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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Is it ED or has he lost desire for me?
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An_247590 posted:
How can a someone tell if their partner has lost desire for them or is suffering from ED? A little background info... My soon to be husband is 549 years old and we have been together for 2 years. For the last several months he has had a variety of differnt problems in the bedroom. From loosing his erection too soon to premature ejaculation. He has always been what I considered impressive in his abilities. This is killing my self esteem and causing lots of problems in our relationship. Everything ive read tells me that I should do this or that, to help HIM deal with this problem. But in doing these things it is further deflating my feelings. So needless to say, Im not being the woman all the advice says.
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queston responded:
1. 549 years old? What's his secret?

2. It's not you. Male sexual performance issues are really difficult, because guys feel a lot of pressure to perform. When things start going wrong, they put themselves under a lot more pressure which generally only makes things worse. It generally has nothing to do with how into you or turned on by you they are.

3. Is there anything else going on in his life? Work or family stress?

4. Has he seen a doctor? If not, he should do so right away.

5. In the meantime, perhaps you should focus on more non-intercourse types of stimulation in your lovemaking. If he can bring you to orgasm with manual and/or oral stimulation, or toys, or whatever the two of you are into, then you could either skip intercourse altogether for now, or he might feel a lot less pressure having observed the "ladies first" principle.
 
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bkd123456 replied to queston's response:
1. oops...49 years. typo

2.I felt that this was a possibility, so I have tried not to put any pressure on him and to reassure him how I feel and that he is "all that". But it isn't helping.

3. He has been stressed with work lately. But I cant really say that anything is a new development.

4. He has seen a urologist. Who felt that it was psychological.

5.I don't really enjoy non-intercourse as much. Not to mention how demeaning it is to have him pleasure me, for half an hour, only to see that it doesn't appear to be doing anything for him...

I really appreciate your response. I'm just at the point I'm feeling resentful and left out. It seems like the focus of this is always not to make the man who isn't able to preform more comfortable. The advice you read online tells you to make yourself happy with toys or oral. Its all about what can we do or do without and what can we give up to make men more comfortable. While in the mean time, thanks to this problem, I feel too selfconcious to even let him see me naked. Its wreaking havoc on me mentally and physically both.
 
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queston replied to bkd123456's response:
I can empathize--I know what it feels like to have a spouse that seems unable or unwilling to be interested in sex. Of course, being a man, I guess we're wired differently. When my wife was uninterested in sex, I never really thought that it might be because of me or my appearance: I'm fit for my age and take good care of myself, etc. I always figured it was hormones (menopause) and stress (teenagers, career, etc). She concurs with that, BTW.

Who knows--your time will come and you'll want/need/expect him to be patient and understanding. You (plural) can get through this.


There is a book that you might find helpful: Sex After 40, by Rosenthal. There's quite a bit in there about dealing with ED.

Also, to clarify: when I mentioned maybe focussing more on non-intercourse aspects of sex, that doesn't have to be *instead* of intercourse. But many men find that we put ourselves under a lot less performance pressure if we can help our partners reach orgasm first, using something other than our penis. (The penis, after all, can let us down sometimes, through ED or PE or whatever.)

From your reaction it sounds like your lovemaking might be mostly or entirely focussed on intercourse. I know that when it goes that way for us, I feel much more pressure (to last longer.) But if we do "ladies first," I almost always last longer during intercourse on those occasions. So it's kindof a win/win thing.

Good luck. It's not you. Really. It can be a viscous circle. He may be less interested in sex because of the embarrassment and frustration of things not working. (*Especially* since the urologist didn't identify a physical problem.)
 
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queston replied to bkd123456's response:
I want to come bak to this statement:

"5. I don't really enjoy non-intercourse as much. Not to mention how demeaning it is to have him pleasure me, for half an hour, only to see that it doesn't appear to be doing anything for him..."


Demeaning for whom?
 
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bkd123456 replied to queston's response:
Both of us... But the only advice seems to be what the woman can do to help her partner. Which I'm trying my best to use. But I'm left feeling like there isn't any support for the emotional and physical affect it's having on me.

I'm an attractive woman. I don't have weight issues or any other problem with my body. But this still isnt keeping this from causing me to feel like ive lost my ability to satisfy the one man that I care most about. I'm also 16 years younger than my partner, and would like to think that my sex life isn't over! Actually, I seem to need sexual fulfillment now more than ever.
 
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queston replied to bkd123456's response:
I understand and can relate to all of that. I am about his age. As my wife has had various issues surrounding perimenopause over the last several years, including, at times, being almost completely uninterested in sex, I've had that same thoughts many times: I'm too young for my sex life to be over, will this ever get better, and so on. And if I shared my frustration with my wife, then it was me being a bad husband, not being supportive, etc. I get all that.


Things have gotten better for my wife and me. Getting older brings many challenges for our sex lives, and ED is one of the most common. I think it's probably very important for both of you to find some sexual expressions that can work for you, even if maintaining an erection cannot. I don't see what's demeaning about a couple giving each other sexual pleasure in whatever way they can. This also helps mitigate the frustrations and resentments.

Also, the book I mentioned does have specific suggestions both for men suffering from ED and for their partners.

I think either of you individually, or maybe ideally, the two of you as a couple, could benefit a lot from some counseling to help you through this. Is that a possibility?

Also, has he tried Viagra, Cialis, etc?


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