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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
when friends have to choose during a divorce
Danjo posted:
My best friend of 35 years is still talking to my husband (who I am newly in the process of divorcing). They were never good friends, but now my husband is reaching out to her and her husband to get an idea of "whats in my head." I'm hurt and feel a bit betrayed that they are answering his texts and now her husband is meeting him for a beer. (Which in 8 years they have never done.) My husband has plenty of people he can lean on for support and I'm wrong to feel hurt?
tlkittycat1968 responded:
Well, you have a right to your feelings but asking your friend(s) to choose between you or your soon-to-be ex isn't fair.

DH is motorcycle riding buddies with my SIL's ex BF but as flakey and crazy as she is, she never made him choose him or her.
tmlmtlrl responded:
I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. I'm sure I would be feeling the same way too. 35 years is a long time to keep a friendship.

Have you talked with her about this? What does she say? Does she not agree with your decision to divorce? Talk with her about these things and what's going on in her head. And be open to her answers to you. If she thinks you are making bad decisions then you should take that to heart and really consider everything you're doing. I say that because she's been your Best Friend for 35 years. I think that entitles her to an opinion that you're open to.. not that what she says is gold or anything.

Just listen, express your feelings, and go from there. Ask her to put herself in your situation and ask how she would feel.

Sadly it's a possibility that you may have out grown your friendship and have to move on. I guess you have to evaluate how important she is to you and vise versa.

Good luck
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Danjo replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Yes, we have talked about how I feel about it, she says that she is probably wronge to answer his texts/ calls but if he were do do something dramatic, that she would blame herself. It would be different if her husband and my soon to be ex hung out more on a regular basis.

The thing that concerns me the most is that my bff and her husband have really taken my divorce hard. It's not that they don't agree with it, they are just upset about the kids and whats going to happen to them and they think I will be a wreck without my kids every day. The thing is, I have never bad mouthed my husband. I have kept my unhappiness and the bad things private and put a smile on my face for the world. When they talk to my husband, they say things that he twists and turns to mean something else. I don't need any more drama!
tmlmtlrl replied to Danjo's response:
Is there some reason for her to think he's going to do something dramatic? To himself or you? I'm going to assume she's old enough to know she has no control over other people's actions.

There's obviously a much deeper story here. Not sure if you want to get into more details or not? It would make giving advice easier though.

It's nice they care so much about the kids, but why are they so concerned? Why don't they believe you two can handle this as responsible adults? Will he have custody?

Did you let her know that you don't want the extra drama? Is there any reason for her to share what he says to her and her husband? And is it your ex twisting things or is it them? Are you able to speak with your ex right now?

IDK, I guess if you're not able to talk this out with her and get some understanding you are naturally going to start backing away from her if you haven't already.

I'm sure she believes she is doing what's best right now. Has she always had a flare for the dramatic? Have you asked her to back away a bit? Not be so involved in what's happening?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

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