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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Sex as a Hostage Negotiation
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An_246717 posted:
I'm at a frustrated standstill. My husband is satisfied with our current lackluster sexual routine but I'm not. When initiating sex I stop and ask him to do something new. He ignores what I say and still tries his way. When I stop all together, upset because he clearly ignores me, he says I'm using sex as a hostage negotiation.

Basically what I want is for him to change it up a bit. I want him to WANT to impress me. But he is so wrapped up in his own world, he makes me feel like I'm nagging and that I just want to fuss.

Can someone give me a little advice? I'm really tired of being the creative and romantic one in the relationship.
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queston responded:
Maybe you need to try having this negotiation a little sooner, before he's all wrapped up in the heat of the moment.

Have you tried talking about this outside of the bedroom, when nothing sexual is happening? Explain to him what you need that you're not getting. Be as positive as possible: "It sends me into orbit when you do x" is much better than "I wish you wouldn't do y."

Then, a day or two later, maybe you surprise him by coming into the living room in his favorite sexy outfit or whatever does it for him. Rub up to him a little, or kiss his neck, or whatever works, and the say "I really want you to do x to me tonight." Be specific--spouses are not mind readers. This way, if he responds to your initiation, he is implicitly agreeing while there's still some blood flow to his brain.

And especially important--if he makes a good effort at what you have asked for, don't critique at all the first couple times. Go out of your way to demonstrate how much you enjoy it. (I'm not saying fake it, just be as demonstrative as possible within reality.) There's almost nothing that will encourage a man more than the feeling he gets when he knows his wife is really into it.

The fact is, in virtually every relationship, there is one partner who feels like they carry the burden of being the creative and romantic one in the relationship.


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