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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
one affair follows another
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flodis posted:
Hi: I am seeking answers regarding how to rebuild a marriage after an affair. I had an affair with a coworker for 3 yrs on & off. I decided I didn't want to do this anymore because I loved my husband & really missed him & our daughter. I spent all my daytime hours taking long walks & talking primarily. We cooked lunch together etc. But things kept getting worse & worse between us. I wasn't sure how I could tolerate him anymore. I wanted to come back to my family which I have attempted to do, but now he's disinerested. I found out he's been lying to me & seeing a woman instead of going where he tells me. I've been told not to confront him because it'll just make him leave.(which he threatens to do regularly because his very confident in himself now. I am the model perfect wife now, as I always used to be before my affair. I never told a fib or looked at another man for 21 yrs. He's just not giving me a chance anymore because I used to lie to him. I swear I will never do it again. I just want my life back. Anyone have any ideas for me. I miss him sooooo much.
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kisha252 responded:
trust he will NEVER TRUST you
 
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3point14 responded:
He may still technically be there, but if he's seeing someone else, threatens to leave all the time, and is disinterested in you, it sounds like he's checked out.

You have to confront him about what he's doing, otherwise your relationship is still built on lies. I hate to say it, but if he leaves you all it'll mean is the physical manifestation of the distance he's already created. You were definitely, definitely in the wrong to cheat, but that doesn't give him the freedom to treat you however he feels like.

If your talks together aren't open and honest, you're both wasting your time. You need to be honest about why you cheated, how you know he's cheating, what your hopes and expectations are, and you need to find out from him what you could do to rebuild your relationship. Unfortunately, if he's done with you, these conversations will most likely end your relationship. It'll at least allow the both of you to actually move on. If you're both willing, I'd also reccomend seeing a therapist. Sometimes an uninvolved third party can help make things more clear, and help you both express your wants and needs to each other in a healthier way.

I wish you both the best of luck.
 
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An_249530 responded:
Honestly, He will probably never trust you again! And even if you two did stay together it will most likely never work. It will always be on his mind and he will never believe you about anything, on top of that probably become rude and bitter because of the betrail. I dont mean to sound cruel but three years is sort of a big mistake and especally betraying your family and your vows like that for so long is very hurtful to hear. anyways i do hope for the best for you, maybe you should be alone for a while to explore your options. And Give your husband a chance to heal and possibly move on?
 
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queston replied to An_249530's response:
I think you've gotten some good advice. Honestly, the damage done by a three-year ongoing affair would be fatal to most marriages, I suspect. I might be able to forgive impulsive indiscretions, but I don't know how I'd ever trust my spouse again if I knew that she had been deceiving me that way for three years.

3point14 is spot on (as usual): if your marriage is going to survive this, it has to all be discussed with complete openness and honesty. And, of course, he needs to be willing to end his relationship. I think some sort of counseling would be practically mandatory. I think you should definitely be prepared to face the fact that you may have irreparably damaged your marriage.
 
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grimrider responded:
hate to say but you made your bed. wat did you expect him to sit around and wait for you to come to terms and decide hey maybe i will try to make my marriage work. after 3 years really? idk openness and honesty was nowhere near this marriage. you shld be happy that hes at least happy now finding someone who will give him wat you didnt. and you did lie for 3 yrs. jsut bc you decided your done doesnt make it alright. IMO this is long gone and dead you shld confront him get all that negative energy about each other and move on. this in no way is good example for your daughter.


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