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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
confused..
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An_241965 posted:
Hi, so ive been with this guy a little over 3 years we got engaged last year and i was thinking all was going great, and i love him, but he has changed so much and i hate the way he has changed he use to be the most caring nicest guy you could ever ask for and now within the past year it started out as name calling telling me im stupid if i dont know how to do something or if i cant lift something heavy im just brain dead or worthless or retarded it doesnt matter what i do if its wrong in his mind or if he does something wrong its my fault. So i talked to him and told him how it was bothering me and that i was loosing faith in our relationship and he said i will change im sorry i dont want you to leave, well i havent seen any improvement and anything. Its like when i ask him to do something with me im nagging him. I feel like when ever im around him i have to walk on eggshells bc i dont wanna make him mad. I asked him if he was serious about our relationship and if he truely wants to be with me, because the last thing i want is to be unhappy and he always says no i want you and only you were going to be together forever, but honestly idk if i see myself with him in 2 years let alone forever. If we fight and i cry he makes fun of me, and says stuff like why are you crying, crying doesnt fix nothing your 22 not 12 grow up. I seriously am at a loss now, i really dont know what i want.I wanna be happy and i do love him but idk if its love or in love anymore he was my first real boyfriend i was 19 right out of hs when we got together. But with the way his temper is when he gets upset and yells and calls me names i feel one day hell turn around and knock me too the ground. Ive talked to my best friend about whats going on and she wants me to get an apartment with her bc she's afraid that the same thing is going to happen and to me, and deep down i know i wanna leave and get an apartment be single for a while but im afraid if i leave then i will be lost and want him, the only reason i say that is based off last year we had break from each other it lasted the weekend he went with his dad and i went with my mom and i missed him like crazy and it hurt so bad but right now i think that ill be happier that it will hurt but its better. So i need some advice. If you make it all the way threw my vent you deserve something lol
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fcl responded:
Did his abusive behaviour begin before or after you got engaged?

It seems to me that he is not happy with your relationship (people outgrow each other you know, sometimes they're not ready to settle down) and he's trying to push you to be the one to break up because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. If it's any comfort, few first relationships last. That's the point of dating - to find the right person, not to grab the first one and try to make him/her fit.

Why not grab the opportunity to be YOU? Be single for a while, learn to enjoy your own company?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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kai2009 replied to fcl's response:
The thing is, is when i mention about breaking up with him he crys and beggs me not to leave. It all started after we got engaged that he doesnt know what he would do w.o me and if i ever left he would kill me. He has told me that if he wanted to break up or me leave he would tell me too leave. Just the other day he was telling his buddy our plans on getting married next summer and how he cant wait. But i really dont see myself marrying this man.
 
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An_240414 replied to kai2009's response:
You really should take steps to break this off, move in with your friend- be grateful she is there for you and you have a place to go. That is great to have support. If he is this way now- I promise you it will only get worse and it won't change. I had doubts, pretty much same situation, and now here I am 3 years married and trying to figure my way out. Its okay if you leave when he is begging you not to, and its okay to miss him, it will be super hard at first. But you might also feel relieved, and you should. I cant believe he said he would kill you if you left- I mean I can - but its not right. That is not healthy!!! You need to just put yourself first right now, and do what is best for you. Keep posting, people here have great advice. Good luck!
 
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3point14 replied to kai2009's response:
...and if i ever left he would kill me.



This is beyond unhealthy. Nobody should ever "need" a person to stay alive, and the fact that he's putting that burden on you is not only completely unfair, but completely unrealistic and controlling.

Get out. You don't see yourself marrying him? GOOD. He sounds like a beast to deal with and besides that, it sounds like you want more life experience before you settle down. Good! Your gut is telling you what to do, just listen to it and get out of there. So he cries and begs you not to leave? So what? It's sad, and it definitely is hard at the end of a relationship, but your being "nice" to him and staying with him is not only making you miserable, but putting you in physical danger.

Try to move in with your friend, but if he knows where your friend live you might need to get a restraining order. Keep any e-mails he sends you, save all your voicemails, and do not respond to him being in touch with you. If need be, maybe try to find a women's shelter. You should be able to find a local one through the internet, through a local church, or the Salvation Army. Consider getting individual counseling afterwards, both to help you cope with this situation, and to see what it is in you that got you into a relationship like that and what you can be aware of next time you get close to someone so you can better protect youself. I'm of course not blaming you or his behavior, but I've been in bad situations similar to yours before, and counseling helped me to see ways that I could be safer.

Keep strong, and remember, you do not owe him anything. You don't want to be with him anymore, and you certainly don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who threatens it. Best of luck.
 
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An_241965 replied to 3point14's response:
Thank you for your replies, this weekend he is going out of town with his dad and buddy. I plan on saturday to go look at a few apartments with my best friend. I could always go back to my moms but in all honesy living there would make me more stressed. It hurts so bad, and i feel like hes draining the life out of me, I dont think im so much sad that im going to leave him or hurt i mean it does hurt but i think i know its whats best for me and my mental health to get out while i can.
 
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An_240414 replied to An_241965's response:
Good- for sure look for a place. I read your post on the other board, and it sounds so much worse than this one. you need to leave this guy ASAP!!! You deserve so much more and you will be so much happier. What a perfect weekend to start your plans with him gone.
 
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An_241965 replied to An_240414's response:
Thats bc the boards are dead lately. So i posted on both. I know that deep down this is what i really want and in all honesty i kinda feel a relief thinking about it. Its sad that his own family, mom dad and sister beg me to leave him, his mom and i were talking last night and she looks at me and goes get out while you can, i know you feel trapped dont you. I just looked at her and told her i plan on it. His mother has been so good to me, she took me in and accepted she treats me as if im her own daughter and i love her dearly. I know he knows something is going bc he said last night that im not myself i said idk what you mean and hes like well u need to tell me i thinking when i do tell you something you say o or that sucks but if your having a bad day im supposed to sit there and be sympathetic and a shoulder to lean on but i cant get 5 mins,. the really sad thing is my grandmother passed away a year ago and during the funeral he kept saying can we leave yet i got bikes to work on. But my god when he wants to go look at something we can be there all day its not fair to me
 
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An_241965 replied to An_240414's response:
I also forgot to mention selfish me, that im sorry that your going threw the same thing that i am, its so nice to be able to talk to someone who knows how i feel!
 
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An_240414 replied to An_241965's response:
Oh its okay! you are not selfish, this is your thread! thanks though. and btw its totally fine that you posted on both boards, i was just saying I read it but responded on this one because I already had. Thats great that his family supports you too, and way sad too, for him. I am glad you are recognizing all this now though, while it still sucks, its a little easier to manage.

Are you going to tell him you are going to look for places or wait till he gets back? Or move while he is out of town...? I always think the hardest thing would be having to face him - thats something I struggle with everytime I imagine it....
 
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Anon_179659 responded:
I am so very sorry your going through this. It freaks me out because as I was reading your post everything you say as if it was coming out of my mouth, they way my relationship is going right now! I just want you to know you are not alone if you ever want someone to talk to I would be so willing to do so. I feel like no one wants to listen to my drama with my fiance no more but they just dont understand the connection I have with him and the love. However I know his mental abuse is NOT acceptable thats why I too want out. No one desrvers to be treated this way not me, not you, not anyone. I hope you have the strenght to do whats right for you. Best wishes for you I know its hard because im still stuck in the same spot and just cant walk out the front door....
 
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An_241965 replied to An_240414's response:
I think i would need to do it while he is gone i dont think i could say it to his face cuz then i know i wont leave. i plan on writing a note to him and leaving it on the bed with the ring he gave me. I dont plan on taking anything with me that he got me just what i came with.
 
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An_241965 replied to 3point14's response:
I was just re reading what you wrote me, and i love your advice, the sad thing is, and kinda funny but my best friend use to be his best friend she use to date one of my good friends so we all came from a group off friends thats how i met him. So sadly he knows where she lives. But tomorrow while he is out of town we will be going to look at a few apartments that we can afford and a house and he wont be getting the address to were we move. So im really sad cuz i do love him, but i cant be someone who always brings me down, they say you control the situation your in, if your unhappy leave. and im mad at myself for letting this go on for so long.
 
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whos2say replied to An_241965's response:
Hey! Just checking in with you...how did the weekend/ house hunting go?? Hope things are well with you.....
 
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An_241965 replied to whos2say's response:
Thank you for checking in, I went and looked at the house and i was kinda disapointed on the comuter it looked so pretty and nicely kept, but when my friend and i got there and looked around in side it was terrible so that was a let down, so we looked at a couple apartments and there was one that we really like its 3 bedroom and include everything and its $550 a month and its not a run down trashy neighborhood, and its close to mine and her's work so we'd only have to travel about 15 miles tops. So were going to make an appoitment with the guy too see if we can see it again, and the get paperwork going. I really felt like its a relief, right now im just playing the theres nothing wronge and buying my time basically, How was your weekend?


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