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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
First Post, Looking For Input...
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kirbydelsol posted:
Hi, I'm a 21 year old guy. This is my first post, I signed up today so that I could ask for some advice on my situation. I apologize before hand if my story is kind of scatter-brained.

So to start off, my fiance and I have been together for over 1 year now, we've lived together with our 2 cats and 1 dog for over 7 months. Everything is amazing, except for one aspect of the relationship. The sex. Before 5 months ago, we were having sex 5 times a week, sometimes 2 times a day. I was SO good with that. But then the frequency in which we have sex changed drastically. What is important to note, is that before my fiance, sex was just a task and I never was really into it at all with other women. It didn't really mean anything to me. Now, with her, I can't get enough of her. It's so much more important to me now. Sex has never been that important to her, but with me, it became more important to her as well. Just not to the same degree as me.

One contributing factor to the decrease in sex, is the fact that something is physically wrong with her vagina. She has been to her gynecologist a few times now, and the doctor has yet to determine what the problem is. It makes sex uncomfortable for her and sometimes painful. I'd say 7 times out of 10 is uncomfortable for her.
And that is off and on, sometimes she'll be fine, others she'll be very uncomfortable.

So knowing this, I don't initiate anything anymore. I like to start things with her, get her all riled up. I miss doing that. And then if she starts anything, in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Is it worth it? Will she be ok? Does she even really want to or is she just trying to make me feel better?"

She knows that it bothers me so much that we're not having sex as much, it's about 1 time every 8 to 10 days. It's still amazing when it happens, but now it is so few and far in between that I get frustrated after about 4 or 5 days and my whole mood just drops.

I know she still wants me, but it feels as if she does not. And that feeling alone is enough to drive me crazy. I don't know what my question is within all of this. But I know I want to make this better, but I don't know how.
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Anon_123366 responded:
Have you talked to her about the way you feel about all of this? In most cases, when couples first get together, the frequency of being intimate is more often, and tends to die down a bit as the relationship progresses, and it could be for a number of different reasons. In this case, I would say it is because she has these "issues". I personally have "vaginal issues" and have undergone reconstructive surgery because of it, that makes being intimate very uncomfortable at times, and to tell you the truth, the last thing on my mind is being intimate, being in more pain or creating more issues and haveing to deal with the aftermath.

Not saying this to be rude, or incinuating that you are not supportive, but I really think that you should be more understanding about what is going on with her body, and try and be more supportive to her instead of being concerned about your sexual needs, and how many times you are intimate with each other. I am sure that it is just as frustrating for her as it is for you, and when you can bring yourself to understand where she is at with things, I am sure it will bring the two of you closer together, and also have a better understanding. On a side note, having been in her shoes, try and use a lot of lubrication, both before and during intercourse and see of that helps, because if her issue is anything like mine, I can understand what kind of pain and discomfort she is in, and believe me, I am sure she would give anything to not have to go through this.

Hope this helps! Good luck!
 
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queston responded:
Do her physical issues make also make it uncomfortable for her to receive oral, or manual stimulation of her clitoris? If not, then maybe what they two of you need is to expand your lovemaking repertoire a little bit, rather than focus exclusively on vaginal intercourse.

I would think that a lovemaking session which consisted of plenty of build-up, kissing, touching, etc., and then concluded with bringing each other to climax orally, would be just as satisfying as one that ends with vaginal intercourse.
 
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kirbydelsol replied to queston's response:
It isn't just if we have sex, sometimes she'll be uncomfortable/itchy/irritated throughout the day.

And I don't start anything, because I don't know how she is feeling. I feel like I've lost my touch, because I never start sex of any kind anymore.

Just last night, which is why I joined this site to ask these questions, I got into bed to go to sleep, then about 15 minutes later she comes into the bedroom and gets on top of me. She starts kissing me, and I pretty much said no. I don't really know why. I have never in my life said no to her before, but last night I was upset for some reason when she came to me.

It has been 9 days as of today since we had sex. I started to get grumpy and moody on saturday the 18th. Then yesterday throughout the day I just kind of accepted the fact that I wasn't going to have sex that night, then out of no where she wants me.

For some reason, it made me mad.
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to kirbydelsol's response:
I agree with queston, have you just tried having oral and manual stimulation.

I had issues before where I wasn't getting wet enough and it it felt like I was ripping. We a different position. The butterfly worked well because while we were having sex he was also rubbing my clit making me wetter. Have you tried other positions?
A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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kirbydelsol replied to butterfly19790424's response:
We've tried a few different positions. But even then it's not a problem of how wet she is, that's definitely fine.
 
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fcl replied to kirbydelsol's response:
Firstly, she needs to see a different doc. Either hers is not taking he problem seriously or is not sufficiently experienced to help.

What kind of pain is this causing her? Check out the following and see if anything sounds familiar:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vulvodynia/DS00159/DSECTION=symptoms

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vaginitis/DS00255/DSECTION=symptoms

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lichen-sclerosus/DS00725/DSECTION=symptoms


You might also want to post on the gynocology board with a question for Nurse Jane. It would be most helpful in that case to include details of your gf's symptoms.

Goood luck!
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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queston replied to kirbydelsol's response:
You should talk to her about what happened the other night when you said no to her advances. Explain to her that you are incredibly attracted to her, that you love having sex with you, but that the idea that sex might be hurting you has you kindof weirded out and experiencing mixed emotions.
 
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queston replied to queston's response:
er, that should be "that you love having sex with HER..."

(I'm assuming you probably love having sex with you, too, but that's a different discussion).
 
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mrslee97658 replied to kirbydelsol's response:
It seems to me like she might have vaginitis or some other kind of infection going on. Did this just start happening with her recently? I agree with FCL that she needs to see a different doctor and get to the root of the problem. Do you use condoms? If so that could also be the problem as she could have a sensitivity to latex. I would focus on finding out what exactly the problem with her is before worrying about the lack of sex. Like everyone else has said I bet its her female issues she has right now that are preventing her from wanting to have sex as frequently. GL!
Me 28, DH 43, DS1 (11), DD (8), DS2 (5), DS 3 (4), DS 4 (2 months)
 
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kirbydelsol replied to fcl's response:
Looking at all 3 of those afflictions, they all sound like what she could have. From what she has told me, here are her symptoms. (by the way, she is getting in touch with her doctor today again to hopefully find out anything new or useful.) Itchy, irritated, it's off and on, it can get worse after sex, and the one symptom that she has told me that stands out the most is this: "little cuts inside her vagina".

And to answer @Queston I've told her that I love her so much, and that I love to have sex with her, she knows that. It just bothers her that I get so upset that we're not having sex as much. I haven't told her in those words that I'm weirded out and mix emotions, but that is true. I guess I haven't had the right words to express that.
 
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kirbydelsol replied to mrslee97658's response:
We used to not use condoms at all, now we're back to using them which she says has helped. I honestly can't pin point why sex is so crucial to me now, I wish it wasn't because I'm tired of losing sleep and arguing over this.
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to kirbydelsol's response:
She might have vaginitis. Sounds like what I had a few years back.

Good luck and I hope after she contacts her doctor again this gets resolved soon!
A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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kirbydelsol replied to butterfly19790424's response:
Thanks,
her doctor prescribed her a cream to use. But it's the exact same thing she had been using before, except the one she has already been using is an ointment. She is going to call today to see if it is any different than the cream she just got. We still don't know what the problem is though, to be honest that's what is bothering me the most now. So I just have to wait.
 
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fcl replied to kirbydelsol's response:
Please get her to seek a second opinion/see a digfferent doc. There's no point going back to the same doc time after time if it's the same treatment she's getting and if nothing is getting any better.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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