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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Shes just boring or Im just a freak?
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An_243377 posted:

My sex life is almost dead and Im really into sex and had a crazy sex life. but im married now 5 yrs and my wife is unlike any female I ever had before sex wise. She not affectionate like my past woman I had and dont touch or grab me like my past GFs

Sometimes I feel she would rather shop and watch TV/Internet then to please me. She can spend hrs getting ready to go to work or out but when it comes to sex its a 5 min getting ready once a month sex, I get more oral/masterbation from her than sex How does a young female have a sex drive of a turtle? Im her 2nd person she ever been with, and she was never abused and has a great family and values.

But I love her and its created a monster in my mind of seeing her as a porn star and love to see her with other men/women. Its a fantasy I think of daily and she is in no way into it. I figured maybe a hotter guy will build her sex drive? I bought books and tried everything and she continues to stay the same. But I come up with so many ideas to spice things up and of course they are a lil taboo. An she just doesnt try. I figure if you dont enjoy sex with your husband than who do you enjoy it with? She wont even try anal.

Im willing and open to her kissing, touching, sextexting, oral pleasure with other men just no sex. I love her but this kills me that everything I want I get declined. An she never comes up with any ideas to spice sex up or to build up her sex drive. She loves when men stare at her and hit on her but thats it. I want to be with her forever but I know if sex stays this way its gonna go down hill.

An when she does give me oral its more sex talk to get me excited few licks very minor oral till I bust. But its always fake talk. I tell her tell me past sex stories or how she got hit on that day at work but its always a lie an not interested in teasing me or take sexy pics at work or flrt with men and get phone numbers.

Every girl I dated I can just touch and we would have sex at a drop of a hat. With her everytime I want it she makes me wait till its really late where she has a few minutes to do fantasy talk/oral and most times its so late at night she waits shes usally pissed and gives a little attiude, kills my sex drive.

So am I normal for wanting to watch my wife with other men? and what can I do to get her sex drive up an be more horny than a 60 yr lady.

Thank You
Joe

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fcl responded:
What does she say when you discuss this with her? Have you told her how you feel (this is not the kind of conversation to have in bed - do it calmly in a non-sexual context)? Has she always been like this? Do YOU make sex a big deal? I mean do you prepare for it? Prepare a setting? Romantic music? Food? Do you have any children? Do you have date nights?

You need to give us more information ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Confused471 replied to fcl's response:
When I discuss it she finds it gross, and thinks if she can share she rather do it single not married. I was very romantic in the beginning and I saw there was no affection back. She's always been kinda cold or has a wall up . I would write letters flowers kisses Im a hopeless romantic and she wont do it back.

But her love/sex drive slowed me down and got me in her mode/mood. No kids yet and we have weekly date nights. I do make sex a big deal because if I dont she wont even remember that I need sex.

I read if she masturbated daily it would build her sex drive, but nope she would do it once a month. Im use to girls that would jump on me or would blow me as soon as I walk in the door on there own, kiss me like crazy rub my neck or ear while diving (affectionate). I never seen a woman that's so not into sex or affection.
Im just confused and bored instead of coming with ideas an things to make me crazy sexually she rather just do her boring thing then at night and say you want to cum. Its usally really late and we have a few minutes and its weak oral. Same old thing like she does few times a week sex is about once a month.
I think thats why I'll let her try other guys to make her more sexual and opened up to having a great sex life. I know I have more experince had more partners an more everything but she rather take the wheel and crash this realtionship.
I wont cheat but it can happen just because of this boring sex life. Im used to girls that have more drive or intrest in sex. Im just tired of her slow mood.
 
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queston replied to Confused471's response:
A couple things...

1. I think you need to let go of the idea that this fantasy you have is ever going to be fulfilled.

2. Having done that, now maybe you can talk to her about realistic things, things that might be possible, that could improve your sex life. Ask her if *she* is happy and satisfied with your romantic&sex life. (And then really listen to her answers.)

3. I'm trying to get my head wrapped around why you married her to begin with, if the two of you are so sexually incompatible?

I feel for you: I know what his kind of frustration is like: I've been experiencing it since my wife hit her 40s, about 5 years ago.
 
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Confused471 replied to queston's response:
I agree, that's a fantasy wont happen, before I married her sex was fun but it was a long distance relationship. So when we did see each other it was fun and exciting. I always had many sex partners and any ideas or wants I never heard no from any female. My wife complains Im not the same romantic guy I used to be because she got me used to her boring drive and affection. So I cant grab her crotch without her blocking me, or waiting to a certain time at night to be naughty, an hearing not tonight.

Even when I was younger and married to my 1st wife she knew I loved having sex a lot I could just touch her and she would be ready, sex with wife # 1 was like 2 X a day and she would bring her girl friends so we can have 3 some's. But I got greedy and cheated on her so we got divorced.

I always say its got to be God doing this to me because all the hearts I broke and all the girls I had he gave me a great wife with no sex drive or fantasies. So in my mind I got to make this wife interesting and naughty. I want her to have pleasure I had my fun in the past now I want her to have hers. Instead of ask for another female for myself I rather her have a different cock and enjoy it, Im not jealous I love her and trust her. I just think she needs help with sex drive and affection
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
Personally, I do not think it is "nomal" for you to want to watch your wife with other men. That's JMHO. And it does NOT make her boring if she doesn't want to do that.

You should focus more on the sex life within your marriage (or lack thereof) rather than trying to push her to be with other men. Stop focusing on the fantasy and work on your reality. I think it's highly possible that she may feel sexually inadequate or awkward given the fact that instead of trying to get her to have sex with you, you try to get her to have sex with others.

That's not going to fix the problems that the two of you have together.
 
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Anon_123366 replied to Confused471's response:
Do you think that maybe she responds to you the way she does becuase of the way you view sex? and possible view other things? And quite possibly because of the way that you choose to talk about it? Personally, it sounds to me that you don't have much respect for women, and you seem a bit selfish. I agree with queston, have you asked her how she has felt about all of this? Does she have needs that you are maybe not fufilling?...maybe emotionally. I know that some women need to be emotionally connected with their SO in order to have a physical connection as well.

I think you need to take a step back and take into consideration your wife and stop thinking so much about yourself and what it is that you need. You said yourself that your wife told you that you are not the same romantic guy that you used to be, well, obviously she thinks there is a problem as well. Sit down and talk about things, in a respectful way, and see where that goes. I bet you learn a lot about each other, and what you both need to work on things. Or try a couples therapy session. Good luck to both of you!
 
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fcl replied to Anon_123366's response:
I very much agree.

Have you considered how disrespected she may feel. You said you're not allowed to "grab her crotch" any more. I have a high sex drive but I can assure you that if my partner tried to grab my crotch it would be the last time he tried it ...

Also, please stop dwelling on your past - this is the present and you need to adapt to that, not wallow in the "what used to be". Do you think that that kind of outlook would make your wife feel wanted and desired? You seem to be endlessly comparing her with those who went before too. Ummm ... do you tell her about the others? Do you think she picks up on your feeling that she is not good enough?

You said that she loves being stared at and hit on by other men. Most women do. It's a great ego boost. It makes us good to feel desired. Perhaps you're not making her feel that way. Perhaps she feels used ...

Do you ever discuss your sex life with her in a calm, non-accusatory manner? Do you ever take the time to talk things over and look for compromises?

Finally, wanting to see your wife with someone else is a very common fantasy. Most men realize that living it in reality would potentially kill their relationship. What they do is place a large mirror in a place that allows them to watch themselves having sex or, for those who want it a bit spicier, video record themselves... They keep their fantasy within their relationship. Having said that, what have you tried to fan the flame? You say you've tried everything - what does that entail? What have you suggested that she has refused to try? There may be room for compromise...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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naggingwife74 replied to fcl's response:
I agree with what everyone has told you but wanted to add:

If she says you're not romantic, you try to grab her crotch, you tell her you want her with other men, and you continually talk about women in your past, maybe you should stop trying to re-live your past and listen to what is going on.

My guess, you turn her off. My ex husband use to grab my chest constantly. He would also ask my to perform oral (he didn't say it like that of course) at least twice a day. After a while of dealing with his inability to be a mature, tactful man, I began to get disgusted by him. The thought of sex with him was a turn off.

If he had just listened to me, rubbed my back without trying to cop a feal, asked me if I needed anything when he would get up, layed in bed and talked to me for a few minutes without groping me, I would have been much more receptive to having sex.

What the women of your past thought of you or felt for you is irrelivant, if it mattered they would still be around. You should try to focus a little more on your marriage, your wife and your current role in why your sex life isn't where you want it to be.
 
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cdnicole responded:
dream all the time about my wife doing it with another man
 
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transferedhere replied to cdnicole's response:
So which is it? One other post you said you married a MALE crossdresser and now in this post you want your WIFE to be with another man. Having a hard time deciding who you want to pretend to be?
 
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Muse76 replied to Anon_123366's response:
I couldn't say it better. Totally disrespectful and offensive in the way he views sex and relationships with women. I would venture to say that had she been living in the same city as you while you were dating, she would've seen you for what you really are, and perhaps would've never married you in the first place.
 
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Zekke responded:
Seriously ... you told your wife that and you two are still married? She is obviously very forgiving and patient. You are disgusting!!! Yes, something is definitely, most definitely, wrong with you. I suggest you see a psychiatrist. Porn does not stupefy the average individual's emotions. Do you not understand the seriousness of vows - you are making a mockery marriage. I am writing not to make you feel bad but to let you know you need HELP and you need it NOW! All right-minded men look for partners who are virgins (unfortunately those rarely exist once over the age of 16) and the next best wish is a faithful wife. To think you are audacious enough to even say you could adulterate your wife - this is about the most asinine thing I have come across. You knew of her values and you accepted the package ... you must have selected that type of woman for a reason - remember? Most men would appreciate the security of a faithful woman. Do not trade your gem for a stone! Gratitude is the first step to happiness/satisfaction (what she is willing to try).

But I agree that is not enough sex to maintain a healthy relationship and she needs counselling or may be a little more romancing - as long as it is by you! By the way it was mere speculation when I said be grateful for a faithful wife ... maybe she is cheating and as they say "a conscience is as good as a thousand witnesses!" Do not ask her if she is sleeping with someone else the answer maybe a true "no" for the moment. Maybe she finds something about you grotesque -maybe those sex perspectives, have you gotten fat or smelly, did you shave since your wedding day? Did you cheat on her?
 
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Confused471 replied to Confused471's response:
An I ask her about her past sex experience and she slept with 1 man besides myself. I ask her has did anything kinky in her past and never did. She grew up in a small town 100,000 people. I grew up in NYC with a few million people, When we talk about our past she gets shocked, because the most a man did to her would kiss or grab her ass. Where I had fingered strangers in a night club,got oral,orgy's,4 sums,3 sums. different woman every night.

She is more used to men being shy to approach her growing up or was very respectful and conservative. Where I was a horn dog and did every hot girl I got my hands on. She wont try anything Anal is a no no. Its like Im with a nun, Im more into have fun you're married. Financially she gets whatever she wants drives her dream car, I dont know what to do for her to like sex more.

Forget about her and other men, Im worried about my sex life and Im bored. I have women that want me because of my Position an my money and I ignore them because I love my wife. But I never had a girl like her who has no imagination or wants to please her husband weekly.

Im afraid if she dont have a orgasm regularly she would look else where, But not my wife.... She loves shopping and fashion more than dick. So I know she wouldn't cheat and if she did Id be more shocked. I probably wouldn't get mad because one I cant picture wanting sex, second it would excite me her vagina is alive lol.

I met so many woman and she is one of a kind when it comes to sex, Its like God punished me for what I did to other woman and gave me her. And my wife is insanely hot and exotic. But its a shame no sex drive, Its like having a Lamborghini with no engine in it looks nice but dont drive lol..


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