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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Is husband change believable?
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Danjo posted:
Ok, so I filed for divorce and my husband swore he was going to change and tried, but still had the same emotional/ anger/ anxiety issues and ended up taking a 2nd medication for depression and anxiety. So now he is on 2 different pills and going to counseling. The thing is, since taking the 2nd pill, he has changed dramatically. He has been great when it comes to being patient with me and the kids, little things dont seem to bother him like before and he is actually attentive and showing affection towards me and the kids. He is hardly showing anger which was a major part of the problem in our marriage.

So now I feel torn, thinking do I believe that he has actually changed or do I think it's just the pills? It's hard to continue living a somewhat "normal life" with him knowing that there is a divorce looming over us and knowing that I can stop it at any time. Do I ask him to try to stop taking the 2nd pill to see if he has self control. or do I try to work it out with a husband who has to take 2 antidepressents and continues to drink 4-5 nights a week, (which is intensified from the pills)?
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queston responded:
I guess the question I would want to ask is, "So what if it is the pills?"

My daughter takes pills that keep her from getting pregnant. I take pills that raise my good cholesterol and lower my triglycerides. Your husband takes pills that change the chemical balance in his brain and help reverse his depression. Is there any meaningful difference between these cases? Why would it be different in your husband's case?

About the drinking--does he have a drinking problem? I used to drink 4-5 nights a week. I'd drink exactly one beer. No problem there. Is his drinking like that or something different?
 
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Danjo replied to queston's response:
I'm not saying that the pills are a problem for me. (i guess I sort of am) but the fact that he takes them are not at all an issue. I guess what bothers me is that one pill is once a day and the other is 2 times a day. I think the second pill is only ment to be a temporary pill while we go through this tough time. He does not want to stay on the second pill.

He drinks 2 rocks glasses of vodka (straight) (filled) 4-5 times a week. Yes I think he has a drinking problem.

I guess I feel like either he is holding in his anger and just going to blow at any minute, or I will say or do something and wait for him to come back at me but he doesn't. He just holds it in. So do I forgive him for all the bad that he has done and accept this "new" man?
 
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queston replied to Danjo's response:
Well, if the pills that seem to be making a difference are temporary, then you'd certainly be wise to wait and see if his behavioral changes can continue after going off those pills before making a commitment to stay together.

Is there some medical reason why these pills need to be temporary? It seems like they are working, after all.
 
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An_241258 responded:
One thing I've learnt from working in the mental health field is that some people can experience depression, bipolar or some other mental health condition and will need medication for life to be able to live a good quality life.
That said, you are asking a question about medication that really can't be answered besides trial and error. There's the chance that as soon as he stops the medication, his depression and anxiety will come back. Or maybe it was a cure drug, but chances are slim on this one.


What you really need is assurance from this man that he will continue to help himself to manage his disorder. Some mental health conditions can be something short lived, but if it is ongoing then it may be about him taking some responsibility and continuing medication (or other treatment). If you feel he will continue with the medication, then you are right, he may continue to be loving and have self control and you may end up happy. On the other hand, theres that risk he will stop taking the medication and fall back into the ways he was before, where you obviously werent happy since you filed divorce.
Its not about saying has he changed or is it the pills. He's a human being either suffering from a mental health condition, or taking medication that is helping him to cope with his mental health condition.
 
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Danjo replied to An_241258's response:
That last line makes sense. I suppose I need to evaluate my trust in him. He is a pretty determined person and does not want our marriage to end. But he is a time bomb or at least has been and I need to see how long it will be before I don't always have that feeling of, "when is he going to go off?"

Thanks for the input.


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