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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
How to deal?
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An_243833 posted:
don't know where to start really. I thought it wise to at least turn here and get my thoughts out, vented. Guess I could start with I had a pretty bad evening last night. My bf of 5yrs was working from home as he does from time to time, he was on his skype which his whole company communicates that way..I had just happen to walk into the the home office room & glimsed over towards his PC & notice this strange little smiley icon & the word "deeper" on one of his skype threads. Em. I took a closer look and it was a skype conversation where he was going back & forth with a coworker of his and the thread indeed had some detail to sexual reference. I asked, what the heck is that all about? He first tried to hurry some answer that made no sense & he quickly closed the skype thread. He said, I'll tell you later it was just some joke. His co worker which he has gotten phone calls from & texts as well(he of course always says it's all work related) she is young, very attractive and I have seen her several times and she has given me a look that just doesn't feel right. If you know what I mean. Well, the skype went something like this, he finally showed me. This girl skyped, Send me your work status, in detail(with a smiley face) by that sentence. He replied with, OK, and actually wrote this Dear Diary entry to her, saying I woke up this morning, with a headache..contiplating life, is this how I want to live my life..He went on an on! I believe she wrote back something like, that is deep. Cause (where I had first seen the skype) he replied with, I can go deeper. Next few threads were him telling/asking her was his comment inappropriate. And also including him saying that usually his filter is thicker!? What the heck, I just didn't see any of this conversation right. Am I wrong getting upset over this? He tried to tell me how it was all a joke. Joke? This is a straight sexual reference. This is were I lost control & did something I never I do, I turned and hit the lamp on his desk and broke it. Let me add, this is an issue that has been red hot for most of our relationship. Him & his work. His work is very different. Its corporate but seriously, its seems like a night club, meat market there. I've always wondered how close my bf has gotten with these coworkers of his. He always has those "board meettings," lunches etc. The whole thing has always seemed off to me. But he has always argued me that nothing is happening & it's all work.
Well last night I just felt done. I felt like I hit a brick wall w/everything. In all aspects of my life everything is failing & I am feeling that "don't know what to think, waht to do" feeling! My bf and I have been doing bad & we stick it out. He has gotten worst, shuts down & seems unhappy. If I ask him he swears he's ok. I feel that with everything else in my life going on, I have work issues at my job that I've been at for 6yrs. I got sick past summer where they found a bone tumor in my hip & my uterus might be in pretty bad shape too. All this out of the blue. He always wanted kids & well I might be able to hold a baby. Now he says if we even tried for one, the question is would I be alive in the next few years. Haven't concluded if my bone tumor is benign. Doctors have fail in that area. That's a whole other story. But I have seen over 15 doctors in 10mnths. MB Anderson might be my only chance but money and losing my job and now more serious relationship issues are all against me. If you're wondering my age, I'm 37. My stress is high I take a deep breath & it hurts.

So this is all on my mind and heart today. Just feel done! Sad truth too is I have no family near by, the little fam I do have is far away. I've been much of a loner(by choice)I know it's bad but that's just what I've been. I have a sunny personality towards people but always seemed to me like my mask. It's harder here at work, I work with only 3 others, women all married & happy with children. Younger than me too. That makes me feel worst.
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An_240941 responded:
Oh hun I feel so bad for you. I'm sorry you're struggling with so much in your life right now, but it really doesn't seem like you need him adding extra drama. Honesty I don't think you're freaking out. It doesn't sound "right" to me either. I don't know you or him or the whole story obviously, but if I had to guess than by the sounds of it I'd say he's a cheater. Personally I ditch him & get yourself in a better emotional state so you can start looking at your life & seeing the positives. If you look hard enough you can find them. I wish you luck & happiness dear.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
It sure does sound like there is alot on your plate. And most importantly the not knowing of your health. That would bother me big time. I'm guessing that the issues with your BF are intensifying your emotional response system.

I'm wondering if he began his 'Dear Diary' work status as a joke. If he did, I don't think he would have went through the entire day in that way, I think it would have lasted a sentence or two and that's it. From what you have written my guess is that there's something more going on between the two of them. It may just be an attraction at this point with the friendly flirting and incinuations/overtones. That's often how affairs begin. And it sounds as though they are both prompting eachother. For myself, this is not acceptable behavior. I'm also guessing that she may have looked at you the way she did for you to feel as you do because even if she doesn't want your BF she gets gratification knowing she is a threat, you feel as you do, and she's 'all that & a bag of chips' sort of persona. She gets off on thinking she can have whom ever she wants. Both sexes can have that mentality.

What type of work does he do? His work environment does not sound at all professional and in todays 'work environments' I feel more than confident in saying that if a corporate exec was aware of this, someone may loose their job, or get a serious repremand. What type of stress could he be or is he having? If he is shutting down and seems to be feeling down, (When did this start btw?), I'm thinking that if it started since you confronted with the skype conversation it could be because he was caught and now has to end doing so, or he could be stressed, or he may not know what to do next either. He could have been flirting(if that's what it was) with this other person to relieve some of his stress. Which if the later is the case I can see him unknowingly entering an affair or perhaps an infatuation.

And now for the bigger concern, What's going on with You? What's going on at work? Do you have friends that you just shoot the breeze with? That you maybe go shopping with or get lunch with?
 
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distilled replied to darlyn05's response:
I appreciate your reponse, thank you. Sure helped my thought process with my situation there w/ BF. Some of this stuff that is happening to me is too much to wrap around my brain. Almost 6yrs my BF &I have been in this relationship, living together for 5yrs. It's been tough and mainly because of his work.

His company is a web design co. and I'm being serious when I say it sooo far from the norm of corporate companys. The place has partys & happy hour right there at the company, in the lobby which is a huge space with a counter that turns into a bar. No joke. I have been to his work place for some of these happy hours etc..hence how I've come across "these" girls he works with..which are mostly all college grads with exactly that 'all that & a bag of chips' sort of persona! Young, single making over 50grand a yr girls. I have always had that gut feeling that his joking & comfort levels with some of these girls could be more than work. More personal & crossing the line type of comfort. But of course he's always denied it.

For the first time in 5yrs, all day yesterday he did not call me once. The norm, he calls me at least 3 to 5 times a day, good morn call, lunch call etc & yesterday nothing. I did get to talk to him last night & I ask him to be frank & adult about this,tell me what his intentions are. He was in shut mode & just said he felt like crap and that nothing is going on, it was a joke. His shut down behavior started really months ago. Notice it more after he gets home from work, he has that 'I rather be somewhere else' look. It hurts that I'm trying to look at the big pic here w/ this situation, I see the red flags & I just hate the guessing game. Again most of the fights have been his work, those darn skypes & just to proof my gut feelings I finally caught him doing exactly what he's been denial about. So yeah, I see an affair brewing & I just don't have the strenght to deal.

So yes, big concern my health. I have always been fine my teen/adult life, active, norm weight, &eat pretty healthy with a high pain tolerance. Last summer I developed a pain -back hip area that was just unbearable for weeks. Waking up in mid night pain etc..finally got to the docs & thus the run around began. First doc/gp never even exam me, nor got me in gown. I was bent over w/ pain. Close to ER room type pain. Which I've never been to the ER. So from there my story goes on & on from different docs I was referred to & would do the well I don't know what's going on with you. Even with my CT scans, MRI, Ultrasounds, Bone Scan all being positive, they really have said, your case is in the grey. State I'm in we have only 2 Orthos/Oncologist, 2! Partners at that..and best so I was told. They first told me to pretty much leave my bone tumor alone. My pain persisted & then they changed there story & said, no lets do surgery. Take that tumor out, Risky surgery! Tumor is inside my hip bone by the spine. Take a piece of my pelvis out for this..BUT they are sure my pain with not be cured because they are sure my bone tumor is the not the cause of my pain. HA! So I am confuse with that! Obgyns say the same thing about my uterus. Fibroids, adenomyosis & a unknown lesion?? A hysterctomy is what they want to do. But I haven't had kids. They maybe I can't but there doctors what do they know?( =

So this is all real & happening to me. Alot of unsecure ground. It is frustrating waking not knowing what this darn tumor is. W/work a whole other story. Our company is not well money wise & changes are going on, a possible merge of companys. Just last week bosses send me a person that they wanted me to 'cross train' doing my position. What the heck?? I was so mad & confuse. Why am I training someone to do my job, you know? I asked & I didn't get a straight answer. HENCE MY WHOLE FRUSTRATION that in every aspect of my life it seems that that's the theme. No one is being straight w/me. No & I have closed out myself to the world, no friends really, at least any I trust.
 
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mamareese responded:
I recently went through a similar issue with Facebook and text messaging. I am also in my 30's, no children and technically a newlywed, but I don't feel like it. I was hospitalized in 2009 and my body has not been right since and the doctors still can not narrow down my issues. As I am coping with all this, my husband and I are having major issues. The trust, honor, respect and love seem so far away right now and now is when I need it more than ever. My husband was previous married and already has children.

So here is my advice...decide what you want to do with your life. I have found that a relationship is only good if its good for you. Women want to be married and have children blah blah so much so that we compromise our true selfs. And for what??? No one can or will love you as much as you love yourself. Its time we Act like a lady and think like a man. BE SELFISH and decide what you want to do. You aren't married so seriously sit down and make the hard decisions.
 
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distilled replied to mamareese's response:
Mammareese...
I thought of what you said here really good last night. Today I feel absolutely depleted with my situation. Yesterday during the day he was on the phone w/ that same girl(work related of course he said) when he wouldn't answer my call. Well..I found out it was her on the other line simply because he told me. Usually he'll answer my call no matter what, put others on hold etc... anyhow in the evening I told him that I want to know the truth and he finally just said he didn't have an answer for me. That he feels real, real bad for me and that I had to work my crap out. And he stuck with, he's not doing anything bad.

My whole life is..this one! My home w/ him, our life of actually going on 6yrs is my life. I feel angry at myself for being so isolated. Today I'm at work and I just feel like I can't deal with the anyone. But I have to be here. My work issues are overwhelming as well. I never did school, the job I have I grandfathered into and to change jobs is no easy situation either. I've put in so many apps and had one interview finally a few months ago and nothing! I can' t believe how hard it has gotten to find a job.

Being closer to 40 with no husband, family and or decent job/degree AND sick...is all just letting me fall so hard within myself. I have to say my bf has been a live safer these past years. He has tried and I don't deny that at all. But something has held him back from wanting more with me. And he always said it was my ways of being and insecurities that is the main hinderance.

And to hear of my younger and only sister having her husband and in couple of months here her first baby just makes me feel like I have failed. My own pity party I know..but I really do feel pretty bad.
 
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ajohnson08099 replied to distilled's response:
I am so sorry this is all happening to you distilled. I am so sorry that within all this stress your bf is adding even more. Its an excruciating situation to deal with. He may just feel overwhelmed with might happen to you so he's pulling away. Thats no easy thing to say and there is no easy way to tell your bf how you feel about everything.

This may not really help, but what your boyfriend is doing isn't uncommon whether you are sick or healthy. I've done it, my husbands done it, my exes have done it in the past. He may not really know what the particular situation is. It may be an innocent flirt or it may be him looking at other options.. Honestly... You won't know until it happens. Its hard to explain to someone about flirting with no real intentions. It sure doesn't help the situation I know, but this may just be your boyfriends way of releasing the stress he feels from the situation.

When he says that you have to "work your crap out" What does he mean exactly? I think you two need to take some time and really have a heart to heart. You need to figure out if you are really facing this situation alone or what.

I'm sorry you are having problems with your job as well. Too much stress all around, I'm really sorry.

I know how you feel about your younger sister. Mine just had her first baby and has been married a while. I feel sometimes we have a switched life.

I hope you don't throw yourself a pity party for long, I understand doing it, but you've got to pick yourself up!
 
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An_240941 replied to distilled's response:
I was with a guy for 6 yrs (this is when I was younger & before I was married to my wonderful husband w/2 daughters), but I felt like my life with him was everything & what would I do with out him. Well I got to suspecting him of cheating. He told me the same stuff, you're insecure, it''s in your head, you're crazy, you're emotional & seeing things that aren't there, you are trying to start fights with me because you're stressed. All that lame crap. Well I knew better. None of it seemed right. I was emotional, I was stressed, I had a lot of stuff going on at the time....but that's besides the point.He wasn't acting right, this friendship with this one girls was just weird & not right. Well I got off work early one day & he didn't know, I saw him going somewhere & followed him. He went to her house. When he got home I asked what he had done for the day like I knew nothing. He lied & said he went to taco bell & came home & that was the extent of his day. Well other people started acting funny around me prior to me following him, she was weird around me (& she didn't use to be). I called him on it & he stuttered & stumbled over his words. Kept changing his excuses, all sorts of crap. I ended it right there. I left with out any of my stuff, stayed at a friends house, came back a few days later for my things, picked up the pieces of what was left of my life & started over. It's never too late to start over & sometimes the plan you lay out for yourself in life isn't what you get (sometimes there is another plan for you & if you fight it you may never reach your full potential). Basically if your plan doesn't work out, then throw that plan out the window & start a new one (funny thing, once you do that, sometimes your original plan happens on its own). All I can say to you is something doesn't seem right there & you either need to run your own investigation & figure it out, get over it & just deal with it, or just move on plain & simple. Start over. After all you deserve better. Everyone deserves better than to have a partner (bf, gf, wife, husband, whatever) who strays when times get tough. That's not love! Go on with your life, build your confidence back up, & live for yourself & no one else! Pick a dream & go for it. I'm married w/ 2 kids & just now going back to school to finish my degree. Why? Because I can & I want to & it's my dream. Nothing holds you back from anything more than you can hold back yourself. Get tough girl.
 
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distilled replied to An_240941's response:
I thankyou for all the support here...I keep feeling like somethings got to break soon. I am way stressed. Just today I getting to work I parked and started walking away from my car, was already a good distance away when I happen to look back and found that I had left my car door flung open! Seriously losing my senses.

I'm keeping in mind that gut feelings are key and I feel that edge with him, it's right there. How I wish I could actually confirm the situation cause it really is frustrating playing the guessing/assume game. That alone is nerve wrecking.

Last night his phone rang at almost 2am. Just rang once. He said it was his 'guy friend' who had called. So late? *shaking my head*
 
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elle0317 replied to themanisnothere's response:
FYI not everyone believes in marriage. Clearly there are issues here that need to be resolved before a ring is even considered. A peice of metal will not magically make all the problems or other girls go away and become all puppies and butterflies.
 
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distilled replied to elle0317's response:
Amen to that Elle0317. I was married before, almost 15yrs ago. Hated to leave my marriage but I found that my husband was seeing an x of his while I thought he was going to work at night and found escort services on the computer he'd been searching through..my marriage turned miserable. Was married for only 7yrs but I had to leave him, he wasn't getting better. Lied all time. That's why I starting to sniff out the red flags here with my present situation. Which really brought on panic because of my previous experience. It's just a mess out there w/ relationships I think, significant others that just get so selfish, start lying, cheating etc...and cause so much hurt without stopping to think what they are really doing.

My relationship now actually has felt more like a marriage than my marriage itself. Not a ring, nor a piece of paper is going to make things go how they should in a relationship. In fact sometimes it harder to be married, because if you want or need to leave it's not that easy of course w/out that divorce finalized.

I do agree with "ajohnson" above that my bf might be overwhelmed and just acting out in this way because of that..we have had serious heart to heart talks and I told him I'm overwhelmed too but now is not the time to be adding to my plate. Like my first oncologist docs visit, I was so nervous,scared and I had to go alone. I have no family in this state, he's all I have and he just didn't offer to go with me. When I asked if he'd consider going, he said, do you really need me there? It broke my heart. But on the same token his mother passed of cancer five yrs ago, he was very closed to her and was there every step of her sickness, so I took into great consideration that of course that this might be something he can't handle. I just feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.


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