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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Just need to vent
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Stacey2005 posted:
To get right to it, the only things DH does around here are mow the lawn and do his own laundry. I'm not exaggerating. We have DS age 3 & DD age 5. I teach high school English, and when I come home, he gets on his Playstation or Ipod while I entertain the kids and cook dinner. Also, I'm going to start my master's degree online, and DH said to let him know if i need his help with anything when I start that. IF i need anything?? I'm going to be teaching all day, bringing home papers to grade, doing my OWN school work, and he implies that I might NOT need his help?! I feel like making a list of chores is something i would do for a KID, not him. But if i say anything about how i feel like i do everything around here, he just gets mad & says he's a shi**y husband, but nothing changes.

I'm not sure what i should do, i just needed to tell someone.
Thanks.
Reply
 
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longduckdong46 responded:
So does DH have a job of his own ?

The reason I mention that is because playstations and Ipod's are not cheap, and if he is not contributing to the family, other than what you mentioned, maybe you should take away his play things since you appear to be the sole provider in the marriage.
If he wants to act like a child treat him like one.

Based on what you have stated it it sounds like he wants to be responsible for himself and all else doesn't really matter.

You have more than proven your character and it is now time for him to step it up and prove his.
 
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3point14 responded:
Have you ever tried calmly discussing with him what your expectations are? It sounds like he's clueless, and if he really doesn't understand your frustrations, things will never get better.

A list of chores is something that you make when you want your expectations to be known and want another person to be accountable for them. The condescending attitude of treating him like a child and the easiest solution to this as childish is probably why he falls into the "childish" role.

You need to have an adult conversation with him. Instead of complaining about the things you do do, ask him to help out before you get mad. If putting it down on paper for some reason annoys you, have him write it down and check it off for you. There's no reason for either one of you to be "mad" about this per se, it sounds like you're both just frustrated because the expectations aren't being clearly stated so they can't be accomplished. What do you do when he gets mad and calls himself a bad husband?

I wish you both the best of luck.
 
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queston replied to 3point14's response:
This is good advice.

No one likes being told (or having it implied) that they don't do enough. (I'm not saying it isn't true--it certainly seems like he doesn't do enough. Just that no one likes to hear it in those terms.)

He might respond much better to a conversations that goes more like: let's make a list of household chores and make sure we know who is going to be responsible for making sure they get done. It sounds to me like he may genuinely have no idea how much is involved in running a household.

Men tend to really like personal responsibility. I like knowing what is my responsibility and knowing that I don't have to worry about the things that are my wife's responsibility. The things that we treat as shared responsibilities sometimes fall through the cracks, but if I have agreed that something is my responsibility, then living up to that becomes almost a moral imperative for me. A lot of men are like that. Maybe he's one of them.

If nothing else, this conversation and the list that it generates may help him see that there's a lot of work involved in running a household and you've been doing the overwhelming majority of it.
 
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MissCaptainKirk responded:
Hey I understand the whole husband-being-glued-to-the-PlayStation thing. He didn't listen when I asked for help cooking or cleaning and I could literally not get his attention with anything and that includes lingerie.

I think your husband may genuinely want to help you, but he really doesn't know what to do. If he's like my husband, his mother always did all that stuff for him and he really doesn't know what goes into keeping up a household and he couldn't do it all even if he tried. It's not a good feeling for a guy because he wants to take care of his household, which is evident when he says he's a sh***y husband.
So have a nice sit-down and make a list of chores that you can divvy up. You could even stick the list on the fridge so he has a reference. He may have fewer chores than you at first, but he'll get used to doing them and maybe you could both agree he will take on more as times goes on.

As far as the PlayStation goes, my opinion really depends on whether he has a job as well. If he does have a job, then when he comes home he probably needs a solid hour of gaming because it's how he relieves stress. It's the equivalent of you coming home and talking to him about your day. But also talk to him about it and let him know that you understand he needs to game but he also needs to limit it because you need his help.
So, like I said, let him game for an hour or so when he comes home and then maybe you both could agree that when the hour is up it's ok for you to come up to him and say you need his help so could he please stop gaming and help you.

This really does work, I assure you, but it'll take some time for him to get into the habit of it so unfortunately you're gonna need a lot of patience lol. It may feel like you're dealing with a teenager at first, but eventually he will get into the habit of helping you.

I don't have any kids but my mom is a teacher and when we were young, when she needed to grade papers and stuff then my dad would take us for a walk or have story time or something to occupy us. Perhaps your husband could do something similar so he's interacting with the kids and you have some peace while you try to grade and do your own homework.

Congrats on going back to school, BTW. That's awesome.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!


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