addressed to make it stronger and better, then maybe introducing a neutral 3rd party mediator might help.
 
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Jlynnl replied to Anon_125014's response:
He does try. We do have foreplay. He is very embarrassed about ejaculating so quickly. To be fair, we have talked about it in the past, but he refuses to see a dr. He doesn't want to think that he has the problem.

Thank you for the advice. I might pick up some numbing cream or something, and I will talk to the dr.

Also I probably didn't handle the conversation very well, but I was upset.
 
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queston replied to Jlynnl's response:
Be aware that numbing cream will, unfortunately, work on you as well as on him. That's why the condoms with the numbing agent inside are a nifty invention.

Also, I assume you aware that SSRI anti-depressants like Zoloft can not only supress libido, but can also delay or prevent orgasm. (It's too bad it's you taking them and not him

Have you tried doubling up on his ejaculations? He could masturbate about an hour before, or you could make it part of your lovemaking: say, you bring him to climax with oral first, he then devotes his attention to you, until he is able to get another erection for intercourse. This is probably the most reliable way fro a man to last longer. you may need to experiment with the time interval between the first ejaculation and the second.
 
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Jlynnl replied to queston's response:
Doubling up has proved unsuccessful thus far. I'm seeing my dr about my anti depressants and bc next week. I'm going to try to talk to him about meeting me 1/2 way and seeing a dr also.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I was kind of having a melt down when I wrote the first entry
 
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fcl responded:
Here are a few helpful hints to try to avoid premature ejaculation:
  • Masturbating before having sex.

  • Stopping every time he feels he's getting close and change positions.

  • Learning to breathe deeply through his nose might slow down his excitement and make him last longer.

  • Once he's inside you, using circular motions rather than simple thrusting ones so that he'll get more of an overall stimulation of his penis rather than just having the head stimulated.

  • Sometimes the choice of position can make a difference - men are less sensitive when the woman is on top. Try that.

  • Condoms can cut down on sensitivity too. Maybe if he wore one it might help?

  • Then there's the squeeze technique - www.partnertherapy.com/node/452

  • He could learn to do Kegels - boards.webmd.com/webx?THDX@@.59ab6139!thdchild=.59ab6139

  • When he feels he's getting close, press on his perineum.


There must be hundreds more of this kind of technique and they're all worth trying because you never know what will work for you. However, do remember that some take a lot of regular work (like Kegels and the squeeze technique) so you need to be pretty dedicated (it could be weeks before you see an improvement ...).

In any case, he needs to understand that this is a pretty common problem and that it isn't going to go away by itself.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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lbc9112 replied to Anon_125014's response:
applause anon_125014 for a truthful and educated response! i agree with couples counseling also!
 
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An_242149 responded:
First off don't let him know how he doesn't meet your needs. Not a good idea if you want to get back into sex. For those of you that may disagree with me how would you feel if someone told you that you sucked at having sex..... pretty sure you wouldn't want to do it. So here's a few things to try. 1- make it interesting, because like it or not who wants to do something that is boring? Watch porn together or give each other a massage. go to cosmopolitan.com and read some more ideas. 2- don't let your kids sleep in the same room with you. 3-ask someone to babysit while you and your husband enjoy a day free of children 4-try not to be irritated when he touches you, it's hard i know but really try not to let the irritation show. and the more you have sex, the longer he'll last
 
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Anon_1112 replied to Anon_125014's response:
Speaking from past experience- Zoloft will prevent orgasms ( yes even for women.). In addition to everything that has been said, which I totally agree with, I just felt I should toss that in. Much good luck to you both!
 
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queston replied to Jlynnl's response:
One other thought. I don;t think you said how old your husband is, but prostatitis is quite common among men in their 30s and especially 40s.

Premature ejaculation is not normally considered a symptom, but I have chronic prostatitis, and the very first symptom I notice when I'm having a flair-up is that I ejaculate more quickly.

The symptoms of prostatitis can pain in the prostate/genitals, feeling the urge to urinate frequently, sometimes difficulty establish a flow when you urinate, and painful ejaculation.

If your husband has any of these symptoms, he should see a Dr. right away. Prostatitis is stubborn to eradicate and can become chronic.


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