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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Husband sexual desire..
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An_245516 posted:
I am 34 now & have been married for like 16 yrs and dated my husband since sch days. I always tries to update our sex life and try to understand more of my husband needs.But it had been a yrs now that I know my husband another sex experience is to have it with other woman or wanted me to have sex with another guy or threesome..I found it is hard for me to follow his need & I might be open minded woman but having another person in our sex life is just totally unacceptable & of course I do unederstand the consequences that might come once I give in.i never had sex with another man except for my husband but I do imagine dirty things but when he really want me to get involved with another man,it was just too much risk...I love my husband,trying to fulfill his sexual desire but when he mentioned his imagination & would like to make it come true,I just felt so cold,so much hatred.i couldn't say my thought to him coz I was the one who asked him & tries for so many yrs to explore his sexual needs & he was not the type of man who tells his needs (even if he comes, he won't just let out the groaning sounds type of man & I am trying to get him to do that do,quite success a few times...)pls advise or do ask if u don't understand what I wrote as I,myself are confused too on how to say what I had in mind...
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Ferry_j responded:
Actually, that is most men's fantasy and it is a normal behavior. My boyfriend always wanted to see me having sex with another women. I know how you feel and I can relate to my own situation. The risk is very high. You did nothing wrong by asking his inner feeling and desire. Then you will know how to deal with it. To bring somebody else to your marriage has a big risk. Not only for him but also for you. You might enjoy this person better than your own husband. Beside, when is it going to stop or is it going to be an open marriage? Are you also going to watch him having sex with another women too???? I have heard men asking the same question but doesn't push it to the end like your husband. The problem is if he is that curious, he would get it if not today but any time in the future. If not from you, from any one who would do it for him. So the best bet is to sit and talk to him and make him understand your fear of losing him or may be the whole marriage... Everything will change from there
 
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fcl responded:
Never, EVER do this unless you really want to. It is not something to do to solely to please your husband. Just tell him that. You do not need to justify your feelings.

Having said that, I am not against threesomes but, as I said, both partners have to be totally into the idea of it. It is not a small step for a couple to take.

Good luck.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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RegineWong replied to fcl's response:
I am really really feeling so confused and sad...thanks for being a listener..I just don't know how to bring it up to Him as I was the one whom asked him his fantasy..but,yes I an very selfish from the inside..thinking of being with another man or woman either with me or for him makes me wanna pukes.,,so so so sad...
 
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RegineWong replied to Ferry_j's response:
I am really really feeling so confused and sad...thanks for being a listener..I just don't know how to bring it up to Him as I was the one whom asked him his fantasy..but,yes I an very selfish from the inside..thinking of being with another man or woman either with me or for him makes me wanna pukes.,,so so so sad...I assumed it won't be the only time if we started our 1st time...I do think my husband is an idiot whom care less but his sexual desire..most of the time he is watching this sex video on his hand phone and when he asked me to join in,his attention is fully on the screen...it is just such a big turn off..but I said nothing coz I know it would hurt his ego...honestly,I am really confused and hate myself..I was the one whom started this man dream and when he open up,he asked more than I can give..I am speechless ...
 
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queston replied to RegineWong's response:
You're not selfish, and you should stop beating yourself up. What you should tell him, IMHO, is what you've written here: you want to be a good lover to him and have a mutually fulfilling sex life. You want to know about his fantasies and indulge them if you can, but this is a place that you simply cannot go. End of story.
 
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fcl replied to queston's response:
"but I said nothing coz I know it would hurt his ego"

I think it's time you put your situation into perspective. There is nothing wrong with you. You asked about his fantasies but that doesn't mean you have to fulfill them. OTOH, his behaviour is unforgivable - he expects you to have sex with him while he's watching porn on his phone? How incredibly flattering of him. NOT! Like you said, he only cares about sex for him. How about making your needs clear? Your ego is not only hurt, it's crushed and trampled on ... Does he care? Well, it's time he did. Tell him exactly what you said here that he asked more than you can give.

Sounds like you're the only one in this relationship who is making a conscious effort to keep the spark alive ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_245516 replied to fcl's response:
I would give my life for him if u asked me....I would give the same advice to plp who asked me the question I asked.. how funny it was when It comes to me,I really really feel it was the hardest words I was going to say...by telling him how I feel,I doubt he will understand.he loves me,there is no doubt about it...i talked ir should i say critic him long time ago about something not as serious as the video watching(I, don't remember what..lolxxx) that affected our sex life for quite sometimes..I certainly sure he is dying to feel what was it felt like to be with another woman( as far as I know,I was his 1st..) and I am really can't help thinking of strangle him...sad, am l?i don't mean being stubborn for not understanding ur advice,but I found it is really really hard to say it out loud to him... U,are great,for being here for me...I appreciate it..really...
 
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An_245516 replied to queston's response:
I was replying to another respond this :-

I would give my life for him if u asked me....I would give the same advice to plp who asked me the question I asked.. how funny it was when It comes to me,I really really feel it was the hardest words I was going to say...by telling him how I feel,I doubt he will understand.he loves me,there is no doubt about it...i talked ir should i say critic him long time ago about something not as serious as the video watching(I, don't remember what..lolxxx) that affected our sex life for quite sometimes..I certainly sure he is dying to feel what was it felt like to be with another woman( as far as I know,I was his 1st..) and I am really can't help thinking of strangle him...sad, am l?i don't mean being stubborn for not understanding ur advice,but I found it is really really hard to say it out loud to him... U,are great,for being here for me...I appreciate it..really...

But then I remember that I used to tell him my fears of being in threesome or partner changing but he assure me nothing gonna change after that..but,that didn't help me from feeling down...I doubt his words..once we did what he wants,I guess that is the end of the story..I loved imagined other man with me but to be in real life,I wouldn't let even a stranger fingers on me!!damn..am I to be blame just for trying being perfect wife?
 
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Ferry_j replied to An_245516's response:
My dear, don't mean to judge you but have you ever thought about your worthiness? There is an issue of self respect and confidence that you should look in to. I know you love him and you would do anything to keep your man happy. You might be feeling that you would lose him if you don't cooperate to fulfill his sexual desire. That is not the way to go. You know what to advice others but got confused when it comes to your own problems. Men like challenges. They like women who is firm and strong mentally and physically. You are thinking like a mother. Pure and unconditional love. The fact that he is watching his phone screen while he is having sex with you: Trust me, in his mind he is having sex with the person on the screen while he is using your physical body. That is called imagination game. Please have some time for yourself and ask if it is wroth being treated that way. He loves himself so much that he doesn't even care about his action and what it is doing to you. Then where is the marriage? By asking his sexual desire you have not done anything wrong. He never told you about it before because he didn't not know how you would react to it. But once you are aware of it, your reaction was a green light for him to do as he pleases. You gave his pleasure a priority than your own happiness. So you did't want to show your true feeling against the thought of having sex with another man so he is taking you for granted. Actually, there might be more of his crazy thoughts of his sexual fantasies. It will never stop. It will continue depending on how your reactions are. It might not be late to put a stop on this. we don't do things just because we can. We should have a guard even to our inner feelings. To have sex with another man you don't need his permission or he doesn't have to be there to watch you. You can have another man who appreciate the devotion you have for him and for him only. Some one who would feel uncomfortable even if someone who see you with that eye, let alone to sleep with you. Someone who wants you only for himself and him only for you. Someone who knows what is hurting you and making you laugh. .... think my dear. That is called love and marriage. Someone who has a fear of God. What is the background of your husband. Nothing comes out of nothing. There has to be some kind of link to it from the past. How was the relationship between his parents??? How was your background. I am sure you were raised by wonderful traditional parents who were devoted for each other or if you were raised by a single parents, you were raised with different values than his. May be you are dealing with something bigger than what it is. Do you think then you can make him understand your values which is a whole issue of a life time??? You need to pray my dear and be strong. You are not wrong so stop blaming yourself for having decent thoughts and for having values. Either he control his fantasies and replace them with your love and commitment that are essential for the marriage or it will be over soon. Best of luck....
 
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sherilorene69 replied to Ferry_j's response:
I completely understand this as well. I've been married for over ten years, and for the past three of them, every single time my husband had sex, he had to fantasize about him watching me with another woman...I've told him repeatedly how much it hurts me that he HAS to think of that in order to orgasm with me, but it continues to this day. I enable it, tho, by succumbing (sp?) and letting it happen sometimes. Other times I tell him it turns me off, but he doesn't seem to get it, or care, or both. We are now taking divorce, which kills me. I don't understand why I'm not enough for him....makes me think he needs or wants someone else. I don't think it's really about the fantasy of him watching me with another woman. I think it's a fantasy that he wants to cheat, and is using this as a cover, trying to get me to think I want it too... It sucks. And it hurts alot. Guess I could use some advice too...
 
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stevesmw replied to sherilorene69's response:
My definition of having sex is different than my definition of making love. To me making love is where each partner gets a lot of satisfaction about pleasing their partner. He should be focusing on making you feel good rather than his sexual satisfaction. There must be something you can do that makes him feel good other than involving another person or feeding his fantasies. If he is interested in pleasing himself he can watch whatever porn that turns him on and masturbate.

We always don't get what we want. I have a very high sex drive and a wife who is fantastic in bed. I can't even fantacize better sex. Unfortunately my wife has PTSD and lovemaking can be months or years apart. We have a a very loving relationship.
 
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maninae replied to Ferry_j's response:
No one could of put it better than you! I am going thru the same with my husband only I told him if he ever brings this subject of threesome to my bedroom again he will be out!
I also told him if I was going to have an affair it wont be with him wathching me! Be strong men will try to push dirty things to the bedroom as long as you allowe it. I felt if he wanted another person in my bedroom that is clearly about wanting to cheat on me but with my concent. Its very selfish and unrespectfull. I am not sure if we will last after this its very
hard to forget or think he loves me when he askes to have sex with others its simply getting permission to cheat. Honestly its not you he is the sick one he needs help. I totaly agree that god needs to be in his life. Why be married if he wants a third party. Many couples are doing it but that doesnt mean you have to loose self respect and let him disrespect you! Be Strong!
 
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maninae replied to sherilorene69's response:
Right that is what I thought. Its an excuse to allow him to cheat! It is very sad but I am now thinking to let him go and do all the cheating he wants to see what he is missing. 0 Honestly is he doesn't realize he maid a mistake than he was never worth it. I been married for 23 years and my husband is 50 he has cheated on me many times and I forgave him because I wanted to keep the family together. He says he loves me and doesnt want to leave but now I want him to leave because I cant continue knowing my husband is thinking of being with another women while I make love to him. Enough is enough! what happended to self respect? why did we get married? sometimes we have to let go to let them realize whats out there and appriciate you.


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