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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Signs for concern?
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An_245963 posted:
I have been dating a wonderful woman for close to 7 months now. We are both in our early 50's and divorced. In her case her divorce was 15 years ago. Over those 15 years she has dated a lot including one 5 year and one 6 year relationship. She has a demanding job in a school and so during the school year is very busy. She told me early on that most of her past relationships have ended because the man has wanted more of her time that she has to give.

After we met and dated for a bit she told me that she told a friend that she could "see marrying this guy." Later she started telling me what she liked in a wedding ring, talked about where we could live even looking a house listings, and talked about what we could do in retirement.

We seemed very close although she tends to be very reserved in her emotions expressing them best in texts and emails. Toward the end of the school year her life got extra hectic and reacted negatively when in an email I told her that she still took my breath away each time she opened the door when I went to pick her up for a date. To me that was just a nice compliment to say she always looks so nice and she does take my breath away but I wasn't trying to be over-the-top in that comment. That prompted her though to email me and say she was concerned as her feelings for me were not as strong and she worried there might be a mismatch. She wanted to slow things down and not do the daily phone calls, texts, and twice weekly dates. I said fine and respected that. Things went fine until a few weeks later I gave her a card for Mother's Day and once again she emailed me saying she thought we should quit dating as I needed someone who could love me to the extend I deserved and she couldn't kid herself into saying she loved me.

I responded to her concerns and she felt better and we kept dating and lately things seem to be getting better. Today though she emailed me and say I was "starting to do it again" mostly in Facebook for frequently "liking" and commenting on her posts. She said a friend said I appear to watch her posts like a hawk and seem a bit obsessive. She added that if I kept it up things would not work out between us. I wrote back and apologized and said I wasn't obsessive and just had a genuine interest in her life.

So she has a lot of boundaries. She said she likes the "occasional text and email" but if I pay her too much attention then she feels "suffocated." I love this woman to death but it's difficult because she has all these boundaries and if I cross them I hear about it. It's hard for me to know what's ok and what's not. I try hard to respect her wishes and always change as needed. My concern though is wondering if she will ever be comfortable getting into a more intimate relationship where you like the attention rather than feeling suffocated? I know she likes and cares for me but at times I think she wants an activities companion more than a love relationship. I know 7 months is not enough time to conclude anything. I just don't feel there is balance here. It's all about her needs, her boundaries, her schedule and I'm not sure she makes any allowances for me.

Anyone been in a relationship like this and have any advice? Push back? Give it more time?

Thanks
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goodguy82 responded:
I have been in this kind of relationship with a woman, long story short the more time I wanted from her the more "awkward" in her words things became. I was 5 months in to it when I said hey I have feelings for you, it was only then I knew she was looking for a companion not a boyfriend. My advice to you is to put your feelings out there tell her you really care deep for her, you will get your answer. As for me and her we talked about everything and came to a understanding, I have moved on and met new women. Me and her still see each other ever other week and still have a lot of fun, I now do not feel the same about her as I did in the past. I am now seeking and real relationship with other women its all always good to be as honest as you can from the start.
 
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relationshipdj replied to goodguy82's response:
This can get ugly mate. the thing is that women love attention and they need however too much of something can't be that good. People need time to breathe and especially in your case when there are third parties making remarks like he watched you too close on fb. Give her space to breathe, if you have too much time trying finding some thing to distract you so that you don't have to keep looking at your Facebook and feel the need to post.

In relationship people should feel as is they can saying things to their friends, with out having to worry about the significant other always reading and watching them.

For this type of situation you have to go for it, what's the worst that could happen? As mention by goodguy82, put your feelings out there.
 
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laconfidential replied to relationshipdj's response:
Thank you both. I have put my feelings out there in terms of what I want long-term and am not giving her space. Lately she has been surprisingly sweet and saying things about missing me and wanting to look at homes together and such. So we'll see. I have no problem with the Facebook thing. I'm not a big user of FB anyhow. The real question over time is can she want companionship enough to want to be married again and can we have enough of a relationship within her boundaries to satisfy me. Only time will tell.


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