Couples Coping Support Group

I would say not that much, to be honest. We both have two jobs, I go to school, we're both really involved with our respective families a lot.

During the week, we're together most mornings for a few hours, but we're both getting ready for work/our days, so we're talking a lot but not hugely deep conversations. During the week, most evenings we don't both get home until like 815, an "early" us evening is 615, and then we usually hit the gym "together" for about an hour. At the gym, we don't really talk or interact but to encourage each other occasionally.

After the gym during the week we either hang out and have us time for a few hours, or see friends. Togetherness time or friendship time tends to last about 4-5 hours. I'd say on average, we spend 1-2 days with friends during the week, and 3-4 days just the two of us. Our hanging out together time involves me reading and him playing video games sometimes, or him doing dishes and my tidying up the place. A lot of conversation in either case, but the focus isn't really on "us". I fall asleep before he does lately (since he got his surgery for sleep apnea he's a whole new man!!!!! ) unless we're going to have sex. We have sex probably about 3-4 times a week hahaha so sex takes up a decent amount of our together time.

During the weekend, I usually see him for a very little while Sat. morning during which he gets ready for work. If I'm working I'm outta the house by the time he gets up. He spends Sat. night into Sunday on the ambulance a state away, and I usually get s***faced with my friends. I usually don't see him 'til I get out of work on Sunday (around 5), at which point I go visit he and his parents in NH or he comes home and we see my parents typically. Or sometimes I go out on Sunday nights and we don't see each other until Mon. morning.

We're both very independant, we're both only children, and this really, really works for us. We get to be together, and if one of us is feeling disconnected we try to make more time. I think that's what's key, we're both happy not having a huge amount of focused "us" time. I get the bittersweetness of missing him on weekends, and he's really cool about trusting me so I get to go out and spend time with my friends and family and heck, even by myself on weekends.

Question, have you tried engaging her? Have you tried maybe suggesting something fun, like a board game or something? Have you even just told her "I miss talking with you"? I'm an avid reader myself, and sometimes I can be a little neglectful and get too caught up in what I'm reading and not M. He'll just call me out on it, ask me to stop, and have something for us to do together, even if it's just giggle at episodes of "Queer Eye" together.

We start our day over coffee in bed (yes, he makes the coffee every day ... and yes, he does have a brother but he's taken too - lol) before the girls get up. It's one of the few times that we have the peace to talk things over. So we discuss things that we'd forgotten about the day before and things to do in the day just beginning.

He calls me at lunchtime just to say hello every day.

Any info on appointments made or changed is done via e-mail unless urgent.

I also give him a quick call after I collect my daughters after school. Just because ...

When he gets home,things are generally pretty busy with the girls, dinner, homework, etc. but once the girls are in bed (8 pm) we have the rest of the evening to ourselves. Sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes I go into the kitchen to read (generally because he wants to watch a match - not a common occurrence though), sometimes we're both in the office checking our email. We nearly always go to bed together.

Weekends are pretty similar - we may not be working (well, I might, I'm supposed to be working right now in fact - ah the joys of being freelance ) but we work on different things, he might be fixing the back bedroom and me doing gardening. There is a lot of 4-way interaction at meal times, a lot of chatting. Meal-times are great for discussion and communication!

That's wonderful, FCL--I'm envious.

I talked to my wife about this last night--I got the same answer I always get from her: "I'd be more attentive to you (or whatever) if you asked me to."

I just don't think one should have to ask their spouse, generally, to be attentive to them and interact with them each and every time that is desired, should they? I think you show your true feelings for someone by what is given freely, not by what you give out of obligation.

Her answer is a cop-out. She's transferring the entire issue back to you rather than working on it with you.

I agree, you shouldn't have to ask your spouse to be attentive and to interact but a lot of how one behaves towards the other depends on basic character traits. Interaction comes easily to me because I'm a communicator. I talk. I exchange ideas. I listen. I discuss. That's just who I am.

You say she reads for most of her free time - have you ever set up evenings with her and your daughters to do things together? Like a board game evening? They are great for interaction. My brother and his wife have been doing that on a regular basis for years with their daughters. It's surprising how much a game can facilitate communication.

We actually interact quite a bit. We don't see each other in the mornings usually since either I get up before he does or he gets up before I do. We talk in the evenings and as both kids are in bed by 8p, we will watch a tv show together. We spend most weekends together although every now and then he'll do something with his sister.

I think you show your true feelings for someone by what is given freely, not by what you give out of obligation.

This is very true and something I had to learn a while ago. Can't make someone love you. I do think, however, that on occasion, if you have to tell your mate you need some attention or extra love, there's nothing wrong with that. But generally, love & intimacy should be shared on a regular basis.

As for me & mine, we see each other about every other day, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on our schedules. On the days we are with each other, the time interacting can vary too. Sometimes we're busy but just want to be around each other (like in the same home but in the other room) or just to sleep next to one another. We usually go out once a week for a date, and do something else another night also, like rent a movie or have a meal together.

When we're together, we recap the day. On the days we don't see each other, we do this also via text messaging or phone. Even if it's just to say hello, how was your day or I'm thinking of you.

All in all, I think it's just what's best for each person/couple. Both of us like to have our own space & can achieve this if we're just in different rooms. Plus, his biological clock is different than mine. He's a morning person where I prefer staying up late. So in the mornings, he's up before me & has his own time... in the night, I'm up later than him & have my own time.

what's best for each person/couple.

whatever works for each person/couple.