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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Just need some supporting words
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Amber_Nichole posted:
This is going to be a long post, so bare with me.

I'm new here, but I'm not new to cheating. Every relationship I have ever been in has been an unfaithful one, and I'm starting to wonder if the idea that 'The problem must lie with me' holds true in my situation.

I don't even know where to start. I love my boyfriend, very much. He cheated on me, but in an unusual sort of way. He didn't go out with another woman, or physically have sex with another woman. He had phone sex with a girl he met on the internet. Maybe to some people this doesn't seem nearly as bad. I even think that if it hadn't been me, and I was the one hearing it third person, I probably would think 'It could be worse!', but I have to admit it hurts just as bad.

We've been struggling for some time, with our sexual relationship. We haven't had sex in 3 months, and not because I haven't wanted it. You should know, before I go on, that I am a foreigner living in China. My boyfriend is Chinese, and the culture differences are major. We broke up around 4 months ago, and then got back together about 3 months ago.. We have not had sex since we came back together. He says he is afraid I will get pregnant, and if you knew the Chinese culture you'd understand that is a pretty valid fear. But it does not excuse his behavior..

The point is. I caught him in the act, and of course I confronted him. He apologized, but I asked him to leave anyway. I've been cheated on in every relationship, and one thing I've learned it not to put up with it. But this relationship is different for me, I've never wanted to be with someone this much in the past. When men in the past have cheated, I've not blinked an eye at asking them to pack their things and get out. With him, I lost it. I slapped him across the face. I am never a violent person, but I felt so hurt that I wanted him to feel my pain. It's not a good excuse, as resorting to violence never is. After that we continued arguing more, and finally I decided I could not let him go. We had to work things out. We talked, and made promises, both of us to each other. For him not to have online relationships, as well as real physical relationships of course. And my promise was not to resort to violence ever again.

But now I feel like he thinks my wrong doing was more than his. I feel like he is trying to make me feel guilty, and holding my mistake over my head as a way to make his mistake seem less damaging.

I am just lost, and don't know what to do. In the past I've just thrown them to the curb, picked up my pieces and slowly moved on. This time I feel like my chest is being ripped apart, and pulled on from every side. Part of me feels like I should be the more guilty one, and the other part of me just keeps screaming to hold on to the strength I have ALWAYS possessed.

I need some serious advice.

Sorry for the lengthy explanation.
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queston responded:
What about a "time out?" Perhaps you could suggest a few weeks apart, so you have some space to sort out your feelings. That seems like it could be very helpful to you.

Paul's classic description of love (in 1 Corinthians) includes the phrase "keeps no record of wrongs." Whether or not anyone ascribes any religious significance to those words (or anything else in the BIble), I think we can all agree that that is a piece of wise advice. Your relationship will never get past this incident if he is holding it over your head. If you do choose to stay with him, you'll have to make sure he understands that that is one of the terms.


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