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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Torn thinking about divorce
An_248186 posted:
I have been married for 8 years and now have 2 children. My husband has been angry, overly reactive, controlling and has made a point to speak about my insecurities to our neighbors, friends and families. He is critical in the way I handle the kids and in the same breath says that I'm a great mother. He has left our 4 year old home alone to go get our 6 year old off the bus and when I questioned him about this and told him to go back and get our son he said, "I was micro managing him." He drinks 2 larger rocks size glasses of vodka 4-5 times a week and is often not present (at others houses, on the computer, doing office work at home.) He is overly reactive if our child spills milk and once while camping he yelled at me (loudly so that others looked.) saying that he couldn't believe I had let our son go to the bathroom by a bush. (we had been driving for hours.) I feel like I've tolerated too much for for too long and am emotionally over it. I do not argue, I am overly sensitive to anger because of my family which he always complains about also. But I have guilt because of my children. Should I stay or should I go?
fcl responded:
Why would you want to stay?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Danjo replied to fcl's response:
I honestly don't know, I suppose I feel guilt about putting my children through a divorce. he has good qualities, but they don't come out as much as they should.
fcl replied to Danjo's response:
Don't you feel guilt about keeping them in this situation? Do you think it's good for them to hear their father badmouth their mother to all and sundry? Do you think they feel safe with him when he leaves them alone in the house (why didn't he just take the 4 yo with him?), has no idea of safety, and yells? Take a look at what you are teaching them about marriage - that the woman is belittled, yelled at, insulted ... and that she just takes it. Try to imagine yourself and how you will feel ten years from now. Can you imagine another ten years of this?

Take a sheet of paper. On one side write down all the reasons you should leave. On the other, the reasons you should stay. Then think long and hard about what you wrote.

However, if you think there is any chance at all that he might change then suggest counselling to him. If he refuses then you know that either he doesn't see anything wrong with the situation (so why should he change) or he does see something wrong with the situation but doesn't care enough to change it in any way. Personally, I would not want to stay with someone who didn't care about me enough to make an effort. In any case, even if he refuses please go by yourself. It will help you see the situation more clearly and decide what your next step will be.

Good luck
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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