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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
When is it enough time to actually start life...?
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Blinkybeaker93 posted:
My name is Victoria I am 19 years old and i fear i suffer from a starting stage of depression. Lately ive been in a slump because its passed by boyfriend and I's 5th anniversary. Believe me we are extremely happy, but i fear we arent sexual healthy. As the years have passed I was hoping for an engagement ring.. instead i got Lingerie. Which was nice but it wasnt what i was hoping for as a 5 year anniversary present.

I feel like the relationship we were both in, we had like the same goals in regaurds to marriage and family. I want to start a family and get married. I just no longer feel like it will happen.. Ive had jealousy towards my friends who are engaged and are having a life..

I dont want to lose my best friend but at the same time i dont want to feel like im being taken for a ride.. exuse the pun. I know he means well but i just know how to handle all these emotions.. please help..
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3point14 responded:
You're both still extremely young.


Why do you feel your relationship isn't sexually healthy? Does your boyfriend know that you want a marriage and family soon, or just that you eventually do?

I can tell ya, the jealousy you have for your friends in the fun "I'm getting married!!" stage will pass as they get into the much more mundane "I'm married!" stage. It's easy to be envious when a woman is planning for what, in American society is "Her" day, but the reality of marriage is far more difficult and arduous. It takes a strong relationship to make a marriage work, and two strong individuals. I'm not trying to be a condescending jerk when I say it's a rare 19 year old who has the skills to make a marriage work. Make sure you and he are both on the same page about the pace you want your life to take, and make sure your motives aren't other peoples lives and instead what you think would be best for you.

As someone who's 24 and has been engaged 8 times, I can tell you that I'm really, really glad none of those led to marriage. Obviously we're different people, but now being a little older I can appreciate more the advice of people telling me I have my whole life to get married and settle down. What are your plans for your future? How does your BF play into those plans?

I hope you and he can have a good discussion about what goes on in your shared life, and when you both want those things to happen.
 
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fcl responded:
Life has already started for you. What exactly do you want from it? Have you completed your education? Do you have a good job? I find it worrisome that you consider "life" to only begin when you get married ...

As you say that your emotions are in turmoil, might I suggest you get screened for depression. It's not normal to only have one goal in life. You're young, why not enjoy the life you have while you have the freedom to have it? You need to live for YOU.

Have you discussed marriage with your bf? You say you have the same goals but to what extent have you discussed it? If you haven't fixed a time scale and the conditions you think are necessary then you can't really blame him for not producing a ring. Getting engaged/married is a very serious thing and not something that you spring on someone unawares.

What is wrong with your sex life that you think you're not healthy?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Blinkybeaker93 replied to fcl's response:
Of course I have other goals. I want to become a CNA and build on my education to become a Neonatialist.

Our sex life is "Okay". I say that because it seems to only happen when he wants it to happen. Hes completely consumed in video games. We've adopted a puppy and we've raised her since she was 1 month old. This helps us alot with communication and it gives him an insite for the future.

I have made it a point to make the "engagement" conversation be heard when we werent stressed or busy. Its not so much marrige i want him to focus on its him having a set goal with proposing. I feel like he isnt taking my feelings into consideration at times when it comes to how i feel about my values. Like with the Lingerie as, as nice as it was to remember our anniversary and make an effort to get me something for celebrate I felt like that was something id like to save for when we are married.

An engagement ring at this time doesnt seem like much to ask for. He has promise to think about it. It doesnt mean he will or he wont but i would just like to see a bigger step in our relationship. Because it is OUR relationship not anybody else's.
 
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fcl replied to Blinkybeaker93's response:
I suggest you focus on your other goals first. I'm sure you've heard it all before but completing your studies is sooooo much easier when you don't have children, a home and a job to worry about.

It sounds as if you want him to take his life in hand and set himself some goals more than you wanted to get engaged (getting engaged would have been only one of those goals, right?). It also sounds as if he hasn't acquired the maturity needed to set goals yet - he plays video games all day? Is it possible that you have matured more quickly than he? That you have outgrown him? OTOH, he may just be happy and satisfied with things the way they are and doesn't want anything to change.

Try this - ask him to imagine himself in ten years time and to tell you what he sees (it would be interesting to ask how he intends to get there when he gives you details). This is also a good question to ask yourself.

Finally, I'm curious about your communication - your comment about the puppy made me wonder just how serious a communication problem you have (because that is the very first thing you need to work on).
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Blinkybeaker93 replied to fcl's response:

Our communications used to be terrible! id tell him something important and it'd go through one ear and out the other somedays. and in those days i swear id just want to give it all up and find someone else.

but then 8 months ago we found this stray puppy and took her to the vet to find her a good home, but we fell in love with her so we kept her. I feel that with our teamwork for winry has helped in some sense.

He listens a bit more because now he knows he cant forget. because its irresponsible. Somedays i ask him to take her out on a walk and he does it others he forgets... he still plays on the video games but not as bad as it was when we first met.

maybe i do need a break..
 
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fcl replied to Blinkybeaker93's response:
A break would let you take stock of your life. You may be so embedded in your relationship that you've forgotten to be you... You might also realize (these are just random thoughts, not a judgement) that you're not so attached to your bf as he is and that a lot of your relationship is built on habit. It would also let you see whether what you really want is an engagement or whether your relationship is narrowing down your number of goals (I expressed that badly, please don't take offence) and this is the only one that was reachable in the near future.

In any case, whatever you decide, make sure you keep the puppy because it sounds like you're the one who is responsible for her


PS - taking a break isn't the only solution. There is also couples counselling. At the very least, it would help you improve your communication. If he won't go (and that would be a pretty good indication of how important your couple is to him) go by yourself, it can help you sort out your priorities ...


Wishing you well,

FCL
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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