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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
My spouse has always had problems with PE and a few years ago he also developed ED. I thought it was related to having a couple of surgeries pretty close together, but that doesn't appear to be it. Forgive me for being shallow, but he is also now overweight and I've always found that very unattractive. (And before you ask, I'm on the low side of healthy weight.) He's very good at a number of things in bed, but the thought of intercourse with him is just plain yucky. I suppose I should say at least it is over quickly, but ... Yuck. Sorry to keep using that word, but YUCK!
Also, frustrating, upsetting and depressing.
We've sort of discussed it. His testosterone levels are normal. His cholesterol does tend to be high so maybe that's it. He's tried the pills but irony of ironies, they give HIM a headache. But at the end of the day, he still likes having sex and when he wants to have sex, my first reaction is "Yuck." I just don't know how to tell him how very frustrating and unsatisfying it is without hurting his feelings. As far as his weight goes, I know it must bother him more than it bothers me. He was in excellent shape when we started dating (hence perhaps my ability to ignore the PE). I wouldn't bring that up because I think it is health related. But I don't know how to have the discussion about the other issues.
Note for those of you starting relationships you think might be permanent, especially the younger folks: The quality of your sex life will remain important for a very, very, very, very long time. Talk about this before you set up light housekeeping together!
So he has always had the PE, or does it come and go (no pun intended)? This can be a symptom of other problems. For example, I have chronic prostatitis. Whenever I get a flare-up (which is, mercifully, only 2-3 times a year now), PE is one of my symptoms.
Are we talking about a minute or less, or what? (Different people have different standards of what constitutes PE).
The best technique for dealing with PE, IMHO, is to masturbate (or ejaculate by some other means) at just the right amount of time (which will vary from man to man and by age) before anticipated sex. But, for a man with ED, this is probably not a great strategy.
Have you tried the condoms with the desensitizing gel inside of them?
My guess would be that if you could have better, more satisfying sex, some of your other issues about the yuck factor might fall away.
What are your feelings towards him in general(as a person and your marital partner)? How long have the two of you been together? Has he had a complete physical/work up including labs? How old are the two of you? Can you address your concerns to him in a way towards his health/his longevity?
q - It's been that way since we started dating (about 20 years ago). Does five minutes or less count? Although I've been doing some research and it appears two minutes or less is the more accepted definition. I guess it's just not what I'm used to and he always seemed embarrassed by it so I'm guessing it's not what HE was used too, either. In doing some research last night I read that a man may have no problems with one sex partner but consistently experience PE with another. So maybe it's me? No idea what to do about that. We've tried your suggestion before (I read about it somewhere) and I can say it doesn't work for him, unfortunately. I did not know about those condoms though, so thanks for the tip. I also completely agree about the weight-related yuck factor.
d - Thanks for asking that, it made me think. He's a great person, I really care about him, I would rather poke out one of my eyes than hurt his feelings. But I admit the sex issue has had a huge impact on how I feel about him. We're now in our mid-40's so, yes it would be 19 years we've been together. When we first started dating we BOTH thought it would be a short term relationship (we met out of town and I was planning to move soon). Then I told myself it was because he was sick. Then I thought (when we were mid-30s) that any day now I'd be too old to want to have sex. Yeah, what did I know? But it means I just feel fond of him. I don't expect to have hearts and flowers coming out of my ears for him after all of this time, but I should feel something more than bland affection, shouldn't I?
Due to his health history and his family health history he's had full work ups, has to see the doctor for lab work on a regular basis (mainly cardio and endocrine) and I know he's spoken to his doctor about the ED, had the testosterone test, even had a DRE to see if he might have an enlarged prostate. Not sure if he's asked about the PE. He hasn't had a test to specifically test the ED though. (Like the postage stamp test.) The doctor has given him pill samples (First V and then C). My spouse won't get a prescription filled. At first he said because they're expensive and when I offered to buy them (kind of ha, ha, early birthday present). Then he said they gave him a headache, which I understand is a sign its boosting his bp a little too much. So no more of THAT. I'd much rather do without than risk his health.
I have approached it from the health angle because that seemed the least hurtful. Thanks for the confirmation that it was a good approach. He refuses to see a specialist, like a urologist, about it, even though our insurance would cover it. He doesn't have time he says. OK, fair enough. I should say I know this must be very hard for him (no pun intended). I know I sound like a whiny btch. But I intend to go the distance with him and it's not looking like there will be much fun in the sack on this trip.
I think it's quite possible that your attitude toward your relationship and the fact that appear grossed out by your husband is destroying what sex life the two of you DO have. You think because you don't come right out and tell him he's "yucky" that he doesn't notice how you feel? That's not likely.
I have a hard time believing, too, that a little pudge can make your feelings dwindle to "bland affection". I am guessing there is more to this story.
I actually hold some of the same sentiment as stephs. It sounds like there is more to this story. But I digress....
On his "weight problem". Have you made any attempts at all to help him get back in shape? Do you try to encourage him? Do you offer/suggest that you two take a walk together? Ride bikes? Join a gym?
What is the rest of your relationship like?
As for the PE, I use a spray product called Premjact that tends to help me. In fact a few times, I've tired myself out way before I ejaculate. My wife and I prefer the spray since she doesn't enjoy using condoms.
Just quickly popped back in before shutting computer down and I thought of this, I began early peri-menopause in my late 30's and with that the thought of sex with my partner was not necessarily as I wanted it to be. Close to what your experiencing and still a little different. Could this possibly be affecting your view of sex with your partner? Also something similar for women as men during their 'menopause' or 'mid-life crisis' state, is our fantasy of something 'more' or 'different' than whats become the norm in our relationship.
I'm guessing that infact you are in love with your husband regardless of how the sexual intimacy has been, and with the stumbling blocks related to the aging of a relationship and as individuals this has now become frustrating for you. If that is not the case, then like steph_3_kidz mentioned, what else may be happening that could come into play with this for you? Are you finding that you are 'noticeing'(sp) other men now versus what you experienced in the past that would be say 'unusual' for someone in love with their partner?
s_3_k - You could well be right, in part. I don't make gagging noises when he gets undressed but maybe something shows in my face/attitude? I don't know. I don't know how to ask him if it does. If you can tell me, please, please do. However, as I said, the problem with PE has been constant, even back when he was - no exaggeration - inhumanly fit. As for his current shape, I wish it was just a "little pudge." If one pudge = 25 lbs, he's got two pudges. I know it bothers him a great deal, but I can't help the fact that I find it unattractive. In my defense, I can say he was pretty blunt with me when my weight was closer to the target for my height, which is about 15 pounds over what I normally weigh. I started working out and now he doesn't make jokes about me getting fat any more. So, yes. Knowing that getting fat means I go out with the recycling has probably made me a little resentful. But again, that's how he feels, that's his preference, I can't change it. Doesn't mean I have to think it is fair.
And I don't know. As I said, he has chronic health problems and it has affected his mood. I understand that, I've been sick too. But it is kind of hard to want to get intimate with someone who is growly and grumpy and fat and has ED. Which probably makes him grumpier, huh?
j2011 - Good question, yes I have. He will go on walks with me, he won't join a gym because it costs too much. I've invited him to my work out class but he says he doesn't time. That's all I can see to do that wouldn't constitute nagging. Thanks for your suggestion about the spray. I'd never heard of it either. As for our relationship ... Meh? We've probably had five arguments that involved raised voices in the entire time we've been together. We get along. I think he's very funny. He just thinks I'm weird. He's sweet and beautiful. We like to do things together. I don't want to hurt him.
I don't know HOW you could come out and ask him if he can tell if you're repulsed by sex with him. I mean, how does one say that? And how do you feel that way about someone you love to begin with?
Growly, grumpy, fat. THOSE are the words you choose to describe your spouse? Then you say he's sweet and beautiful, and you get along, and he's funny, and you like to do things to gether? That is a big contradiction.
I have to wonder if you have started noticing other men, too, like darlyn said. It seems that your allegiance is not with your husband, and I am basing that on the way you've chosen to describe him here.
FWIW, 5 minutes is pretty squarely within the typical range, from what I have read. (Yeah, some guys last a lot longer than that, but many don't. Apparently, Masters&Johnson or someone described PE as "less than 8 minutes" decades ago, only to find out that this made about 75% of all men "premature ejaculators.")
The desensitizing spray or condoms might help him last longer, but I suspect that 5 minutes is probably a lot more satisfying when...
1. You're feeling more attracted to him, physically,
2. You've followed the "ladies first" principle before intercourse.
1a. Fair enough. 1b. I don't get it. I'm talking straightforward physical attraction in this instance. I'm not sure romantic love enters into it. Or put another way, you can love someone and NOT find them attractive.
2. Yes. Because his health problems make him all of those things. But that's NOT who I married and knowing his mood and probably weight are caused by an illness doesn't make everything OK. However, when he feels OK, he is all of those nice things. And yes, his face is still beautiful. I didn't say he was ugly, I said he's fat.
3. Not sure what "noticing other men" means. They're sort of all over the place. If you mean noticing [wink wink>: No. Way. That's a thousand times yuckier. (To me anyway.) If I'd decided to go that route, why would I be here complaining?
Jeune1 said: j2011 - Good question, yes I have. He will go on walks with me, he won't join a gym because it costs too much. I've invited him to my work out class but he says he doesn't time. That's all I can see to do that wouldn't constitute nagging. Thanks for your suggestion about the spray. I'd never heard of it either. As for our relationship ... Meh? We've probably had five arguments that involved raised voices in the entire time we've been together. We get along. I think he's very funny. He just thinks I'm weird. He's sweet and beautiful. We like to do things together. I don't want to hurt him.
I can somewhat relate to the disinterest in working out. My wife is not fat but she has put on a few pounds since we met. I did as well but started working out. I tried to encourage her to workout with me but she always seemed disinterested or would start then get burned out after one or two workout sessions. The angle I now use is for the same reasons you state about your husband: her health. She has very unhealthy cholesterol levels. For a while she was a walking time-bomb. Stressful job, doesn't eat right, smoked, didn't exercise and has some family history of heart disease. I was finally able to convince her she needed to exercise for health reasons. As did her doctor. We've since started back at the gym, we both quit smoking, she no longer has a high stress job and we both try to watch what we eat. So this may be the angle you need (if you haven't already) to get your husband back to working out. And if he does, you both might find his ED starts to diminish. And if all else fails, a serious sit-down face-to-face with your husband may be in order. He may not fully realize the negative effect it's having. He may be, for lack of a better descriptions, fat, dumb and happy with how things are and doesn't fully understand your feelings on things.
Yes, LOL, I meant noticing. As in being attracted to in a serious way, etc.
I guess your answer 1b kind of baffles me. If you love someone in a romantic way, to me, that's a BIG piece of the equation as far as attraction goes.
Personally, when I got married I weighed 95 lbs. I have gained quite a bit of weight and given birth 4 times. I am not huge but definitely out of my comfort zone. My husband has NEVER complained and our sex life has NEVER suffered for it. FWIW, my husband has gained about 60 pounds since we got married as well (he was super, super skinny also). That has not and does not bother me one bit.
So yes. I do think that loving someone romantically affects how you feel about a weight gain, or if it bothers you at all.
When I mentioned 'noticing' other men I mean't it as a purely innocent passer by type of noticing, like; 'well he's cute', or nice butt on him'. That sort of thing. Although different than what we hear men experiencing more as they get closer to this age group or 'mid-life', still realizing women do this also.
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