Been 2 years since emotional affair and husband still wont touch me....HELP
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An_248156 posted:
I need help my husband and I have been together for 14years and married 12, he travels for a living and was an alcoholic however he did drink hardly ever at all in the begining for over a year so i thought it was uunder control, married him and it went bananas. Fast forward 10 years 2 kids later, i was so tired of being lonely and ignored or if he was paying attention to me it was after drinking so i just felt like i was disgusting if and he couldnt touch me without beer, i had spent 3 or 4 years at this point begging him to stop and telling him point blank it was gonna cost him his wife and kids sooner or later I could only take so much, i got into an emotional affair with a co worker....in 2010 in december 2010 my husband found out about it, and was devastated. Now his side is he has always believe I was not "in" 100% and he always thought i was cheating he said something inside him just kept saying that i was. Well in 2009 someone i worked with wanted me to divorce him but it was not an affair and i did not have the same feelings back, the affair in 2010 I also was not in love with that person I was in love with the idea of someone liking me and wanting me and loving me and giving me what i needed pretty much no matter what the cost. Which I know now was very selfish. We only saw each other at work, and would go to the car sometimes for lunch for 30mins or to 7-11 during 10 min break, so in the car was the only time out of work we ever saw each other, WE NEVER HAD INTERCOURE, we never saw each other naked even. It was a whole lot of cuddling making out, blowjob cause thats what he wanted and i hated it and chest playing. When it came out in dec 2010 my husband quit drinking that day and for the most part still has, he only does it when he is out of town on his time, and still respects me about it. We have done really well and come very far in changing into better people and learning from our mistakes, but he says he penis just doesnt work period, other then very short kisses and hugs we have no sexual contact, infact, we dont change in front of each other or anything like that. He said the hurt I caused has made him damaged goods for life probably. I can't imagine at 40 having no sex drive ever again, he has said several times if i am pushing him into having sex with me, I will lose the battle. I have tried and tried and tried to explain to him that its actually not about the actual act of sex, it more of a concern that I am the only one that seems to care we are coming up on 2 years and i am the only one that has ever brought it up and has voiced concern....after all being so lonely is what me where i was to begin with so now im even lonier? I dont understand....I respect that this is his feelings and that it just "doesnt work anymore" but really i need help understanding how at 40, im supposed to stay married and never make love again maybe. Ive even said there is so much other sexual activity other then actual sex and maybe even baby steps forward but no. I love him with all my heart and know him half my life, and have always loved him, it was just about the attention and a feeling for me, the affair was not real and he refuses to believe that and says every text message is true and does not believe that i would say or do what i had to, in order to get the attention i wanted.. I never went back to work there for even 1 more day after that day, never have seen or spoke to a single person from there again , walked away from 2 very good friends(girls) that i am still very upset about. Have stayed home to prove my love, sold my car cause he hated it, have not had one slip up of calling a guy, seeing a guy, one single lie nothin,.he on the other hand has had some drinking episoed on the road which lead me into giving in finally that he drink on the road with respect,no concern of my 10 years of hurt from it basically he quit so that chapter is closed...how long would you wait for your husband to make love to you agai

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3point14 responded:
A healthy, happy relationship isn't one where both parties play the tit for tat game. While it sounds like his drinking was a huge blow to your ego and to your relationship, that doesn't justify having an affair on your husband. Calling it an emotional affair after you've given someone else a blow job is a lie, and your husband is obviously extremely hurt by your infidelity. Maybe the affair wasn't real to you, but to him it's extremely damaging. When you write off his feelings, you're doing exactly what he's doing to you.

It sounds like neither one of you wants to compromise. You don't take the blame for your affair because he "deserved" it because of his drinking, and he doesn't take the blame for his drinking because he views what you did as worse. To make this relationship work, both of you need to be ready to move on from the past. Seeing a therapist would be the best solution, but if not that then both of you are going to have to let your grudges go. To be honest though, it doesn't sound like he wants to or is ready to do that.

I wish you both the best luck. I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust to deal with their substance abuse and who had no desire to forgive me for my bad behavior.
 
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StacyVaughn responded:
As complicated as a situation maybe in a relationship, it boils down to a simple conclusion. Either BOTH of you love eachother enough, have the will to progress, and are able to put allll hurt feeling aside and truly discuss what's going on, and decide what the root of the issues are and how you're going to fix them. For some people they have to turn to therapy cause things have gotten so out of hand, neither party knows which direction to take the first step in. I understand you and your husbands side completely. You both have increasingly hurt feelings, that will only continue to get worse. You need to ask him straight up if he can set his hurt feelings aside, to make amends and save your marriage. If he doesn't have it in him, you can't change that. Maybe separation and time will, but who knows.. You can't keep analyzing every detail, and bend over backwards for someone if they can't get past their feelings/emotions. You still have to look out for yourself. He is your husband, and I'm sure you've learned to put him before yourself, trying to make him happy. But you can't forget that you come first! If he can't do it, you have to separate. For both of you.