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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Keylogging
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itssofluffy posted:
I'm about 99% sure my husband put a keylogger on my PC. I had once seen remnants of an installation many years ago that he said he had uninstalled but there have just been too many coincidental things that have happened since then. If he would admit to it, I would forgive him. If I find it myself, I may just leave him for blatantly lying to my face for years and thinking I'm too stupid to figure it out.

I've scanned my computer up and down with every scanner known to man (we're both software engineers by trade). The problem is that he may have written one that no commercial virus software would ever find.

I don't have access to our domain controller or network devices but the last thing that happened was regarding something I typed and deleted so I think it would have to be on my PC for him to trace that. What would you do? He keeps denying it and says he doesn't know what to do to make me trust him. However, if you typed out something very specific to a friend in email and then you deleted it, only to have your husband comment on it the next day, wouldn't that make you feel pretty sure he read it somehow? What if that happened 3 times? Sometimes I feel paranoid but, geez, it seems so obvious to ignore.

I have now installed a well known key scrambler to block what I'm typing in most cases. Not because I have anything to hide, but just to spite him. That is only a small comfort though. We're hardly ever apart since we work together. I don't know when I would be doing something he doesn't approve of!

Anyway, I've asked him multiple times and he swears up and down there is nothing there. Maybe I could trap him somehow? I haven't actually cited the 3 coincidences to him so perhaps that is the way to go forward. What should I do because this bugs the heck out of me?
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3point14 responded:
You don't sound like you like your husband very much. Is he possessive besides (maybe) this? Have you ever done anything to give him reason not to trust you? What would it take for you to trust him? What do you expect to gain by spitefully (maybe) hiding things from him,making it look like you do have something to hide? Does he do other things to make you feel stupid?

What was the thing you'd typed in your e-mail about? How did he bring it up? What were the other three things? Why the trapping? Just ask for access to the domain controller and take a peek around!

It sounds like it would be really frustrating if this was actually going on, but something just isn't adding up to me here. I'm sorry I can't be of more help without more info.
 
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itssofluffy replied to 3point14's response:
Oh no, I like him fine. He's a good guy other than he has some voyeuristic tendencies. I like him, but not the act of spying on me. Anyway, I just feel like I have zero privacy. I struggle with anxiety and depression on occasion and I recently started a journal on my computer and I feel like I can't truly write in it because I fear he is logging what I'm writing. There isn't anything bad in there, but when my mind starts racing, I just want to spill it all out so the next day I can read and see how crazy it all sounds. It's like having someone reading your thoughts.

The first coincidence involved me telling a girlfriend that I didn't understand why he carried all his dirty dishes into the kitchen and then left them on the counter rather than putting them in the dishwasher. The very next day, he stopped doing that and never did it again. Most recently I had written a blurb to a girlfriend, in an attempt to empathize, that my husband was doing a great job helping me out (I had back surgery) but he never asked me how I was feeling or how the pain was. The next day he started asking me how I was feeling. I could tell it was awkward for him since we are both shy and it just seemed very unlike him. I deleted that blurb from the email so he didn't just read the email or hear it from her, but it is possible that a draft was saved and it was sent through a network packet sniffer.

Anyway, I have talked to him about this and he denies it. I guess I should have mentioned why I thought it each time. It doesn't add up which is why I am confused. I think he just likes to spy on people. We have some security cameras at our office and he watches them all day and gets a little too excited over catching people using the dumpster illegally or something.

So I was just wondering what other people would do now. Do I confront him again and mention the specific reasons I believe it? Do I just forget it? He either doesn't trust me or he gets some thrill in watching what I'm doing. Either way, I'd prefer it stopped or that he would at least talk to me about it rather than sneaking around. It makes me not want to trust him. He never exhibits any possessive behavior and he never ever gets mad about anything. In fact, I often feel like he's too laid back. Perhaps he is overly confident because he knows he can just spy on me and find out what I'm doing later.
 
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Anon_3003 replied to itssofluffy's response:
Trust - It was lost somewhere in your relationship. Maybe he has scars from a previous relationship? Regardless it is a viscious cycle you two will go down if you up the ante by using a scrambler. It will only convince him YOU DO have something to hide.

My suggestion is to use the cpu just for your work and nothing more. He may tire of the nothingness maybe not. Find time to arrange some sort of counseling. The cruelest trick would to type in to meet a certain guy at a certain time and place. And let that person be a counselor. There are probably two things going on in his head. 1. Anger that you would keep secrets and that he'll do anything to find out. 2. Shame that he must stoop to such levels. And questions why he is not the center of his universe. Discussing this topic should be done carefully because it can go two ways. (and don't set him up)

Alternatively is if he is a voyeur as you suggest possibly he gets off hearing/reading your inner thoughts. You may want to entertain him in another fashion with this. Possibly allow him to hear a sexual fantasy or to eave him a note with some inner thoughts. This is a diversion from the TRUST issue only. That needs to be worked on.
 
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An_249530 replied to Anon_3003's response:
I agree with Anon. It sounds like his trust for you was lost in someway if in fact he really has done this to your computer. I think he should just ask you to see your e-mail ect. if something is bothering him, but in return you be totally open to showing him anything and not deleting anything that may cause conflict. Whenever anything is deleted in my experiece, it causes question as to why it needed to be deleted. Anyways it sounds like you need to just talk let him know that this is what u think may be happening instead of accusing him. And let him know that if there is something that is ever bothering him that he can come to you and you have no problems letting him know whats going on or show him if it has gotten that far. Open and honest always !!!


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