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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
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queston posted:
About 7:00 tonight, we're finishing dinner. Daughter is at work until 9:00. Foster Daughter announces that she's going to the Batman movie with the girl across the street. She tries to get my youngest son to go with them.

My wife and I both encourage him, because he needs to get out more this summer, and for the other obvious reason--we'd have the house to ourselves for a couple hours on Friday night if he went.

Well, he didn't go, and it turns out that what I thought was obvious wasn't so obvious. I mentioned to her that our older son had been better at reading clues at that age--he would have actually caught on that going would have left us alone and been likely to have gone for that reason. She says, "Oh, I didn't even think about that. It wasn't even on my radar."

That's certainly what every man wants to hear from his wife. It's not just a sex thing: I swear any kind of romance or husband/wife companionship just isn't on her radar. Ever. She actually mentioned something about the possibility of sex tonight when we were getting dressed this morning, but for her, sex is just a quickie at bed time that you get over with. The actual romance part is, well, not on her radar.

We went away for the weekend a few weeks ago, for our 25th anniversary. (This is something we've probably done 3 times in 25 years, so kindof a big deal.) She chuckles as we're unpacking in the room, "Oh, I guess I forgot to bring anything sexy to wear. Sorry."

I know it seems like a very small thing, but who packs for a (very rare) weekend away with their spouse for their anniversary and it doesn't occur to them that they might want to be prepared for romance and sex? (And she knows that I love it when she wears lingerie, which she very rarely does.)

We took separate vacations last week (I went backpacking with two of the kids, and she doesn't backpack)--we all got home Sunday. It's been a busy work week for us both, so we've really spent very little quality time together in the last two weeks. Something that does not seem to concern her at all.

In a lot of ways we are doing much, much better. We're pretty-much on the same page as far as parenting, and she's not undermining me the way she had been. But I swear I don't have a romantic partner. I have a roommate who occasionally "allows" me to use her vagina instead of my hand. That's very frustrating.
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3point14 responded:
Imagine this was something you were reading, not writing.

What advice would you give, question?

I'm sorry, man. You have my hugest sympathy, but like, you know how she is now. For how long are you going to keep letting yourself get let down by her this way? What's keeping you there?
 
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queston replied to 3point14's response:
What's keeping me here is that I love her, we have a family together, and we had about 20 very good years of marriage before the current run, so I don't think it's unrealistic to think things can get better.

The weekend started poorly but actually got a lot better, so I'm feeling better about things now than when I posted the OP Friday night. We even had good sex this morning before work. She's quite a mystery, I'll give her that much.
 
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3point14 replied to queston's response:
I didn't mean to be harsh, it just seems like in the past two years since I've been posting here, you've been on the brink of divorce and emasculated consistently. I just read the line that she feels like a roomate who lets you use her vagina, and that doesn't sound like love to me. I'm sorry.

I'm not saying that I think your issues are insurmountable, only just that it seems like for every step forward you take some back, too. I honestly just do not understand how you can be with someone who seems to give not one crap about your needs. For your relationship to get better, I think she's going to need to make some huge fundamental changes to how she treats you, and she seems unwilling or unable to do so.

And when I asked for how long you were going to let her let you down, I also meant to ask what you could do to distance yourself from the ache of it. Maybe schedule a time with her to discuss your sex life, so if you're going to be disappointed you'll at least not have it just kinda thrown at you? Her behavior sounds rough, but a lot of it seems to be too that she'll just randomly reject you. I'm not saying feeling turned down ever feels good, but maybe if you know what you're in for it'll suck less?

I'm glad things are better at least. Glad you got laid! Makes such a difference, huh? I hope things get more even for you.
 
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queston replied to 3point14's response:
I understand. Keep in mind that I, like many other posters, use this forum to vent frequently, and therefore tend to post during the worst times and when I'm feeling the lowest about it. If things were always that bad I'm sure I would have given up by now.

(The following is kindof graphic and may be TMI for some people.)

My biggest frustration, sexually, is that she seems to hold herself back, as if (and this is a very ego-centric interpretation) she doesn't want me to have the satisfaction of giving her an orgasm or making the experience generally satisfying for her. To me it was like she was "just doing it for me," but then denying me the number one thing that makes sex good for me, which is knowing that it's also good for her.

Anyway, that has gotten a lot better. We're not having as much sex as I'd like, but we're having better sex. This morning, something I think is really significant happened. Her alarm had just gone off, and I was trying to get something started--kissing her back and shoulders, and then eventually her breasts and stomach. When she was ready, she actually pushed my shoulders down and opened her legs for me. It was so nice to feel like I had been invited into the "holy of holies" rather than like a pest trying to pry his way in.

About the romance part, I'm hoping that will come around. She's very stressed at work--she seems to have lost most of her ability to cope with normal day-to-day stress. I wish she'd consider seeing someone about that, but she seems completely uninterested. I think she has trouble relaxing (except maybe reading).
 
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3point14 replied to queston's response:
Well, that's exactly it too. On my side of the computer screen I only really see the times that aren't so good. I'd honestly assumed that things had just gotten really bad again. (and I am very glad to be incorrect about that!!)

The quality of sex is key, and I'm glad for your sake you didn't feel like a pest. I hope the romance comes around for you too, hopefully either her stress levels will normal out or she'll have a change of heart about therapy.


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