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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Back there again...
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queston posted:
After a couple nice days two weekends ago, we're back to that no-romance place again.

My wife almost visibly bristles when I touch her in a husband/wife sort of way (I don't mean sexually--I mean like touching her leg when we're on the couch, etc...)

Last Friday night, we found ourselves in the rare situation of being home alone for a couple hours. We had squabbled that morning over something. I asked if she wanted to eat the ice cream I had bought that day. She says "before or after we have sex?" (That's her version of romance.) I was tempted to say no, but I never actually do. So we had the most perfunctory sex ever. Ugh.

This morning, she left for work without saying goodbye. It just feels like she's (barely) going through the motions. I texted her asking what was up with her leaving without saying goodbye. "I got distracted. Sorry."
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Maybe you need to learn to say No. Quit reinforcing to her that she has that power over you. So what if she does.. she doesn't need to be on such a high horse about it.

You could've used that as an opening for conversation about sex. Let her know how wonderful it felt when she was receptive to you the other weekend and then ask questions about what's going on in her head and speak your mind.

Remember, opening up a conversation with a compliment breaks down the defensiveness the other person may have about the conversation. Plus saying 'no' to her should get her attention to some extent, just keep talking before she walks away! Lol. You don't even have to say 'no' per se, but don't be so quick to say 'yes' maybe?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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queston replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Yes, that all makes perfect sense to the "big head."
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to queston's response:
Lol, this is why women rule the world
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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queston replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Unquestionably.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to queston's response:
Here's how you need to look at it though: you want immediate gratification or long term consistent gratification.

To put it cruelly, I'm trying to tell you how to flip the coin and train her to respond to you instead of always the other way around.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to queston's response:
Here's how you need to look at it though: you want immediate gratification or long term consistent gratification.

To put it cruelly, I'm trying to tell you how to flip the coin and train her to respond to you instead of always the other way around.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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fcl replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I agree.

From what you write, she often sends you barbed messages about sex ... defuse them. Play hard to get. Find other things to do.

She says "before or after we have sex?"

"No, honey, instead of sex ..." and walk away.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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kristinmarie722 replied to fcl's response:
AH I love your response FCL and I agree!
 
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kristinmarie722 responded:
Oh and to add something else.

Sometimes I have "bad behavior" in my relationship with SO. I will act bratty, play hard to get, be rude, etc. Just playing games for whatever reason; I am mad at him, I am PMSing it, whatever. But until I realize I am being stupid and immature or until he stops me from that behavior sometimes I keep doing it.
But most times he will step in and stop me from this behavior. So basically he will put his foot down, call me out on my bs, and basically stop feeding into it.

This is what you need to do. Take back some of that control. Stop whininng and start doing.
 
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queston replied to kristinmarie722's response:
I do call her out. Unfortunately, it usually leads to a big blow up when I do.
 
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queston replied to fcl's response:
LOL, FCL.

Many of my male friends have agreed that our wives have way too much power over us when it comes to sex. Perhaps it is simply inescapable, I don't know.
 
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queston replied to queston's response:
Another huge blowup.

Yesterday morning, after she left without saying goodbye, I texted her wondering why she did that. I noted that she seemed to be going through the motions, and asked her to tell me what was going on with her "sometime soon." (This was obviously not a conversation we were going to have via text while working, but I didn't want to wait the whole day to note her cold behavior.)

She never followed up on my question or acknowledged in any way. After giving her a day and a half to do so, I asked her about it today. This, of course, led to a huge blowup.

She thinks she did nothing wrong by ignoring my question. It's all just hormones, and I need to deal with it. I'm the bad guy for expecting her to treat me decently.

Jeebus.


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