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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Hi guys
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alaska_mommy posted:
Hey y'all,
I know it's been awhile since you've seen me. I guess a lot has happened since I posted last.
November the fam and I moved from the east coast to the west coast to be near family.
In early December I found out I was pregnant. We were excited to be having a baby while living so close to my family.
Last week I miscarried. I ended up hemorrhaging really badly and had to go to ER for an emergency D&C because I was going into shock from blood loss. Then the same day they discharged me I went back to ER for chest pain and found out I had a pulmonary embolism (clot in the lung). So now I am on blood thinners for 6 months and can't try again for pregnancy until they're finished.
After the miscarriage they told me no sex for 6 weeks! Argh. Already I wish that wasn't the case, just to have some comfort with DH. But I suppose we will survive.
Feel like my life has been turned upside down. I think about the loss all the time whereas I feel like DH is pretty much over it and maybe thinks in the back of his head that I'm going overboard with wanting to get little mementos to remind me of the baby. I named the baby, I have a friend who is making a tiny wooden cradle for the baby that I will paint, I bought a teddy bear to remind me of the baby and I sleep with it at night, I bought some little baby booties and a set of newborn binkies. I might do a painting and also knit a tiny sweater. I also want to buy a necklace off a website that has a special section for infant loss/miscarriage jewelry. Just something to wear near my heart to remember him or her by. I don't know if it was a boy or girl, and I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye. I was hoping to miscarry naturally at home so I could see it but ended up having the D&C. It saved my life, but I still wish it could have been different.
Anyway I feel like I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I thought of you guys.
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BalconyBelle responded:
I'm so sorry.

I know that doesn't even begin to cover what you're going through right now, but even so...I'm so sorry for your loss. ((HUG)) I lost my baby through miscarriage, and like your DH, my DF seemed to bounce back much faster than I did. Personally, I feel that whatever helps you work through and deal with your grief is a good thing.

You have my sympathy for the delay in making love with your husband again, but please don't underestimate the benefits of cuddling. There were nights after my miscarriage where sometimes, the only way I could go to sleep was to spend the night wrapped in my fiance's arms. You can still be a source of great comfort to one another, even if sex is on hiatus.

I hope your health clears up, and that if/when you and your husband are ready to try again, the pregnancy goes smoothly. I really feel for you, and I hope you'll post anytime you'd like to talk. Like you...I didn't really have anyone in RL to confide in when I miscarried, and the sense of loss and isolation nearly did me in. I don't want that to happen to you. I'm here for you--to listen, to let you vent, give you cyber hugs--whatever it takes.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
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queston responded:
I'm so sorry for your loss, A.M.

I suspect this is always much more traumatic for the mother. A baby isn't really tangibly real to the man until s/he is born, I suppose. But of course it is for the mother.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
Hi, AM, it's been a while!

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby, I know you must be hurting terribly. I think as mommies we attach ourselves instantly emotionally to that life growing inside of us. With my own husband it didn't really sink in until he saw my belly growing and felt the baby moving. I really do believe that it's hard for daddy to feel as attached as we are without the physical proof, if that makes sense. I'm sorry you feel like he's moved on so quickly. Chances are he's hurt too but doesn't know how to deal with it.

I think the little mementos are a great reminder to have, it is something you can hang on to for comfort. The necklace really sounds like a great idea.

I'm so glad they caught the emoblism in time, that is scary!!


((((HUGS))))
 
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fcl responded:
I'm really sorry for your loss, alaska_mommy. It's a hard, hard thing to deal with.

You said that you think youir hubby "thinks" you're going overboard on baby things. Does that mean that you don't discuss it with him? Because if you don't, please do. It might be a comfort to both of you. There was a woman used to post on another board here who didn't understand her husband's distance after she had a miscarriage until, one evening, she found him looking over the U/S pictures and crying ... They had both been keeping their grief to themselves and never thought to share ...

Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster...

(((((HUGS)))))
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
So sorry for your loss, alaska_mommy. I cannot imagine the sorrow you're going through, but I'm glad you're able to post on here and I hope talking to us helps a lil bit. I give to you big cyber-hugs: *hugshugshugs*.

Much luv to you, my friend. <3
 
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mrslee97658 responded:
So sorry for your loss....I myself have had two of them and it hurts just the same. gentle ((((hugs))))
Me 28, DH 43, DS1 (11), DD (8), DS2 (5), DS 3 (4), DS 4 (2 months)
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to mrslee97658's response:
I also want to say sorry for your loss. I've had one miscarriage before my daughter.

I also don't think you are going overboard. I lost my baby in July and the following Christmas, I bought a tiny angel bell ornament for my tree. I hang it on the tree every Christmas.
A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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alaska_mommy replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Thanks, everyone.
BalconyBelle, I hear you about the cuddling, only problem is hubby works nights so we don't get a lot of time together in bed. At least, not while we're both awake.

I'm kind of frustrated we have to wait 6 months to try again, because I'd like to try sooner than that. But, it's probably best for my body anyway to wait.

FCL, I say I think because at first he was very supportive and basically told me that whatever I needed to do, I should do it (as far as grieving, buying the stuffed animal, etc) but when I mentioned naming the baby he said something about not overdoing it. Then he said he's pretty much over it.
At the same time, he's having trouble sleeping, is distant/withdrawn and spending a lot of time on the computer. He's acting pretty stressed out still. We talked last night and he said that he feels lonely and isolated, since his work is a solo type of job (truck driver). I think he is having trouble dealing with everything but isn't sure how to express it. I'm not sure if it's the baby loss or the scare of feeling like he could lose me a couple times. Anyway he's not really forthcoming with any of this so I sort of have to pry it out of him. At least I know he's not completely "over" it yet.
I'm having a hard time sharing anything with him anymore since he decided to not participate in naming the baby. Around the same time as that conversation, my sister told me I shouldn't read other womens' stories about it, that it would just make me sadder, and to not "wallow in grief". Wow thanks, less than a week afterward I should be already on the upswing? Right now reading other womens' stories helps because it gives me a sense of connectedness to others who have had the same thing happen.
Anyway so if you subtract out my husband and my sister, those are the people I tell the most to. But I've had some supportive girlfriends that have let me talk. I feel like most people are going to get tired of hearing about it though.
Thanks for listening!
 
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fcl replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Nobody can tell you how long it will take you to be able to deal with your loss, nor how to do it. You will get there when youi're ready. right now you're dealing with it as best youi can.

I notice you've fouind a board here that can help. You might want to check out www.cafemom.com too. They have a whole range of boards such as this one http://www.cafemom.com/group/473/ that might be able to help too.

Please be kind to yourself and take the time to heal.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to fcl's response:
Thanks FCL.
Hubby and I got to "reconnect" last night so that helped a lot, for both of us I think. Thanks for the links, I'll check it out.
 
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Spankyrae responded:
I'm sorry for your loss as well. I pray for whatever it is you & your husband need to get through this.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
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alaska_mommy replied to Spankyrae's response:
Thanks Spanky
 
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alaska_mommy responded:
I had my OB/GYN appointment today to followup to the miscarriage. Good news is, I'm cleared to have sex again! Yippee! The sort of not so good news is I'm going to have to have an IUD (Mirena). Not too thrilled with that as I thought I could just go on the pill again for the 6 months we have to wait to try again. But I guess with the pill it slightly increases your risk of blood clots, and since I have/had a blood clot already that's not acceptable. Since the Mirena delivers low-dose hormones directly to the uterus it won't affect me like a pill version would. So, next on the list is to go get that put in. Ugh not looking forward to it very much. But, I don't want to be getting pregnant right now as an unexpected pregnancy right now could put me at risk for more blood clots, or the pregnancy might end up another miscarriage since the blood thinners I'm on can be fatal to a fetus. Yay (ugh).
 
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BalconyBelle replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Congrats on receiving the go ahead from your doctor

I'm sorry you'll be being put on Mirena, but since it will only be for six months (?), hopefully it won't be too bad. I wish you and your husband the best!
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com


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