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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Cheating husband
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An_247708 posted:
Hello i am new to this group and if it came to the point of getting on the internet and finding a group discussion website to vent then you know its pretty bad . So here it goes... my husband was cheating on me for 2 years before i found out and when i did i immediately moved out the next day i was gone all my stuff moved out, i was already in the process of talking to a divorce lawyer the very next day. I cut of contact as much as i could with him so i wouldnt fall into his lies of why he did what he did and how much he loved me and wanted to work things out. We have kids together so i made it a point to have my mom drop them off at his house and pick them up. I did all that i could to avoid him so i can move on and get over the hurt and pain. All my efforts failed because in less than four months we were back together but it just didnt work out he decided to end it and the very next day start talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. After he was done with her less than a month after telling me he didnt want to be together he decided he couldnt do that anymore he wanted his family and his wife. So here we are again trying to patch this broken marriage up. I have so much stress and anxiety, i love him to death. I have waited on him hand and foot, through all his faults and his mistakes, through all his deployments and put my all into my marriage. My husband is now trying he really is and i see that, he has cut all ties with the other girl. He finally is starting to be a family man and a father, he stopped drinking smoking and going out and this has been for six months straight. He tries to please me and does his best to but i still feel like this isnt enough, i dont trust him. I always accuse him of cheating i go through his phone records, check his emails. If i find something out of place or not right i confront him about it. He is fed up with my psychotic behavior as he calls it. He says i need to trust him or he is leaving. My question is how do i trust again how can i forget what has been done to me and move on. I have tried so hard to do this and i dont know where to begin to regain my life back. I am always worried he will cheat on me...What is the first step or any ideas on how to handle this. I need to start living my life but dont know how because im always concerned about what he is doing. Please help
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Anon_596 responded:
I've done alot of reading or say research(both on-line and off - from forums to self help, etc...), learning, talking with people about this very thing. And how a person overcomes such betrayals and deceits.

The most recent information I've found on the cheating aspect is that the 'time frame' of a cheating spouse to "EARN" trust back is up to the victim(meaning you). He may be doing well or great at the moment, and since this has gone on more than once I can completely understand the anxiety you must be feeling.

I'm guessing he's agreed to be transparent with you and sounds as though he is putting his best foot forward.

Can you explain to him the level of hurt and pain this has caused you and that it had happened more than 1 time so for him to 'expect' you to allow him to designate the time frame for the trust to be 'EARNED' back is not his call, it's up to how you feel comfortable with trusting him?

Here is a link for a web blog page that you may find useful as it sounds as though he has some narcissistic traits like NPD and you possibly co-dependent. They have suggestions there on steps to take concerning getting your life back:
www.narcissismcured.com

http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog/is-your-marriage-worth-saving/

One of the things mentioned here are using 'Magic Scissors' to cut the strings connected to the negative thoughts and always worry about him that seem to let them float away as if they were balloons.

Hope this helps.
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
So this is hard for me to answer because I don't think I could do what you're doing. Here's the thing though -- you are doing it. So you really need to decide to trust him. Not because he's trustworthy but because you want a future with him. You have to slowly stop yourself from checking on him. You have to make a conscious decision to push those thoughts from your head. And then wait, and watch.

He'll either prove himself honest or fail. But that's it. Don't give yourself to him 100%. Be skeptical to a point that you're not blindly loving him, but you're also not torturing yourself and sabotaging your relationship.

Basically this should be it. It either works now or never. Even though that's scary in a sense, fear shouldn't be guiding you. Be as strong as you are and know with him or without him you will stay as strong and your life will move forward.

You have to start somewhere. Baby steps. Next time you want to check his phone walk away instead.

He pulled one over you for two years. I don't know how you pick up from that. I would imagine therapy would be a must, but if you are just going to do this then you actually have to put your effort in too. Not saying he deserves it but it's your choice and you deserve it.

Find your strength outside of this marriage so you don't hold onto it as a lifeline.

Good luck to you.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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Anon_4528 responded:
I haven't read the other responses thoroughly, so please forgive me if I'm repeating. Through personal experience, when a spouse is unfaithful, regaining your trust for them is one of the most difficult feats to accomplish when trying to repair your relationship. That being said, your spouse needs to have a better understanding that there is no timeline for you when you are trying to accomplish this feat, especially labeling this challenge of yours "psychotic behavior". Your spouse also needs to understand that in order to repair your marriage he needs to accommodate your apprehensions and feelings of insecurity, and be patient. No one expects to go through this experience, hence we don't know how long it will take to recover nor how we will react. Your actions ( scanning through his phone etc.) are rational, considering your trust for this person has been compromised, he needs to understand that his actions have caused your behavior. That being said, you can't continue this behavior, because simply it'll be exhausting for you both. I think the best option for your marriage will be counseling. I think a professional third party will bring better understanding to you both.
And again from personal experience, there is no way to put a said timeline on when or if you will ever trust him again. Maybe after some counseling you can see yourself slowly begin to walk down that road or maybe you will see that it's unattainable. Some people take years to recover, some don't recover at all and simply move on. I am sorry you are going through this, it is for sure, a difficult hand to be dealt.
 
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flodis responded:
I experience the same type of situation with an acquaintance of mine. He became a close friend & cheated on me. I pryed it out of him & then I was really down & out. He said he was sorry & after much deliberation I decided to give him a chance again. He was great! No suspicious activity at all, then one day I noticed he started doing things that were off. Turning his phone upside down so I couldn't see who was contacting him& various other things.( he & I are over now) I am trying to save my own marriage of 24 yrs. My husband is seeing someone now but denies it.(I have proof) The reason I am writing to you though is to let you know it IS ABSOLUTELEY possible to overcome your fear as long as you feel that he's doing his best & trying. You must be able to read him if you've been with him & have kids together. There is a quote in the Bible which reads "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself Each day has enough trouble of its own" Matthew 6:34. Try to remain calm & level headed or you'll scare him away & then probably feel worse. Don't be paranoid just give him a chance & you'll trust him fully again. . It really is possible. I'd give anything for the chance to have my husband even want to try to fix things. He just keeps threatening me with divorce & won't let me go anywhere with him. We sleep in separate rooms, which I don't want to do anymore but he's totally tuned out. Not sure what to do here either. I'm trying really hard to get him back all seems for nothing though. Hope my words encourage you. Just give him the benefit of the doubt for now & see how things go.
 
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sd51783 replied to flodis's response:
I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, stuck with him through everything and now after getting back together and working things out he is telling me he doesnt want to be with me anymore. This is the pattern every 6-8 months he wants to leave and then come back and work on things then leave. I always want to work on things because i love him and for our kids. This time i really have to let go. There is people in the world that will love me all the time and treat me the way i deserve to be treated. I think one day he will realize what a good wife i was and how i was alway devoted to him and our family. I need to start making a new life alone with me and my kids.. that is the hard part. I know i cant do it alone and god will see me all the way through i just have to be strong and patient and live now for my kids.
 
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cocochanel86 responded:
hey An_247708 I actually work for a syndicated talkshow looking to help a couple just like you! If you and the hubby are still in a rut we would love to get you back on track with a professional relationship expert. If you are interested let me know.


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