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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Married and confused
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An_245475 posted:
I've been married for two years. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. On paper he is the perfect match for me- everything I wanted in a partner. At the beginning everything felt amazing, he was the only person I have ever had sex with and I very rarely orgasm, but he thinks I do. I didn't tell him that I wasn't and now I feel like Im in too deep to tell him now. For the past two years I have not really wanted to have sex. I dont think thats normal, but I might just have a low sex drive. I was ok with it and would try to accomodate his needs. For the past year I feel like our relationship has been in decline. Especially in the last few months. He hasnt done anything bad, mean, or anything like that. I just feel bored and lonely. I don't enjoy his company like i used to. I dread having sex with him. I love him and care for him deeply and its the only reason i keep pretending things are ok because he cares for me so much that it would destroy him if i told him how unhappy i was. I keep hoping these feelings will go away but they are only getting worse. And now there is another person who I am friends with that has expressed his feelings towards me. They arent on a deep level, more an intimate thing, and I feel the exact same way. I dont want to spend my life with this other guy but I can't help but think about having sex with him. I dont want to cheat on my husband but I can't stop texting this other person. I want to be happy and I dont know if this feeling of discontent is just a "rough patch" or if it goes deeper. I really really dont want to hurt my husband but i think i was too inexperienced in life to get married when i did. I want to experience being with other men intimately. I want to see what else is out there, but i know I wont find someone better than what i have now. But there is no more spark or chemistry.... I feel so confused and ashamed of my thoughts. Please, any help would be greatly appreciated. Im desperate to talk this out but don't want to tell any family or friends about my feelings. Thanks for any advice
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3point14 responded:
You don't have to feel ashamed about your thoughts, to start. They're just thoughts and we can't help where our mind goes. But what you can help is your actions, and when you say you "can't" stop texting the other man who wants to have sex with you, you're just making excuses for your behavior. It's not that you can't stop, it's that you don't want to stop.

There's nothing inherently wrong, I don't think, with wanting a deep sexual connection with your husband, but it's not something that just happens. Why don't you talk to him about the fact that you don't orgasm? Why not tell him how disconnected you feel? It would destroy him if he knew how unhappy you were? Nope, it probably wouldn't. What's more likely to destroy him is you cheating on him with a "friend" of yours, without him even knowing anything is wrong. If you both don't discuss what's going on, how is your relationship supposed to get better?

If what you want is to have sex with other people, then you owe your husband honesty. Have you ever talked about having an open relationship with him? Would you be willing to lose the life you've created for more "experience"? I think it's easy when you're in a relationship, with all the ups and downs, to focus on how humdrum it is. What have you done to add passion to your marriage? What could your husband do? Why not just tell him about your needs?

If this is just a "rough patch", you need to stop texting this other man, put your effort into your husband, and at least allow him to try to be the passionate man you want. You need to be honest with him about your expectations of married sex life, and with yourself about what you really want. If however you do want to have sex with other people, at least allow your husband the dignity of not being a chump and tell him that you want to break up. If he's otherwise perfect for you and a generally kind person, the least you can do is free him to find someone who can appreciate him more fully.

I wish you the best of luck. Stuff like this can be really confusing, but with communication and effort, you can make the right decision for yourself and a fair one for your relationship.
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
I agree with 3point14, you don't have to be ashamed of these feelings/thoughts. I can identify with the curiosity that comes from not having been with anyone but your husband.

However, there's a big difference between thoughts and actions. You can stop texting this man-friend of yours. There are some men I don't talk to as much anymore because I don't think it'd be very respectful to my husband, as these other men have feelings for me that they've had since I was single. It's not easy, especially when you're lonely.

Feeling lonely makes you vulnerable. Don't get yourself in a situation you're going to regret. IDK much about open relationships, but sometimes they really work, so again I agree with 3point14 on that. I think that your feelings are serious enough that you need to talk to your husband. If he is as loving and caring as you described, I think he would want to have this conversation with you if he knew how you felt.

Good men are hard to find. I know how important sex is, and how you can be sexually frustrated. Believe me, I'm in a situation where I'm frustrated too most of the time. But I think you should be open with your husband and try to improve your sex life together.

This is a very very important part of a marriage. It's definitely something you should talk about with him.

Good luck, and keep posting here. The people in this community are more helpful than you can imagine!

<3 luck
 
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darlyn05 responded:
The only thing I can add to what the previous respondered mentioned or wrote is questions.

Is it possible that the infatuation and excitement from the newness of your marriage is not as intense anymore(that is what happens) and your not ready to move onto the next phase of marital bliss?

Is it possible that since your husband is the only one you've been sexual with that you yourself are uncertain of what 'gets' you going?

Is it possible that you can use this time to discover yourself more, with your husband?(fantasies, urges, changing things up)

Let us know how your doing. Good Luck


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