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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Age difference begining to be a problem :(
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Anon_179659 posted:
Okay so when I first my fiance I was 18 he was a about to be 17 everything was fine and dandy we always had a good time and all my friends would poke fun and call me a couger or a cradle robber, it never bothered either of us. Fast forward im now 21 and he is 20 the age still dosnt bother us but and this is a BIG but he cant stand when I go out. When I first turned 21 I was pregnant with are baby boy and after I had him all my girls were so excited for me to FINALLY experence being 21. Now im not going to lie I am starting to go out every saturday or everyother saturday. He hates me going out he is starting to call me and alcholic and say you just wanna go grind with guys and have them hit on you. First off im not an alcholic I dont really ever drink until now. Second I have givin him no reason for him to think I would ever cheat on him. I have been asked to dance many time I reject every one of them and I do NOT flirt with guys either. He is thinking these things because of his own selfish past he has cheated on me multiple times and now thinks im going to "get him back" as he says. Every night I go out its a fight before I go to the bar after the bar and the next morning. Most would say you should just not go out, I love going out its a chance to hang with my girls whom I only see on the saturday nights. Also I love to dance I have so much fun it helps me relax and cut loose. I just dont know how to make the fighting stop and have a good time. blahh only one more year I guess.
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BalconyBelle responded:
I wouldn't hold out hope that his behavior will change for the better when he hits 21 and is able to go out, too.

I'd say you're most likely in for more of the same. Insecure, jealous, and controlling behaviors don't disappear just because of a birthday.

He's cheated before (multiple times), and is now worried you'll do the same--even though you've assured him repeatedly that's not the case. It could be that his remarks have nothing to do with you. He's worried that if you go out, you'll cheat...because that's what HE would do in your shoes.

I don't believe you should just stay home. I think it's fine that you hang out with your friends once a week to have fun and go dancing--especially since you're NOT flirting or grinding with other guys. Cheating is wrong, but there's nothing wrong with not being joined at the hip to your partner. Having some time to yourself, or time to spend with your friends, is healthy---his behavior when you choose to do so is not. He's being deliberately nasty and hurtful.

On the other hand...when was the last time just the two of you had a night out? Not all clubs are 21 and over, you could find one where both of you could dance the night away, or do dinner and a movie--something, anything, to give you both some time alone to have a date and get a break from being new parents. If the only time you go out is with your friends, he may be feeling neglected. Babysitters can be a great way to give both of you some time to yourselves.
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
Is it possible that what he is really upset about is that you're cutting loose every weekend and he's getting left out? I'm just saying. I know you're young but every weekend when you have a baby at home..?

It seems a bit much to me. JMO. But if he's being left high and dry he's probably feeling like you don't want to spend time with him.

If it was a guy, I'd feel the same way. I'd say, dude what are you doing going out with the boys every Saturday night and leaving your wife and baby at home???
 
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naggingwife74 responded:
So if he went out every Saturday night and you had to stay home alone with your son, how would you feel?

I understand that it's fun to turn 21 and go out and enjoy that age but I think you have to remember that isn't the life you chose. You chose to have a baby and a fiance, a family. I do think you can have a family and still go out with friends but you can't say that you need to experience being 21, your 21 is different from a 21 year old without a family waiting for them at home.

Going out once a week with friends isn't a big deal either but why does it have to be every Saturday night at a club? Why can't you all meet for dinner during the week occasionally?

You can dance and cut loose with your fiance, just find a place where the two of you can do that together, you don't have to have alcohol to do that.

You also say you only have one more year; one more year for what? Until he turns 21 and then turns this around on you? My prediction for when he turns 21 is that he will expect you to stay home with your son so he can go do what you did when you turned 21.Do you think he will just forget about all the time he spent alone on Saturday nights and want you to go out with him? Just from the brief story you told here, I don't think he will.

I think you are trying to enjoy something that you should have enjoyed before having a baby and a fiance. I had my son at 18 so I do speak from experience. If my dbf wanted to leave me at home with the kids every Saturday night I wouldn't be too happy about it either.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
I also wanted to add..you're JUST one year older than him. I'm not sure how the age difference is getting in the way, except for the fact that like nagging pointed out, in a year he can do the same thing to you that you are doing to him now.

He cheated on you in the past? Well, you are still with him, so did you forgive him? Part of me feels like you're trying to pay him back for his mistakes. Do you forgive him or not? It can't be both ways.

When you commit yourself to a relationship and have a baby and a fiance, you sort of give up the right to do what "feels good" to you...you have to think beyond the little picture.

I married young, 18. I have now been married 15 years and have 4 children. If I'd gone out and partied and left my husband to fend for himself every single weekend, I'D be single.

Hey, we all like to have fun and do things for ourselves-but it's not just about "us" when we have created a family.

What do I suggest? How about going out once a month instead of every Saturday night? Or I also like the suggestion--if you want to go out dancing I'm sure there are places your fiance could go with you.

Do you two ever spend time together? Or is your down time always spent with the girls?
 
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3point14 responded:
The age problem is less of an issue than the underlying trust problems. Who's watching your baby when you're out partying? If it's him, it's understandable that he resents your going out, and the fact that you blame it on just your age shows that you're not really listening to his issue. He's telling you you are partying too much.

Your age is immaterial to this, because you chose to have a family at a young age. Your family has to be your priority. While it's nice that your "girls" want you out more, just because you aren't currently pregnant doesn't mean that your responsibilies go away.

If you're not even drinking when you go out, why not go somewhere where he'd be allowed to go out? If you're really just going out to spend time with friends, why not go out to dinner with your friends and family? Why not be more inclusive to your fianc?e? Why don't you want to spend time with him? Why not go out dancing with him? You can find 18 places and he just won't be allowed to drink. No big deal.

Maybe work out a schedule with him so you can both have time with friends. Maybe go out once a month with friends and once a month with him. Maybe start doing things as a family more...I don't mean to be harsh, but when you have a family it's not about goin out with your girls and dancin every Saturday. If you really intend to spend the rest of your life with this man, you have to communicate with him and work on building a strong relationship. I'm not saying that means you can't go out, but you have to get to a point where you're both comfortable with it.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
OP I really hope you are taking all this advice you are getting to heart.

I know you are young and you want to have fun but like 3point just said--you chose to have a family at a young age so you need to prioritize. You (presumably) choose to be engaged, so if you want your relationship to be successful you have to communicate and compromise instead of telling him how it's going to be and expecting him to accept it every time.

Stuff like that is hard to see when you're young--I'm sure we've all been there in some way or another.

Have you ever sat down and talked to him about this when he wasn't angry about you having gone out and coming home after drinking/getting drunk? The best time to discuss things in a rational manner is not in the heat of the battle but when things are calm.
 
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Anon_179659 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Im taking in this advice. I should have put that i dont leave my son with my fiance ever when I go out. My mom calls every weekend on saturdays to spend time with him and takes him over night her choice I dont even ask. I tell him to invite his guys over play video games go shoot pool whatever he wants to do. I go out because A. I love to dance and all week im stressed to the max and I just cut loose and do my thing and I feel great. B. the majority of my relationship my fiance didnt let me hang out with my friends he hated them now he is okay with them, and Iv been friends with these girl as early as 3rd grade so it makes me happy to be apart of there life again. My friends beg me to come out and i love to so I just do it. I cant bring my fiance out with me because I live in a small town with no 18 plus bar places so im out of luck there. I will admit that me n my man dont get to go do me and him things because we are always broke and even when I have money he dosnt really ever wanna do anything. The thing is its not like I never get to see him im ALWAYS with him except at work, he dosnt work so he is always home. If he dont wanna always be home i always tell him to go out hang with the guys he chooses to sit home and mope not my problem. As far the paying him back for his mistakes comment...really thats is crazy he broke my heart multiple times and I forgave him and thats that i dont think my going out is "paying him back" paying him back would be going out grinding on guys flirting and yes having sex and if I really wanted to get him back get myself pregnant by possibly another man..(he possibly got another girl prego when I was prego longest 9 months of my life) I am simply going out to have a good time with my girls. Its not my fault he has a guilty mind, I have never gave him a reason to think I would be spitful and treat him as he has treated me. I love this man dont get me wrong I just want him to understand im young and I wanna be young. Also I understand i choose to have a family young but I didnt die...im not 40...im 21 and if my son is with my mom why sit home and lay around I do that enough monday-friday
 
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ImMe26 replied to Anon_179659's response:
Your priorities are in the wrong place.

You are always broke but you go out and drink and party....hmmm k...

You are 21 not 40, but your also a new mother and a fiance of a man, who loves you and wants you to be with him more. If this man is going to be your husband one day, your going to have to compromise and have respect for one another. It doesnt sound like you respect him very much.

And the part about "getting preggo by another man " for payback, just really shows how immature you are. Thats just stupid im sorry.

You need to be alone or been in a relationship with your fiance.

Its okay to go out and cut loose, but every weekend?/ Come on. You are letting your mother ,be his weekend mother....soo not right, Go to the park, its free, go to a lake, beach...all free ....if you have gas to go party ,you have gas to spend time as a family.

If you really wanted to be with your fiance, youd make time for him more. Friends come and go, dont care what anyone says, bout it, but if you marry him, he is supposed to be your best friend and confidant(sp?)- You dont have that.

Be young, but be a mother/fiance also. THis family you guys created ,deserves priority over "drinking it up and dancing".....your really sacrificing your family for a bar....
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
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ImMe26 replied to ImMe26's response:
Also read my signature.

I have 3 kids, first one when I was 16yrs old, still finished school,be 16 and raised my kids. My mom helped tremedously, but I was there is my point.
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
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3point14 replied to Anon_179659's response:
So basically you want advice as to how to make your no-fun fiancee understand that it's necessary for you to go out and party with your friends? And that it's ok for you to go out because it's not just you not taking care of your kid, it's both of you doing it?

You're not 40, but you have made lifestyle decisions that put family first. You have a child. You want to marry someone who fathered another child when you were pregnant (maybe). You are too "broke" to do anything fun with your fiancee, but not too "broke" to go out dancing once a week. You are creating a life for you and for your CHILD and the way to go about that is not to ditch your fiancee when he's telling you he's upset about your going out.

If it helps, you don't sound like an alcoholic and I believe you when you say you aren't cheating. But not being a drunk and not sleeping around doesn't make you a good girlfriend, it makes you a basic human being. It doesn't justify you doing whatever you want just because you aren't doing "bad" things. The things you are doing are still hurting your fiancee. I'm not saying he hasn't done bad things in the past, but you have chosen to forgive him and see yourself marrying him. So you're going to have to actually forgive him at some point, not just hold it against him.

If you don't make your relationship a priority, it will fail. If you don't work on the trust issues that are obviously bothering both of you, your relationship will fail. If you sit at home and lay around during the week, your financial situation won't improve. If you put your friends over your relationship, it will fail. If you don't fix your communication, you both will have constant misunderstandings and not trust each other.

Consider couples therapy, and consider doing things with the family you've created. As nice as it is that you've known your girls since third grade, you're not marrying them, nor did you give birth to them. Making your family a priority doesn't make you old or boring, it makes you responsible.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to Anon_179659's response:
So to sum it up:

You are engaged to a guy who doesn't work, who doesn't like to go out and do things either with you or with his friends.

"Going out" with your fiance doesn't have to mean drinking/dancing/partying. You can find other things to do together, having no bars for under 21 is no excuse.

It doesn't sound like you really want things to change, though. And honestly, it doesn't seem like the two of you have much in common and you're always fighting. No good can come of that.

I have a hard time justifying me ever doing things that would make my husband upset to that extent. I know you're still your own person but sometimes even if we love someone we're just not compatible with them. I think we all have our standards and expectations of the people we love and choose to be in relationships with.

I think that you both need to learn about compromise. When my husband and I have the occasional night without our kids we are so excited to get to spend time alone together. We go out to eat, go shopping, yeah, it might sound boring to some people but I believe that time together as a couple is crucial, whether it's a night after the kids are asleep or a night out just having a nice meal together.

I get the whole "I don't like to sit at home all the time" thing. Do you really think, though, that people who are 40 are dried up and never have fun, and it's the same as being dead?? OMG. LOL....I bet a lot of 40 year olds could tell you different! I'm 34, and I didn't die when I had my family either. But I did grow up a lot, really fast, when I chose to get married and have kids.

You just have to consider this from his perspective just as much as you do from your perspective. I'm sure he sees it as "Hey, every chance we get all she wants to do is go get drunk and dance with her friends." Maybe he's not ok with that, if you love him you will try to find a middle that everybody is happy with. If not, well, I guess you keep doing what you're doing and he'll deal with it however he sees fit.
 
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missashley1010 replied to ImMe26's response:
Im broke so yes I party....it dosnt cost money to go downtown i dont buy drinks at the bar and I walk so there is my free fun! I do respect him very much but I dont think I should have to sit at home which i do EVERYDAY anyway with him isnt it healthy to get a break from one another....I cant help it he hates me going down town just because he is self concouis (sp). Also this behavior of mine has been what going on for 2 months...the park the beach its winter here with snow so kinda hard. Go out to eat sorry i dont like to spend my money on food I can cook at home. I dont spend any money on my partying nights the people I go with supply the drinks all I do is dance which is free!!!!! I am not sacrificing my family for partying im the person that holds my family together im a single income household and I do all the work at home cleaning cooking working is my life so going out once a week or everyother week dosnt scream bad parent bad girlfriend. To me I feel like I deserve it and my BF needs to get over the fact that i wont cheat on him thats are only problem!
 
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Anon_179659 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
We have alot in common we just cant go out together.....and he thinks im going to cheat on him that is the whole problem but I guess you guys are all too focused on me being 21 and going to the bar....so idk should have known not to ask for advice on the net..I just see you ladies giving such great advice but I guess its not that way in this case...I guess the right thing to do is just do whatever my BF like I have been doing for the past year. And p.s. I know there are other things to do rather than go to the bar I just started going what the heck do you think iv been doing the past 3 years in my relationship before i was able to go out.... thanks for all your advice even though I feel some of youa are being quite harsh i guess ill take it with a grain of salt and stop being my 21 year old self.
 
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queston replied to Anon_179659's response:
You've received some good advice here. It's too bad if you choose to ignore it.

What people are mostly focused on is you going out every weekend without him while he is home with the baby. That doesn't seem like a very good long-term strategy for both of you being happy.


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