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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Wearing something "sexy" for your spouse
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Anon_79663 posted:
Quick question to both men and women. Men how often would u like your DW or GF wear something sexy for u? Women. How often would u wear something sexy to bed for your DH or BF if they asked you too? I do understand that at times low self esteem could have something to do with not wanting to wear something sexy to bed or thinking that it will only be on for a while before it comes off and the fun begins. I think my wife is beautiful and sexy and she takes pride in and wants to look good at work and when we go out, but she doesn't do too much for me at home.

On a side note, how often should a married couple have sex. Just for S&G 2 kids one mate works FT while the other works PT and kids are in daycare FT and one mate travels about 3-4 nights a month
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queston responded:
I absolutely love it when my wife wears lingerie, but, alas, she almost never does anymore. She seems to be almost disgusted that I enjoy visual stimulation as part of lovemaking. It boggles my mind why someone would be angry that their spouse gets turned on by looking at them, though.

There's no right answer to your second question, of course. I personally would be happy with 3-5 times a week, but we actually have sex a lot less often than that.
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
My husband never asks me to wear lingerie and I think he's rather indifferent about it, but I wear it pretty often anyway and sometimes even just part of an "outfit" around the house and stuff. If he wanted me to wear something specific I would (I think it'd be fun).

And I'd like to have sex almost every night (unless there's something circumstantial) but that doesn't happen. But I'm pretty young and I don't have children so who knows, my feelings on that'll probably change later on. And maybe the lingerie thing will too but I doubt it.

Which one of you works FT and which one works PT?
 
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Anon_79663 replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Hubby works FT Wife works PT. i guess the bigger issue for me is that she makes sure she looks nice at work and when we go out, but in 9 yrs of marriage she has only worn lingerie 4 times and one of those was on our wedding night. I have also bought thongs and sexy things in the past but she never really wears those either (after she told me that if i got something she would wear it) We have only had sex maybe 4 times so far this year. I guess i want to know if i am asking too much for being too sensitive
 
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MissCaptainKirk replied to Anon_79663's response:
Gosh dude, not sure what to tell you. Is it possible she has body image issues? She may like to dress up but that's when she's out in public in full clothing. Maybe she's self conscious of her actual body. Like does she wear two-piece swimsuits in summer and stuff?

And maybe she doesn't wear the thongs or whatever bcuz they aren't comfortable for her. I wear em bcuz for me they're more comfortable and I like em, but all women are different. Maybe get sexy-looking underwear/items in styles that you like/think are sexy but also that may be more comfortable for her to wear. (Like hiphuggers with a lot of lace, or satin babydoll nightgowns or something. Start with stuff that isn't too racy so that she feels more ok with her body in it.)

Also, it's great that you think she's beautiful. Do you tell her she's beautiful and you like her body? Sometimes just hearing it can boost a lot of confidence.

Don't know how many times a year married couples with children have sex so someone with experience will have to help you on that one. But you have pretty young kids and she works, I'm sure she's often tired and maybe just not "feelin it".

No clue if any of this helps and I could be wrong, but hopefully it helps!
 
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
If DH wanted me to wear something, I would. I do have some outfits and occasionally will surprise him and wear one but it never stays on long.

As for your side note, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. For some couples, five time a week is normal and for others, once or twice a week is normal. Heck, for some couples once or twice a MONTH is normal. As long as both parties are happy with the frequency, that's what matters.
 
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fcl responded:
I wonder if your reaction when she does wear sexy clothes to bed might be responsible for her not wearing them very often. Do you make a REALLY big deal of it? Do you go out of your way to tell her (don't imply things, SAY 'EM OUT LOUD! lol) to tell her how amazing she looks like that? Do you take hours and hours and hours to take them off? My questions stem from something simple - some women feel just plain ridiculous dressed like that and it will take a LOT of work to help them see that they're not, that when dressed like that they are goddesses!

Just a thought off the top of my barely awake head ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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fcl replied to fcl's response:
As for your second question - remove the "should" from your phrase. "Should" implies obligation and suggests that you are trying to force your wife into having more sex by showing her what others have said. The right frequency for sex is what suits both partners. Nobody else has a say in it.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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MissCaptainKirk replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
Hey I just realized maybe I sounded like I was bragging just because I like to wear lingerie. My friend gives me lots of coupons and my other friends give me gift cards so I save em all up and get it all for free most of the time and I like how it makes me feel and celebrates me being a woman and stuff.

But other women like to celebrate their womanhood in other ways. Maybe your wife needs to be made to feel sexy in other ways before she'll be comfortable in lingerie.

And I'd like to agree strongly with FCL that when she does wear lingerie, it'd help to make a big deal out of it. It's a little nerve-wracking sometimes to be dressed up in that getup and if you don't make a big deal about how great she looks in it and take some time to take it off, it's really really depressing.

In short, there's a heck of a lot of emotions/feelings that can go into a woman putting on lingerie for you. For most women it's not just like putting on nice clothes (you mentioned how she likes to look nice when you go out, but not in the bedroom). When she's wearing that stuff, she's putting it all out there. So just keep what FCL said in mind.


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