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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
All my life I have been attempting to become a woman who doesn't need a man but wants to be with one. I feel that If I'm able to meet all my needs myself then this will show a man that I will be with him because I want to be with him in a sincere way and not for convinience. My thought about being in a relationship is for the mere expereince of sharing my life with someone not to have his economic support or protection. Is this the wrong way to think?
I come up with this question because recently I have read a book that says that men feel love differently and that they just want to be with a woman who needs them to profess, provide and protect. I will like to hear opinions from MEN in this discussion board if possible.
I will like to know if I'm wrong in my thinking, if men do not really value women independence.
Yes, there are men who value their woman's independence. No, not all men feel that their role in life is to be a protector and provider. There are all types out there. You just haven't found yours yet.
I always made it clear from the very first date (and sometimes before) that I am my own woman. That's how I came to be with a man who is happy with me for who I am and not for what I want.
I'm actually surprised that the "woman seeks man to take care of her because she can't do it on her own" type of thinking still exists in this day and age ... yet that is what you seem to be saying.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
First off there is nothing wrong with wanting to be indepenent and self sufficient. Times have changed a great deal from the 40s and 50s to today. To be honest I for one find it very attractive if a woman is independent. It shows drive and dedication to success and if you want to start a family, both parents need to have that drive to make it all work. As you stated you want to be able to support yourself, especially in the off chance that god forbid something happens to your spouse, illness etc. and you need to pick up the financial slack. If you already have an established career the burdon will be greatly reduced. So kudos to you.
As for your question, you could ask 100 different men and get 100 different answers and im sure the same holds true for women as well. Each person is unique in their wants and desires in a mate. For me personally, i am sad to say, that i am still sorting out what i really want/need in a partner. But i know what love means to me. Complete honesty, what happened in the past should not effect a current relationship, we all have regrets and skeletons in our lives, the most important thing is to learn from those mistakes and grown from them. Someone who is affectionate, sometimes a hug can turn your day around. Seperation of our lives...what i mean is that we had friends before the relationship began and just because we are in a relationship doesnt mean we need to forget the people who brought us to where we are in our lives. A guys weekend or girls weekend is a much needed break, remember absence makes the heart grow fonder. if you cant let your spouse or SO go out of town or out on the town with his friends, it shows a trust issue which is huge. Obviously trust doesnt develop overnight, it is earned. But once your there, you should be able to bring your worlds together and coexist. This next one is going to sound super cheesy but to me it is important...quick communication. So many times in the past i have sent a text to my gf and it has taken days to respond...DAYS! i know people are busy and i get that, but if we are in a relationship, id hope to hear a response in the same day. thats more of a pet peeve than anything. The whole point of love to me, is finding that right person that you can share your life with. We both made it this far in life on our own and we should be able to proceed on our own if it doesnt work out. Hence why i find independence so admirable. Two great lives should come together to form and amazing partnership, upon which only the sky is the limit. You should support your spouse in their dreams and wants...obviously certain things may be a little out ther, but hey humor me But you also should be able to keep each other grounded with your sights set on future goals; family, financial, retirement, etc. And if we are going to disagree which we will...fight it out...solve the issue before it festers and lead to resentment. Your fighting for what you believe is right and the first thing for a successful relationship is compromise. So find a way to make both sides happy and if one makes a bigger concession than the other, you own them one.
Thank you for your reply. The babel makes total sense. I'm glad to have a male's opinion. I feel I know what I want in a partner but become doubtful when I don't find ppl who share the same way of thinking. Makes me think that I'm not being realistic and I should "settle" action that I strongly despise. I have learned several lessons along the way and I'm always looking for ways to clarify my thoughts and know myself better. What I haven't done well is gather information about the other person and actually evaluate compatability and take the important step of commitment. I keep working on myself though. So many obstacles out of my control do not allow me to have the career I want to feel happy and complete. I keep trying but I don't feel as confident as if I had that career. Ppl tell me this should not affect starting/keeping/ continuing a relationship but I can't help it and that insecurity always comes up to the surface. For the moment I will not attempt to date until I either feel I'm on track with the career I want or learn to put that aside and conquer such insecurity.
The reaso for being independent is what you mention above but also to fall back on my own in case relationship does not work out. I see so many women traped in a crappy marriage because they have no way leaving and supporting themselves. That's another reason to keep your friendships going. Plus as you say it enhances the relationship by not putting so much pressure on each other.
I agree, you should never settle into anything, you are a very smart and driven woman and you want a successful career. Why shouldnt the same hold true for your personal relationships? I am glad to hear that you have learned from past mistakes, many people have not...me included. I dont know if you date at all, from what I am reading, it sounds like your not. If thats the case its hard to gather any type of information about someone. If i was interested in you for example, id really appreciate the up front information that you are really career driven and that you dont want to rush into anything. That you would feel comfortable taking things slowly and see where things go over time. By doing that you get your expectations out into the open and if he is not willing to go that route, you dont waste any more of your time, or his. As for evaluating compatability, that takes time, the first few dates nerves are playing a role and crazy things may happen(spills, stumbles, etc). Have you consider trying online dating? They take your likes and dislikes and try to match you with people who are compatible...could be worth a shot.
You refered to road blocks that are out of your control, that are keeping you from the career you want. We all have obstacles we need to over come and often times its a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse that can be the most supportive of your dreams. They can keep you on task and help push you to be the best you can be. Are you currently employed? I am working a job that i do enjoy, but yet it is not my ideal career. I am not embarassed by my job, but it can effect my confidence, so i know what you mean. But not for a moment do i think that my job has any influence on who i date or who may find me attractive. If someone is going to judge you for your profession, they dont deserve your time, period! But unfortunately, we have a way of convincing ourselves that the reason that person left or didnt call was because of our job...or what ever our biggest insecurity is. The mind is a very very strong thing and if we let it get out of control, we have a long battle to reclaim ourselves. I urge you to try and get out there and date, you will meet all types and you will waste your time on occasion. But you will develop a keen sense for what you want out of a man, the same as you have done for your chosen career. And never stop working on you, your all you got and no one can take that away
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