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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
more advice please!
Danjo posted:
These past 2 years I have swept arguments and hurt feelings under the rug. Hakuna Matata, no worries and just tried to focus on all the good things. Our kids, comfortable life, good friends, etc. I've tried hard to make life comfortable for my husband and children yet he still maintained an attitude that he was not happy with me or our life. He just seemed angry all the time and I felt that I was a huge source of it as everything I said and did seemed to make him upset. He maintains that he never knew I was unhappy, and if he did he would have done something, I maintain that I told him repeatedly and that he never heard or wanted to hear me.

Now he is telling me that it was politics and the economy and his need to control situations that he couldn't control that was making him so angry and mean and that that he is trying to change. He desperatly says he loves me and will do anything to keep our family together. Yet in the same sentence he says that I have problems too and I this, and I that... He is going to counseling and accepts responsibility, and has made some positive changes (like having more patience with our sons and with me and helping out more around the house.) Yet he still harbors this angry, intense, controling behavior and when I tell him how I feel, it comes out. He still acts the same when there is a "bump in the road." Angry over the little things, but now he says it's because we have a divorce looming over our heads. I keep telling him that we just need to take things one day at a time and see what happens. If he is going to change for the positive, then things will work out. But he cannot get angry at me all the time and he has to treat me with respect and kindness. I deserve that much. He says I'm asking too much from him to tell him he cannot get angry.

My question is this, am I giving him false hope? And should I give him another chance? I'm so hurt and confused.
fcl responded:
Counselling does not cure everything overnight. IT can take a long time for counselling to bear its fruits? You may also be seeing small changes that you don't really notice. Have you considered counselling yourself? To help you see more clearly through this situation? Or could you go with your husband for a few sessions?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Danjo replied to fcl's response:
I have been going for the past 3 months and we have gone together. You see, I grew up in an extreemly negative and angry house where we screamed and yelled and hit eachother most of the time. I made a decision that I was not going to live my live that way and I was not going to be around people who did. When I met my husband he swore he would "protect" me from anger. He was jovial, and always the loved. Since then, he has progressivly become more angry and has anxiety and control issues. He has been on meds for over 2 years now for it.

He is a good man, I know this. But he continues to say that I never told him I was unhappy, when I remember telling him, "I cannot do this marriage, be with him, without help." and I begged him to see a counseler last year and he refused.

I love him, he is the father of my children and he knows I am a good wife and mother and now that I'm not tolerating it anymore, he wants to change. I feel so broken, don't know if I have it in me to forgive and forget. I'll always be walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off.

Am I stupid?
fcl replied to Danjo's response:
No, you're not stupid. Not by a long chalk. Don't waste your energy by trying to forgive and forget - instead, use it to move forward. I'm not negating what he has done, just trying to say that channeling your energy towards something positive might be easier and more productive for you.

He needs to let go of the "you never said ..." issue. It isn't helping anybody (it's his way of trying to shift the blame to you). Will he see a counsellor alone? I ask because he will need individual sessions to help him get a grasp of his life again. Hopefully, you won't have to be walking on eggshells for much longer.

However, you also need to give yourself a limit. Decide what would be a dealbreaker for you - how long you can stand living like this. When you reach a point where it is harder to stay than to leave then go. Alo, never forget the effect of anger and control can have on children. I would hate for my children to grow up in a home where I was walking on eggshells, when they never knew how their father would react to something, when he was going to blow up, ... I would hate for them to grow up with knots in their stomachs for fear of how that day would be ... Think of them too.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Danjo replied to fcl's response:
Thanks for the insite. He is seeing a counselor alone and it is helping him. It took me so long to admit that my marriage was over that it's hard to think about putting it back together. One day at a time right?

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