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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    How do I keep myself from being resentful
    Anon_79663 posted:
    So I have posted a number of times in the past. Some of my post were about scheduling sex and what do do when she keeps changing the rules. My wife and I have gone through somewhatvof a slump ov last few years but as I look back it's been an ongoing issue. My wife would tell me we couldnt have sex b/c her legs were hurting from the rain that might be coming in or b/c things weren't done around the house. We both have been getting not better shape and she seems to not be as tired or lazy as she has been in the past. When we went to our only counceling session about 9 mos ago she was to get some bloodwork done ton find out why she was so tired but it took her forever to do it. When I brought it up to her again she said who wants to find out they are bipolar and be committed. I told her it's nit about that but finding out why she is always tired. B/c either u r lazy or there is something wrong and if there is something wrong lets work on fixing it and get on track. Well we had the bloodwork done over 2 wks ago and I think no news is good news. But now I feel even more used and unappreciated b/c maybe she jus was lazy. Now I feel that the past 6-7 yrs of our marriage has been wasted b/c she didn't want to make things better. She was happy doing as little as she could yet getting all the perks b/c I loved her and my family. But now that she is in Berger shape and taken better care of herself, things seem to be better but I am just so upset on the time wasted(she has even apologized in the past for wasting our time). I want to give her a fair shot to make things right, I just feel so used and I don't want to bring it up as it may derail her progress. Am I wrong for feel ing this way? How can I give my wife a chance to make rigght w/o resenting her for things she has done in the past. Realize I'm all over the place. Feel free to ask questions to clarify things. Thx
    An_240941 responded:
    Why is everything all about her & her mistakes & her fixing things? You can't be perfect and it takes 2 to make mistakes & damage a marriage & it takes 2 to fix it as well. You seem very hard on her & demanding & forgive me if I speak out of turn but you make yourself sound controlling. Can you "make things right with your wife w/o resenting her for the past", thi is what you said, but can she do the same for you? Because if the answer is yes then yours should be too. Are you in love with her? because it doesn't sound like it. Is she in love with you? I think she feels hurt & damaged & like she isn't enough & I doubt she started feeling like that all on her own (meaning I'm sure you helped her get to that point). Maybe you should take it easy & just try to enjoy your life together with out having so much emphasis on sex & just re-learn how to go through life day by trying to enjoy one another without a fight or argument or sex.
    Anon_79663 replied to An_240941's response:
    There is no doubt that it takes two and It is fair for u assume I'm controlling as this isnthe onlynpost u may have seen from me. And most of the time it is about sex fornme b/c I'm a guy. When we went to counseling we were asked how we needed love or how we viewed love hers were gifts, being told she looked nice and being told that she is appreciated on how she takes care of the house and kids when I treavel for work. Mine for the most part was sex. And in m defense I have stopped buying her little gifts but I replaced them with little stickynnotes all over the house for her and the kids when I traveled. I set em up sonif I was gone for 3 days it would take her 3 days ton find them all b/c they were hid throughout the house. I told her how much I loved her and how much I missed her and left little notes for the kids as well at eye level sonthey could find them. I have started buying little gifts for her again too. Here is a little background. Every 6 mos or so my wife and I would have the same conversation on why her need were met but mine weren't. And everything it was a different answer. Once it was she noticed light bulbs needed to be changed so no loving or her something like that. Each time I asked her whatbi needed to do differently or if there was anything she needednfrom me and she always said no. This went on for at least 6-7 yrs of our marriage. I have asked her in the past on at least 3 diffent times fornus to get counseleing and each time she said no. The last time was b/c we were expecting and she saud she didn't want to stress the baby. I told her that was a lame excuse and I feel that if we were expecting she still woulnt go. It took her a while to answer so her not saying anythibg told me a ton. But she finally agreed to go and wengotnsomething worked out. I do agree that I just need to take it easy and enjoy my wides new energy and let things play themselves out. A lot is explained in previous post but as my post arenanonymous it might be hard to find. I do love my wife and my family. It is interesting that u feel I may have driven her to that point as I feel. Have been very supportive in everything she does. But u never know what u are or aren't doing until someone tell u
    queston replied to Anon_79663's response:
    You might consider this...

    Whatever way we mistreated our spouses (and we all do, in small or big ways), we don't do it "on purpose," as a willful act of mistreatment.

    That's not to say we might not sometimes know what we're doing, but it's more complex--the product of the overall health of the relationship (as we perceive it), and so on.

    So, perhaps your wife has mistreated you, been lazy, damaged your relationship, and so on. But she hasn't done so on purpose, or just to hurt you or take advantage of you.

    The evidence seems to suggest that she wants your marriage to be better and you to be happier. So I think the key is to find a way to concentrate on that.

    And trust me, I know, form personal experience, that this is easier said than done.
    fcl responded:
    What is this obsession with laziness? Why all this criticism? Why fight for right or wrong? Wasted years of marraige? Why should they have been wasted? Why should she have been the one to make things better?

    It sounds as if you have spent your married life dreaming of some ideal relationship and ignored the fact that yours maybe wasn't so bad. Your wife may not be the person you imagined she was. People change. How on EARTH did you go about getting her to apologize for wasting time in your marriage?? That must have taken a lot of brow-beating...

    I think that if you want things to get better you are going to have to let go of the past, stop holding grudges and start accepting your wife for the woman she is. I also think that you should seriously consider (both of you) going to marriage counselling.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    Anon_79663 replied to fcl's response:
    Wow. Well outside of her letting it slip that she said she was lazy and her trilby a close friend she was lazy as well I have no reason to think she was lazy. When I asked her if she remember telling me she ws lazy she said no and when her friend let it slip that she told her the same it I brought it up only once and it wasn't to prove a point or show that I was right. I guess another reson to not post anonymously b/c u FCL have responded to previous post as well. And saw mynpoint of view I may have spent some of marriage wondering what if, but when u are having sex with your spouse and are told u need to finish or nit being touched down there until it is time and being pulled on top asking if this is the night or not It tends to stick in my memory. As I stated in previous post I come here not to get beat up but to see what I could be doing wrong and what I could do to make things better or am I wrong for feeling as I do. More times
    fcl replied to Anon_79663's response:
    I did not intend to beat you up. I was simply answering your post in this thread. I may have agreed with you in another thread but that does not mean that I agree with you unconditionally about everything you write.

    I seriously think that the pair of you could very much benefit from counselling. Things will get better when you both learn to accept each other and to pull together in the same direction. They will not get better while either is placing blame and complaining.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to Anon_79663's response:
    Just being completely honest with you--you sound very whiny and nagging. I don't know if this is how you communicate with your wife but from your post it appears you believe everything wrong in your marriage is her fault.

    Sex is a major player in marriage, but it isn't everything. And to put it bluntly, I don't know any man or woman alive who feels an intimate connection with their spouse in the absence of a healthy emotional relationship. For me, personally, I would have a hard time having sex with my husband if we were fighting all the time. Sex is a further expression of love within a marriage. It seems like you and your wife have a serious lack of emotional intimacy and respect for each other.

    You do need counseling, as a couple. You come across as very angry and bitter. As I said before, I don't know how you communicate with your wife but telling her she's lazy and has wasted the majority of your marriage is NOT the way to improve your relationship.
    An_240941 replied to Anon_79663's response:
    I have read your other posts prior to responding to this post. I know the background. I still think you're out of line. First of all whether sh said she has been lazy or not is besides the point. We all get lazy now & then so why through something so trivial in her face,especially when one of you responses in this post to FCL states " I have no reason to think she was lazy." Okay, so why make a big deal of it & bring it up at all? Why not let it go or tell her you don't think she is lazy instead of changing your mind to her being lazy just because she vented something about how she felt about herself at that moment? It's ridiculous childish crap & it's sad to waste your life & marriage on such stupidity.

    I think FCL is kind of right. It's like you have this ideal women/marriage built up in your head to the point where you don't see all the good you have right in front of you. If you love your wife than you love her for who she is & you love her through the good, the bad, & everything in between. Also, I don't care if your excuse for being so concerned about sex is "because you're a man", That's a BS excuse. We are all concerned about sex in our relationships. It's part of a healthy relationship, but it's the main thing you emphasize. It seems like it's the ONLY thing you care about. Like nothing she does is going to be right until she gives you more sex & in ways you want it...god forbid she not be into foreplay or feel sexy when she is nagged at & convinced to apologize for "...wasting time in your marriage!"

    You said "The last time was b/c we were expecting and she saud she didn't want to stress the baby. I told her that was a lame excuse..." Seriously? Some women don't feel comfortable having sex when they are pregnant. Regardless of the reason, at the end of the day it is her body & her going through the pregnancy (at that point in time). How dare you not respect that. You sound like your only concern is your wants rather than her needs. You sound like you treat her with little to no respect (& sticky notes & little gifts don't amount to love or respect, just so you know. It's nice, but not if everything else that goes with it is negative.)

    Have you ever heard of mental or emotional abuse? You make it sound as though you mentally/emotionally abuse her. You say "Each time I asked her whatbi needed to do differently or if there was anything she needednfrom me and she always said no." Maybe you beat her down so bad that she is scared to say anything or you have her brain washed & convinced that she is just awful & it's all her fault. You make it sound here like you think it's all her fault & like your practically perfect with your little sticky notes.

    Look, I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful to you, but my opinions are based off of your words. Marriages don't works the way you seem to be wanting it to. It's give & take. I seriously agree with the OP here. You 2 need counseling to have any chance to make this work. All your posts, people respond & try to get you to see how mean & selfish & angry & bitter you seem over trivial things & it never seems to sink in. Instead of looking at her flaws, why don't you take a good hard look in the mirror after reflecting on all your previous posts & the corresponding responses. Maybe then you'll start seeing/acknowledging what you are/aren't doing right/wrong. You just seem like you have too think of a noggin to really listen to what everyone else is saying to you, you probably aren't really getting what your wife tries to say to either (even when she say it loud & clear, which at this point it seems like she gave up on attempting to do any further.) Good luck.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to An_240941's response:
    Great post!!
    Anon_79663 replied to An_240941's response:
    It does appear hst I make it all about sex and it truly is not. My concern on trying to get her tong onto counceling is that I don want to take away from her th strides and advancement she has made. I do tell her I'm proud of her an see the changes she has made. I know I'm not perfect and never said I was. I always look for was to better myself although it may not seem likevit does here or in any of my post

    Lastly not once have I ever forced myself on my wifevor told her it was lame that she didn't want o have sex with me b/c she didnt want to stress the baby. I told her it was lame of her not wanting to go to see a councler b/c she didn't want o stress the baby. I have been th one wantin to seek marriage counceling not her. Im looking for help not her.
    fcl replied to Anon_79663's response:
    Get counselling - it won't damage any progress that has been made and can only help. No more excuses.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    livinglife89 replied to fcl's response:
    Hello after reading for a while and seeing responses back and forth, it is time you live life full each day. you cannot change yesterday, you can only learn from it today. tomorrow is a new day and you are responsible for how your day goes. Try talking to your wife by asking her how can you change/ what she misses/ what annoys her. She cannot change u, just puts up with you.....leaving me to think she has accepted. How committed are you to move forward? I am feeling you spend so much time on the computer and the more one of us gives u an opinion it becomes hurtful or not really what u wanted to hear.II would be resentful and tired and annoyed if we did not spend time with each other. Have you guys just pull away from each other... I believe in you wanting to get help. You have to be ready to hear your wife out. Communicating is the key. Listening to her. If she read any of this wouldn't it be so hurtful? I would. Whether I am lazy or anything describing me in a negative way it would be more hurtful to have my husband discussing me being lazy,or whatever he would describe me. I think respect has so much to do with your resentment. Nothing comes good with resentment. Clear your mind. Focus on you and what you can make better. Talk to her. Go on a walk. forget sex for a week. get to know her all over. Nurture her. Don't expect anything in return.Tell her I what you miss other than sex.I think after seven years you got to try to make it work....she has not , she is still your committed wife in the relationship, wishing you both postive energy and good solutions! good luck!
    robertsand responded:
    You can never be happy with your marriage if you'll never accept the fact that the two of you are living together a life that's full of resentments. Choose to ignore the petty things/arguments and focus on the more important matters.

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