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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
How to help my fiance
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kat5659 posted:
About two weeks ago, I did the thing I regret most in my life. I cheated on my fiance. It was just kissing. But a lot of intense kissing. I barely remember this, as I was heavily intoxicated. My fiance and I are living 2 hours apart currently, which is partially why I think it may have happened. The other "man" A is a co-worker, who I had always found physically attractive and "nice", but I didn't think he took our "work-flirt" relationship seriously. I know on some level I knew what I was doing; I was having a party when A started texting me, and I invited him over knowing that I found him attractive and that I was lonely. But, honestly I am not used to attention from the opposite sex so I didn't really think anything would come of it. And I certainly didn't want anything physical to come of it.
Long story shortened, I told my fiance the following morning and drove to him the evening after that to talk. He is a little angry. Mostly because he and I had been texting about how much we loved eachother that night. He kept checking in on me as he was leery about A coming over. Also, our relationship started when I cheated on my ex with him. This situation is vastly different, however, because I already was in the beginning stages of love with my fiance when things happened. He said he forgave me, but recently took his forgiveness back. He needs more time. I guess I was just wondering what I should do to help him learn to trust and forgive me. He still loves me, still wants to marry me, still wants to be with me, and honestly has taken things quite well. I just want to know how to help him feel better. I will feel guilt forever, I know. That's a part of who I am. I just don't want to push him away by trying too hard to make him trust me again. For now I just tell him I love him a lot and am not drinking in "mixed company" when he is not around as per his request ( which I think is totally fair). But is there more I could do?
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queston responded:
There's really not much more you can do, other than give him time and space to be angry, and show him that you have made changes that will prevent this from happening again, and rebuild his trust.

Are you having a religious wedding? If so, perhaps the clergyperson involved could help him and/or the two of you work through this. Or, if not, you might consider seeing a counselor.

I would say, mostly, don't pressure him. It's going to take some time for him to deal with this.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to queston's response:
Definitely leave it alone. The only way to earn trust is to consistently be trustworthy over time. Do that. Being a man, he most likely is telling you exactly what he wants from you. Don't try to read more into it. Just be thankful he's being this wonderful to you. He deserves time.

And use this as a learning experience of how bad you feel now that you won't do something that stupid again.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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kat5659 replied to queston's response:
We are not religious, therefor are not having a religious ceremony...additionally we will not be getting married for a few years yet...need to get more settled first. I would be ok with him coming to therapy with me or going alone....I've considered asking him to go with me in the past over some other issues. He has seen counselors before for his own issues, but I don't know how interested he would be in going back.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't told him. I feel like by telling him I was partially unburdening myself. He didn't and doesn't deserve the pain of knowing. My mother even told me not to say anything. I just know that I would want to know...and I don't want secrets from him.
 
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queston replied to kat5659's response:
To be honest, I think your mom was probably right. Unless it was the kind of situation where lots of people knew about what happened and he was bound to find out anyway, I'm not sure what was gained by telling him, other than soothing your own conscience.

That seems like a very long engagement--to each their own, I guess.
 
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3point14 responded:
I'd be more concerned about the impulse that has you "intoxicated" and lonely and getting people you're attracted to to come over rather than how your boyfriend's dealing with this, to be honest. This is relatively minor, and seemed unserious on all parts by you and the guy you were making out with, but being that level of "intoxicated" and lonely as you're texting your fiancee about how much you love him would be a huge red flag to me.

For how long are you two planning on being apart? How far is your distance?

Also, in my opinion blaming it on the "intoxicants" is pretty weak sauce, you know? It's not like the substances called this guy up, that was YOU. Look more at how you're feeling, the lonliness and need for affection, and really analyze how this is being dealt with in your relationship. You need to take ownership of your actions, to prevent them in the future and to keep yourself emotionally honest.

And if you didn't want anything physical to come of it, why did you have the attractive person over anyway? I'm going to say that approximately 100% of men would assume you wanted to get physical when you were (assumedly) continuing what you describe as "work-flirt" behavior in an intoxicated state inviting him over. It's a sketchy action that almost always leads to sketchy situations. Keep your eyes open more, and even if you're not used to male attention, be on the look out more. Not to lecture you, but just encouraging you to be vigilant.

It sounds as though your boyfriend is legitimately not seeing this as a big deal and has told you what to do to help him get past it...so just do that! You're fortunate to have someone so understanding, and I'd honestly just stop beating yourself up for it. He's willing to move past it, and you need to be too. Best of luck to the both of you, and I wish you a happier rest-of-the-engagement!


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