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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Advice Appreciated
    Anon_81364 posted:
    I'm not sure how to explain everything or even what I really want to ask, but I'll try.

    My husband & I have been together about 18 mo. Married 4.
    When we met, I was going through...a rough time. I was in the middle of my divorce & making stupid choices sowing wild oats I never sowed in my teens & early 20s. I think I was trying to show my ex (and myself) that someone else would find me attractive, that I wouldn't be alone forever after all, etc. But I was also just completely stupid.
    From the time I met him that pretty much ceased & desisted. It was COMPLETELY gone within 2 mo of us meeting.

    We're both divorced-me out of a 10 year marriage, him out of a 20 year marriage.

    We get his kids every other weekend and it's hard to find a lot of alone time when they're here. So we tend to be a little more frisky right before they come & right after they leave.

    They just left yesterday, so this started 2 weeks ago.
    He travels a lot for his job & we knew he was going to be out of town most of the following week. When they left we took advantage of our time.
    I had noticed a small red spot above my pubic area but didn't say anything because it wasn't really painful & I've had ingrown hairs, etc before.
    He left on Tues morning & I noticed in the shower that my 'spot' had become a sore. It got worse instead of better while he was gone & I began feeling like I had other sores in my genital area.
    When he came back on Thurs night, we made love. I wasn't hurting at the time & hadn't SEEN anything other than the original spot/sore, which I thought wasn't getting better because of where it was & the fact I can't leave things alone.
    Fri I started feeling like I was getting a UTI. I told him about it Sat before he left for a 2nd shift job & also that I was becoming concerned that maybe my 'spot' was something more serious.
    He had thought he was getting a cold sore the week prior to being out of town. I asked him if he could remember if he had it the last time he gave me oral.
    We both assumed I was jumping at shadows.
    Somehow the talk turned to exes & I said his probably had something Clorox wouldn't wash off. I meant it as a joke & in regards more to her personality than anything. But I don't think he took it that way. He shot back at me, "What about XX" the person I had been with between my ex & him. He hates this guy. Period.

    I had been feeling like I had other sores so I decided to go ahead & visit a doctor on Sat. They did a urine culture & a swab of the original spot/sore.
    I know it's ridiculous, but I didn't tell my husband or the doctor about my suspicions there were other sores.
    The doctor put me on Acyclovir & an antibiotic because she wasn't able to get a definite on either test. She said she didn't think I had anything other than a slightly elevated white count, but she would be pro-active. She also said my husband could take the Acyclovir.

    We've both been taking it about a week. Me 3x daily, him usually at least once daily. I feel like 90% of my sores are gone, but I'm going to keep taking it until I'm sure.
    We've also continued to make love.

    Yesterday, I finally heard back from the doctor. Urine was clear, but the sore was herpes.

    Between the kids & a friend we have who was here most of the day, we didn't really get a chance to talk.
    He told me he doesn't know what to think or do. He's very much a man of action, who likes to have a plan, the idea that he can't control or cure this bothers him.
    I feel like he thinks I brought this on me/us. I don't want to lay the blame on him, but I've never had anything like this before, & I don't really believe his idea that it could have been dormant.

    Once he makes his mind up & speaks, he usually doesn't bring it up again. He says nothing's changed between us. He still loves me & we'll deal with it.
    I just don't know what to do or how to do it. Do I just let it go too?
    What I'm scared of is that he thinks it came from this other guy & thing will change between us.
    tlkittycat1968 responded:
    He may have had herpes and gave it to you as men usually don't have symptoms and usually don't know they have it. You may have gotten it from one of your partners while you were "sowing your wild oats."

    Your husband is correct in that herpes can lay dormant for years which is how someone who has been 100% faithful to their current partner can still have it if a previous partner had it.
    darlyn05 responded:
    Herpes can be dormant for many years prior to having an outbreak of sores. So it's origin can be a mystery. Visit your Dr. again for a further exam and suggest your husband does as well. It is controlable, or rather manageable through medications and such.

    Trust what your husband said about nothings changed between the two of you and let the origin of it go. If he does bring it up in the future explain that the origin is a mystery and it could've involved either one of you to which it's doubtful that either of you will find the source. And that it's not worth disrupting or destroying your marriage. Let's work on this with eachother.
    a_pugs_person responded:
    Thank you both for your comments. It's hard for me to accept that people can actually forgive and forget basically. I know there's not really a forgiveness thing in this case necessarily, but just the fact that my sweet husband actually doesn't hold grudges or bring things up as ammo later on is still just new to me.

    The little bit of research I had done earlier seemed to indicate that normally a first outbreak would occur within 7-10 days of exposure. That was why my only thought was that it could have been his cold sore. He's not a violent or jealous man but with him being out of town I was scared he'd let himself believe the worst.

    To wild oat sowing was NOT sleeping with everything I could find. It was one guy. But it was a VERY bad choice. Most of my poor choices were lots of drinking, driving when I really shouldn't have been, taking trips without telling anyone where I was going, going out to clubs, staying out of work, etc. I just wasn't acting like a responsible adult.

    Thanks again for the advice and information.

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