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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
How long does it take
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Anon_34172 posted:
To stop being suspicious of a partner after trust has been broken? My DH and I are recovering from a separation and emotional affair that he had with a co-worker last year. We have been through counseling and committed to working on our marriage for almost a year and will have been living back together for a year in mid-September.

I know in a lot of ways things are as good as they were if not better, but whenever anything comes up in our relationship that is outside of the "norm" my immediate response, whether I express it to him or keep it to myself is suspicion. For example, he just told me that he is part of a special detail for his job this weekend that will change his schedule from 7am-7pm all three days to 10am-2am on Friday, 2pm-2am on Saturday, and 11am-7pm on Sunday.

In my rational mind that understands his job and looks at the past year of our recovery and the fact that he has given me no reason not to trust him in our journey back from what happened, I believe him. But my instant reaction before I can "reason" with myself, is asking a million questions in my mind about if this is really a ploy to be out late and not make me wonder, if he is being honest, and who he will be with while he is out at these different hours.

I guess my questions are whether this is a normal reaction and if anyone knows how long it will go on? Like I said, we are coming up on a year's time since we started diligently working to repai our marriage and a little over a year and a half since the emotional affair he was having began tearing our lives apart. Thanks so much for your input.
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longduckdong46 responded:
I do understand the doubts that the past turmoil has brought front and center in your mind. I would feel the same way.
You want to follow your " rational " mind, and place the trust that has been gained within the past year.
So I have to ask during this recovery phase has there ever been moments when he was away that suspicions got the best of you , and if so how did you cope ?
I do not know the nature of his business but is it possible to make phone contact with him at these job sites during those working hours ? Perhaps that would be one way for you to put your mind at rest ?
However, I suspect he may feel like he's on the defensive if indeed you were calling him , and needed reassurances.
You know him best and can probably predict his response, but on the other hand it may just be the best way to cure the suspicion?
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.
 
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gardensparrow responded:
Hi there~
Well, I think you're definitely not alone in struggling to rebuild trust after an affair-whether emotional or physical. And, it certainly doesn't happen overnight. But, I do think it can be done and you're on the right track by going through counseling and getting some outside help. So, I wondered if you've brought this topic up with the counselor you saw? I'm sure they'd have some insight to offer you on how long this process can take-although I'm sure it's different for every couple. Also, I work at Focus on the Family and I've heard from other spouses in your shoes who have brought up similar questions and frustrations. And, I thought some of the advice offered in an article here and here was helpful in addressing this issue. So, might be worth reading over if you have a moment. Well, I'll be praying that you and your husband can continue to rebuild and strengthen your marriage!
 
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An_241873 replied to gardensparrow's response:
I'll let you know in a year or more. It has been 2 months since my husband's affair and needless to say I struggle everyday still with the horrible thoughts like.. "wow I cant believe he has done this to me." hang in there.. we have a tough road ahead. My step mom told me it took her 3 years to stop questioning my dad.. so to each his own but it can take many years from what I have been told.


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