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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Cheating husband, how to deal.
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An_241873 posted:
Hi all,
I'm going to indulge only a little detail in this story since it hurts to bring up all of them. Some background first... My hubby and I have been married for a year and a half. Dated for 2 and a half years. We were each other's first sexual partner. This is something I hold in very high esteem, and was so happy and proud to be his only and vice versa.
Well.. turns out he almost violated that. He allowed a terrible friend to live temporarily with us. This person was a terrible influnce to a married man, mainly because he is a bachelor and previously married. (and a selfish jack hole) This person took him out drinking several times and two of the times things happened between my husband and a young woman. Two different women. The first was only a make out session. The second much much worse. But there was no sex. Soon as she left to get a condom my husband put his pants on and left. All the while this "friend" of his sat in the car and let things happen. Since then he confessed everything to me, kicked out his "friend," and has started to "try" to make things up to me. I find it hard everyday to wake up and realize that my wonderful husband did this. I was in complete shock for a week. My life has been nothing but cheating men. My dad, and my ex boyfriend, so trust in men has been scarce. My husband was the only man I ever completely trusted, and now that is gone. Im so hurt and am not sure how exactly to deal with it. Each day is different. Some I wake up in a good mood and want to spend time with him, and some days I dont want to see his face. Anyone have advice on how they made it work after an affair? Or any advice on how to deal with the up and down emotions? Any help would be great, but I dont want to hear anyone telling me to leave him. That is not my choice, but will be if he decided to EVER do this again, no matter what the actions are with the other person.
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
First, I want to tell you how truly sorry I am for what you've been through.

Now. In most cases I believe that infidelity is grounds for divorce. However, it seems that your husband had a huge reality check and started wondering why he was being so stupid. You need to be sure you do not place the blame on the friend, as your husband is a grown, married man, and the one who committed his life and repeated his vows to you. While the friend sounds like a dirtbag, this lies on your husband. Not the friend, not the other girls.

The friend didn't "let things happen". Your husband let those things happen. No one else. I know people who behave like the friend....but I make a conscious decision to NOT be like that. KWIM. We all make mistakes but I'm particularly concerned that you and your husband have been married such a short period of time and he's already done something like this..?

I've never had to work through an affair, so I don't have any advice as far as how to do that. I do know that this decision to stay in your marriage is YOUR decision, and none of us can tell you otherwise.
 
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An_241873 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Thanks for the input. I am scared about the short amount of time we had been married too. He has a porn addiction so I have told him that him and I are to go to counseling to help give him tools to combat the porn and also to help me learn to heal, trust, and get out of depression. Also to try to understand why. That's what I don't get, he has no idea why he did this. The only explanation is he felt good when she told him he was hot. Which I do weekly. I just don't get how someone can do this!!!!! ESP to someone they love and commit to.
 
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Anon_179659 responded:
Being someone who has been in your postion I feel for you 100%. Cheating is something no one should have to go through if two people truly love each other, however its not always the case.I understand your wanting to make it through it I too was the same way. I am still with my fiance but it is still hard from time to time. I think HE needs to do the work to make this better. HE needs to make sure you are confortable and be there for you to vent when you need to. Whatever he can do to make you feel better as far as your wandering mind he needs to do. As far as the up and down emotions on how you feel towards him its normal and cant be fixed. I would get so angry and want him to leave but then I would just want to hold him and have him tell me he loves me its very hard. People try to tell people to go to couciling and that might help you..I decided I didnt want to go so I handled are realtionship are own way. There are still times when he leaves I get nervous or if we are out and he is chatting with another female I get all worked up, (sigh) its really hard to pick up the peices but it can happen. I hope the best for the two of you if its real love it finds its way back to normal.
 
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An_241873 replied to Anon_179659's response:
He is doing a good job at proving everything to me, and showing me he wants this to work. It truly is one of the hardest obstacles I have ever tried to over come. I do really good some days and then I will just be angry and sad and thinking about it over and over again. I am glad he did not have sex but it is still such a betrayl. I hate it too because I want to be intimate with him but the second I start to think about trying to be with him again the image in my head pops up of him and that girl and I just get sickened. He is going to counciling for a porn addiction and I will go every once in a while to see how things are going and what strides are being made. Otherwise he is really willing to prove himself to me, and has made me feel slightly better about our future. He actually said since we have been married I have been the wife he has always needed, and he is sorry he has not been the husband he should have been all along, and that he was going to change that 100%. It's just, I'm so scared about staying only because... what if? what if it happens again? is all he saying now not true just things he thinks I want to hear? I told him if this happens again I cannot stay a second time, and he would lose me forever. He gets one chance to prove himself and redeem himself. I beleive that is the worst feeling from all of this.. the unknown and the what if's. Thanks for all the responses, they are very helpful to know I am not alone.
 
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MiriRose replied to An_241873's response:
Hi there ~ I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds like it's a very painful time for you. It's great to know that you're committed to your marriage, but at the same time, it's certainly understandable that you're having a hard time trusting your husband again.

I work at an organization called Focus on the Family, and they have some information on their website for couples that are facing circumstances similar to yours. You might want to check out some of their articles here . I pray that you experience security in your marriage, and that your husband will commit to the changes he is trying to make in his life. God bless you!
 
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IslandL replied to An_241873's response:
My suggestion is that you don't go with him to counseling "every once in awhile to see what strides he's making", but make counseling a priority for BOTH of you. That is you each have separate sessions with the counselor, as well as sessions together.

He needs to understand why he would jeopardize your relationship this way. You need to find a way to deal with the rollercoaster emotions you are experiencing and get back to a place of trust. I know you think this is HIS problem to work on, but if you want to stay in this marriage - and make it stronger - you need to see it as a joint effort.

I know how tough this is, best of luck in working things out.
 
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Jumper2011 replied to IslandL's response:
Absolutely agree. Counseling should be for both of you and not just him.

Best of luck in the future. Reading your initial post, it sounds as if he had a "coming to Jesus" moment when he left while the other girl was out of the room. This leads me to believe, he truly understands the severity of the situation and is willing to make things right. Trust is an easy thing to get but can be extremely difficult to get back if lost. Keep working on it, stay focused and work this out together.
 
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An_241873 replied to IslandL's response:
I just dont want to go to his sessions where he talks about the porn and any addictive behaviors, I really dont need that detail. Right now it has only been 3 weeks, so in my mind it is very hard to think about working "together" with him. I feel like that is helping him get himself out of this horrible hell hole that he made our marriage to be. It is his fault that we are where we are so why should I lift a finger. Sorry... I am having an angry day. I got our phone bill and finally got to see EVERY single text sent to this chick from him and it was so disheartening to see that there were a few times they talked that he never mentioned. My logical brain is telling me they were insignificant conversations and when he says he forgot he truly did forget, but the emotionally hurt brain wont trust a thing he says. You cannot get the actual messages though without a freakin subpena(sp?) now so I now need to choose to call up my lawyer for her to get the messages for me or let it go. It is concrete evidence that I think is detail I need to see to know that I know everything. I cant trust his word that he told me everything, and actually called him a liar today. It is a tough day today, not sure why but I am truly struggling to keep it together and not bite everyones head off. I appreciate the responses by everyone, just to know someone cares enough to respond is helping my self esteem, and helping me to realize that I am not garbage that can be treated this way, I am strong, precious, and special. (gotta try to say that everyday.. even the bad ones.) I just hope that all this anger and distrust can eventually go away and be healed. Right now the hill that it is looks like Mt. Everest.
 
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An_241873 replied to MiriRose's response:
Thanks for the info. I'll look into it. Right now bible reading is helping us too.
 
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An_241873 replied to Jumper2011's response:
I am still not sure he understands the severity of what he did though. Yeah he can see that it was a bad mistake, but as I have told him: When you break a vase it shatters into tons of pieces, but until you start to try to pick up the pieces and put it back together is when you truly understand the gravity of how shattered it is. That is what it is like right now. He has no idea the gravity and the amount of damage that he has done. He has many selfish moments saying that he is trying and that it is hard to face everything, and I told him he has no idea how hard it is because he doesnt have to wake up everyday remembering that his spouse chose someone else. He is willing but I need him to grow up and realize that he needs to think of me and our marriage before himself and his wants. Trust right now I dont even see possible again, but that is also because 1. I have never been through this, and 2. It has only been 3 weeks. Thanks for your response. Why do I need counseling? I did nothing wrong!
 
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IslandL replied to An_241873's response:
This exactly why YOU need counseling too An _24. The goal of counseling is to heal. You don't have to be in all sessions, he should have private ones. If you don't want to discuss the issues in your marriage in counseling, you are essentially sticking your head in the sand.
 
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Anon_179659 replied to An_241873's response:
I know how horrible it is to replay them images in your head. I haunted me for a long time until I learned that when I started to think of the horrible things I would brush them thoughts out of my head and think of something happy. It could be something my SO said to me when we first started dating or something completly randome that makes you smile. It dosnt work all the time but most the time it helps me get the subject off my mind quicker. I will agree with you all the way you DONT need couciling that crap. If you dont want to go then dont I didnt..yes its harder but you can heal yourself. Like you said you did nothing wrong so you shouldnt have to do the work. If he cheating because of you I would say do marrige counciling but because he said it was his own stupid selfish reasons then let him fix them. Only you can dedcide if you want counciling if you do yes it could help you deal with the situation. I was the exact same as you and know exactly where your coming from hold your head up! Keep in touch!
 
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An_241873 replied to Anon_179659's response:
Thanks, yeah I'm trying to keep my head held high and realize that he did this not me. That doesnt mean it is just him that needs to work on our relationship. I need to help too, I'm just not ready yet to jump back on the bike with him and keep riding. I'm scared and the only security I have right now is knowing that I can leave no strings attatched until we are intimate again. That is the only thing keeping me secure, not that I want to leave at all. Im just scared that once we are intimate again that he will go back to being selfish and make the mistake again. Also every time I think about being with him I want to be sick.. but I have been told that is normal and that it will go away. I do not want to go to counseling, I have a great family support group on both mine and his sides. I know I am strong enough to do this, I just have bad days when I'm sad, and thinking of positive things about him only works half the time. Some days I'm just so angry and others I'm understanding and willing to be 100% ready to work things out. I'm not on the fence about staying, but I'm also not ready to jump back in feet first. I have to go about this very slowly, since in my mind it was not only betrayal but rejection of me and our marriage. So it is going to take A LOT. Thanks for all the comments, I definitley need the helpful words. Le sigh....
 
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IslandL replied to Anon_179659's response:
I'm curious...why do you two anon's see counseling as a form of punishment? Are you afraid of what might come out in counseling?

Are you confident your husbands' would never cheat again? Do you feel having such confidence (in him) doesn't matter?


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