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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Scheduling sex
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Anon_79663 posted:
My wife and I have fallen into a little rut for most of our marriage regarding our sex life. Sometime we went wks without sex b/c she was tired. After telling her that I couldn't continue to live like this we got a calendar and mapped out a "sex" schedule for the next month. My concern is that if im feeling a little frisky one night but its not on the "book" that she may say something to that effect or say it will replace another session. We haven't talked about it yet, I'm just thinking out loud. Has anyone elsengot a calendar to schedule sex? How has it affected your sex life in a positive or negative way?

Thx
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BalconyBelle responded:
I've heard of husband and wives with kids who wound up scheduling sex--simply to make sure the role of mommy and daddy didn't completely takeover their more intimate connection. It did help a bit in making sure that sex remained a priority, instead of being forgotten in the midst of the daily grind.

One thing you might consider before jumping into more sex, or asking your wife for more sex, is pick an additional day(s) in which to do something nice for your wife. Fix dinner, give her a massage, perhaps present her with flower(s) and some cuddling--Do something unexpected and romantic, something that makes her feel special and cared for.

Falling into a rut is dangerous for any couple---the good news is yours might be fairly easy to fix. You'd like more spontaneity and intimacy in your marriage? Take the initiative, and increase your odds of having her be receptive to the idea by showing her how much you care and appreciate her. Give her romance, and chances are intimacy will follow. Having your guy demonstrate that he appreciates you and cherishes you can be an amazing turn on--and the side effect is she may be more affectionate in return.

Ultimately, what I'd like to have happen for you is for sex in your marriage to be viewed as exciting, not a chore or obligation. Schedules may help keep it on the radar, but romance can help add in some spontaneity as well.
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rhondamay responded:
During nearly 35 years of marriage we have experienced dry spells where sex is not near as frequent as either of us want. These dry spells came about by various stressful situations and my husband having to leave our area to find work. A few years back we started scheduling date nights every four days.

We always plan something special to keep it romantic. Eating out, a movie, watching a video at home by the fire place, an evening walk by the river or a stroll down to our favorite Italian bistro for a cannoli.

The romance has not left and in fact has increased.

We still have occasional spontaneous sex as a bonus.

I like the schedule because I can plan ahead and be prepared. I always hated when the romantic moments used to catch me with my hair unwashed and my body all sweaty from working in the garden.


 
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Anon_79663 replied to BalconyBelle's response:
That is a great point. What if I as her husband is already doing stuff like that. I help out around the house cook, clean help with getting kids to bed. I even leave little sticky notes around the house telling her I live her and miss her. I usually do that when I travel for work and try to put them in places were it will take a few days of going through her daily routine to find them. I also leave little notes for my kids too at a level where they can find them on their own. One is about to turn 4 and the other just turned1. Zig zigglar said u can have anything u want as long as u help others get what they want. I try to giveas much a I can but still end up getting shorted in the end
 
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Anon_79663 replied to rhondamay's response:
I can understand after 35 yrs of marriage (congratulations BTW). We have only been married 9 yrs and this has been an on going issue. Isn't it a little early for this to be happening to us?
 
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Anon_79663 responded:
I also noticed that when it came time to buy the calendar she kept asking me if I bought it yet as I travel sometimes it wasn't easy for me to remember when it came time to schedule it was every 4 days ad she jokingly asked if the day after was a "recovery" and counted as a day between the 4 days. It just makes me a little un easy as we ave only been married 9 yrs but this has been an ongoing issue
 
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An_240941 responded:
My husband and I have a 1yr old and a 3yr old and my husband drives truck over the road and is only home on the weekends. Talk about hard to find time. There is no way I would have a "sex schedule" or map it out on a calendar. We screw like jack rabbits every chance we find and we always find the time and a way to make it happen. No excuses, no I'm tired, my head hurts,the kids are awake, the kids are asleep, I need a shower, I need to brush my teeth, or whatever else people come up with. At the end of the day if you both really want to make it happen then you will find a way. I'd say we screw at least 5 times a week even though hubby is only home 2 days. Sometimes it's a quicky and sometimes it's way more than that, but the point is find the moments everyday, get creative, get kinky, make it fun and exciting, try new things, don't let it get boring, always have it out of love, and don't make excuses. Having a healthy and spontaneous sex life is an important part of a successful marriage in my opinion....honestly if my husband and I tried to "schedule" it out I think I would start to dread the act itself. It just seems like it would take some of the fun out of it, and it's suppose to be fun and enjoyable and something you want.

Anyway, I wish the best for you and hope you find a way to work it out.I really think you guys need to have a talk though and maybe some couples therapy or sex therapy or something because I don't see this new plan working out to well....what happens if something happens on the scheduled day and time?....does it get pushed back or just get canceled?...what if she is too tired or has a headache that day?...do you get "reimbursed"?...does it come with "interest" if it gets delayed...like another day added? Sounds way too complicated and seems to almost defeat the purpose of what sex is suppose to be about. It makes it sound like work rather than an enjoyable act desired by both parties out of love and passion and romance.....yeah I'm gonna stick with I wouldn't like that at all. Just an outside female perspective. Anyway I wish you luck....I think you may need it and I mean that with all the best intentions and respect.
 
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Anon_79663 replied to An_240941's response:
Wow 5 times a wk and home only on the wkend. I think we have had sex 5-6 times so far this yr and 2 of those were scheduled. I travel 2-3days a month. We did go to a counselor and they told us one of the things I can do is gonto bed earlier and afterwards if I still need to go worknin my office I could. That worked for a while but then I noticed I was coining to bed earlier and we still weren't having sex as much as I would like. Last time we got in a fit b/c I told her. Was going back upnto my office to work and she asked if I could just lay with her. I brought up what the counselor said and told her that maybe it's easy for her to let 1 day turn into 2 then a wk then her cycle starts then I travel for work dor 2 days then I get back and she is tired from taking care of the kids by herself (kids are in daycare full-time and my wife works 20-28 hrs a wk). So throughout the whole month we maybe have sex once or twice. I told her that maybe u feel thatnu HAVE to be with me than WANT to be with me it's easy to let those days turn into wks and months. She said that wasn't the case and things just happen or don't in our case that is when we sat down to map our 4 day adventures out everything that I'm hearing and close people that I have talked too tell me this isn't good and it won't end well. They also said that maybe she just really dent want to be with me. I feel that she does but it more b/c she is doing her "wifely" duties rather than wanting to rock my world
 
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fcl replied to Anon_79663's response:
Just one comment - you want her to rock your world and yet you won't do what she's asking of you ... lie and cuddle. Perhaps if you give a little then she might too ... She's not going to be up for hot, heavy sex if you're going to get up and go to work in your office straight afterwards. Let her enjoy the afterglow, hold her till she falls asleep and THEN go to work if you must.

Also, who are these people that you are telling about your scheduled sex? This is none of their business. Do you want this to end badly or would you like it to work? Then stop listening to naysayers and stop sharing the details of your sex life with them. Talk to your wife, not to outsiders.

How many counselling sessions did you go to? I ask because you seem to have a lot of unresolved issues and one or two sessions are unliekely to fix that.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Anon_79663 replied to fcl's response:
Well I want her to rock my world b/c I'm her husband as inwould try to do the same for her b/c she is my wife. In a previous post I mentioned that in coming to bed early as the councler suggested I did cuddle and lie with her in the previous nights. I also do give more than a little as I have done everything that my wife told the councler how she needed and received love yet I wasn't getting what I told the councler that I needed and how in viewed love. There were times that I did not jump out of bed afterwards to run up to my office to work but at times I have too. This is what my wife agreed upon during our session. With that being said we have only gone to ne session. I do agree that there are some unresolved issues and iave suggested that we go see a councler again after she mentioned she felt us growing apart but she said no b/c she felt it was the stress I had a work tha had us drifting apart. It took almost 9 yrs for us to gonto our first session after numerous times of me asking. As far as these people I'm talking to I have called a couple of talk shows to seek advice and listed to the host of the show along with other callers after me that had similar situation. I have also post on here a few times as well with different topics. I did speak to a releative as well. I seek all of these outlets b/c I don't know what else to do. I often ask myself if I am asking too much or expecting too much. I ask my wife if I am and she says no and she says she doesn't know what's wrong on why she can't give me what I need. I feel that should be WON'T and not CAN'T. I leave notes for her around the house for her telling how much I love her and miss her when I travel. I try to make it so if I'm gone 3 days, it will take her 3 days to find all of the notes. I also leave them for my kids as well. I truly feel like I'm doing my part yet I still feel unappreciated. I have told her this and she says I'm right and tries to change but only ends up change for a while. So if she only changes for a while she really hasn't changed. I don't want this to end badly and she would probably get upset if she knew I was posting on here or talking to anyone about it, but what do u do when u have talked ton your wife more every 3-6 mos about my needs while hers are still getting met. Her latest solution was the calandar. When the husband suggest seeking help usuallynthere isna big problem.
 
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An_240941 replied to Anon_79663's response:
My husband & I have 2 kids about the same age as yours. I don't work, but I go to school full time online & my kids don't go to preschool/daycare at all. So, I'm a 24/7 stay at home mom and student & I have to maintain the house and do all the cooking & everything by myself (my husband helps on the weekends when he is home though). I live a busy life, my daughters have story time at the library every week and my oldest takes ballet on Saturdays. If anyone knows about stress & being busy & tired it's me. I'm sorry but saying "I'm too tired to have sex" is an excuse. If you really want to be intimate with your partner & you truly love them then you will always find a way & always find the time. As I have told you my life is busy, I do almost everything on my own, and my husband is only home 2 days a wk & we still have sex about 5 times a week. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. It should be fun & exciting & something you look forward to. Scheduling it out just makes it seem like work & turns it into somethings undesirable & even something you dread & start to not even want. If this is what your sex life turns into eventually you aren't even going to want it from her because you will feel like she doesn't want it from you (which it doesn't seem like she does anyway). This could ultimately ruin or end your marriage. I only see this going bad for you. I personally think there is some other underlying issue going on with her & until you figure out what it is & unless she wants to fix it too things aren't going to change or get any better. No marriage should be like that no matter how old you are or how long you have been together or how many kids you have or how busy you are or tired or whatever else. I hope you guys can work this out & I wish you the best. I really feel bad for you honestly....& again I mean this out of respect and concern.
 
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An_240941 replied to Anon_79663's response:
Ok, I know I just posted, but now after reading this post I have a bit more to add. I agree with your statement that she should be saying wont and not can't. I'm sure she says it that way though to relieve some of her own guilt & to avoid hurting your feelings even more deeply than she already is. It seems to me like she is asking for too much, not you. My husband drive truck for a living. This is a career that can easily destroy a relationship. I don't know what you do for a living, but your home almost every night...so I don't see how your job could be driving you apart even if it is a demanding job. My husbands job has only made our marriage stronger. Things are what you make of them, life is what you make of it. If she wants the job to be the excuse than that's what she will make of it but if she wanted it to be the reason to make your relationship stronger than she could make it that instead. She seems ungrateful for what you do for her & the fact that you supply her with a life where she only has to work part time & has a husband that is supportive & helpful & kind & loving & romantic & a good father & everything else that you mention. So what you don't cuddle after sex every time! You have an obligation to your family to maintain your work status to continue to provide them with their accustomed lifestyle. My husband & I rarely cuddle after sex (we cuddle through the day like when we watch t.v with the kids though). She sounds way to demanding & high maintenance in my opinion. Tell her to get her panties out of a bunch & start looking around at what she has & be more appreciative of the fact the she has more than a lot of other people out there & be happy she has what she has.
 
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darlyn05 replied to Anon_79663's response:
From what I've read I'll comment that this is not about 'just' you. Because there is another 'Person' involved in the equation. And from what you've written it sounds that you have been 'guilting' your wife into thinking that it's all her doing/fault and that she should be at your beckon call with what ever you wish for. The only thing you've written about is sex. If that's why you got married it's not going to work for the long term. You're not even using information from a credible Professional, for if you were, the professional would not be advising you to manipulate your wife with some form of guilt tactic for her think and say 'I'm sorry, I know it's all on me and I should do better and more'. This discussion sounds too closely similiar to another one btw.

Please forgive me if I am wrong and if I am what else can you tell us about your marriage or your wife?
 
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darlyn05 replied to darlyn05's response:
Maybe try this link:

http://exchanges.webmd.com/sex-and-relationships-exchange

Good Luck!
 
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Anon_79663 replied to An_240941's response:
let me say my wife hasnt said "no" in a long time, but she never iniates it and i really dont feel like she wants to be there. one night about a month ago she told me that we couldnt be together b/c her knee was hurting from the weather or rain or somthing that was coming in. im sure if i would have pressed it, she would have but that is not the releationship that i want. she is usually on her back anyway but i want her to "rock my world" every once in a while. although i may sound like a pig, i am a guy and not a light switch so I need a little loving too to rev up the engine sometimes. there are times that she really doesnt touch me down there until it is time to stick it in. I have told her all of my concerns a number of times and things get better but they go back to the way they were. I too think there are underlying issues. After counceling, she was suppose to go get some bloodwork done to see why she was so tired and that still hasent happned. I have brought it up to her a number of times through text and conversastion but she never response. One day after going back and forth with text messages and i had to clam her down about somthing small (small to me at least) she responded a few mins later saything that sometimes she thinks she is bipolar. i respned that i never thought she was bipoloar but have thought she was depressed, either way we need to get it checked out. in a following text or in the same i dont remember i said that she was suppose to get bloodwork done to find out why she was so tired, maybe we can knock them out both at once. she never said anything back. she hurt her knee the other day and within days she was asking me about ins so she could find a specalist and a few wks later she had something wrong with her arm. both times she saw someone within a wk. to me, as her husband it makes me wonder how committed she is to our marriage that she is quick to jump on her knee and arm but not her mind and heart.


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