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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Confused and looking for support
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missconfused posted:
I used to feel like i was in control of my life until recently. I was 26 at the time aspiring to be a cop until i ripped my muscles in my arms working out one day and started to have kidney failure. I was shocked, saddened and confused on how this could even happen? was i working out too hard was there something else wrong with me I thought. Tests after tests, thinking at one point i might have MS scared me. Not to long after that after years of testing with the academy and passing two out of the three levels and finally making it to the last one my doctor told me to stop. I had to give up the dream and look for something else less strenous. I was heartbroken all the years of hard work were put to rest. Shortly after that scarrier news fell upon my ears that I had a growth in my thyroid and had to have it removed bc they kept finding cells that looked cancerous. I was like how can this be now 27 a broken person. I was terrified like what is the scare going to look like, is it gonna be cancer for sure, will my new boyfriend of only 4months stick through this mess after mess with my health? To my suprise he stayed but all of a sudden after all this stress memories of me being molested by my brother came to surface. Memories of a past boyfriend that became a petifile came to surface. I pretty much was now living in horror from past things that have happened to present medical conditions that were now evolving. I started to have visions of my now new boyfriend having sexual encounters with his past girlfriends pop up in my head. They are so vivid it makes me sick, angry, and frustrated. How can this be when my new boyfriend is nothing like my past boyfriend. I sit there and make him feel guilty for having past relationships and sexual partners when I too have had sexual partners. I know i shouldnt make him feel that way bc he never brings up the past. If anything he just sits there and begs me to stop or even says sorry. I feel so bad that if this is someone i love why am i doing this to him. I keep trying to stop my thoughts but it only makes my thoughts worse. I used to work full time and go to school full time and now its hard to even keep a job with everything going on. I am very determined so i enrolled into an intensive dbt program and im still struggling. I see a rape trauma counselor and still am having these thoughts. I dont get pleasure out of these thoughts. I dont know how i could if its about my new boyfriend eating his ex girls out or playing with sexual toys or even having sex with girls in our apartment i just recently moved into. I know that my past relationship really screwed me bc he was a constant cheater and a liar. I had no idea he slept with two teenagers and had another girlfriend on the side when we were dating at the time. Let alone of him being sick and twisted. Its been six years since we have been together and it still bugs me and if i ever see him driving i feel like i just saw the devil. My new boyfriend though is so opposite. hes selfless, loving, kind, affectionate and in my heart i know i would like to marry him and have kids but at the rate with my thoughts im hoping i dont sabatoge it. All this trauma i have been through has just turned into me being a big mess of anxiety/OCD driven thoughts thats hard to fix. I did everything that the docs, psychs have told me take even depression and anxiety meds. im so sensitive though i feel like on everyone of them i take i wanna hurt myself. it finally landed me in the psych ward for three days which i was terrified there. one more trauma added to my belt. now that im off of all meds the docs wanna put me on fluvoxamine. im scared to take anything since im so sensative. how is my body gonna react i question and is this one gonna make me feel like going crazy? i have so many questions on what to do as far as my thoughts about my new boyfriends past to me and taking meds and getting better. Someone help please!!!
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
confused,

first off...sorry to hear about your health issues, especially when they come out of the blue like that. Hopefully they get everything figured out and you get back to good health.

As for your past experiences, I think its fair to say that you have been thru your share of troubling events. I am in counciling as well, we all have demons/skeletons that we need to deal with from our past, some worse than others. But the one thing I have realized from my counciling is that my memories from my past have become much more vivid and more frequent like you mentioned. I strongly feel that this is happening because of the therapy, we are trying to deal with these issues by talking about them. So it seems natural that they will be on the brain more often. In my case, i have been able to see a memory or event and try to deduce what other effects it may have had on me or why i reacted the way i did. To that point I have also caught myself overanalyzing current situations and looking at things in different ways. Could be a possible defense mechanism, i dont know. Given that your exbf was a cheater, liar, pedophile, etc. It makes sense that your worried about your current bf...but if he is a great guy and cares about you, odds are he isnt doing any of those things your imagining. Have you told him about the visions/dreams that you have had, maybe talking to him about it and opening up with him may help? We all have had past relationships, whats done is done and you need to focus on your future with him and making this relationship the best one yet

best wishes,

IC
 
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grimrider responded:
wow...thats alot to be going thru and i feel ur misery...i get lil paranoid with my thoughts about my SO and other girls too....but i try to push them away as hard as i can and try to focus on positive...luckily my kids become an easy distraction for me.. but in all honesty my opinion would be continue with the counseling i feel getting it all out will only make you feel better in the end and as far as a relationship if you cant be secure with urself i dont feel it fair to put someone else thru it. true the support would be nice. but if you really cared for this person be fair about it and have that talk with him....maybe like "this is wat im going thru its may be alot and can get very stressful...do you feel comfortable standing by my side thru this?" your on a path to self recovery thru all the abuse you've endured and i feel in time it could all come to peace just dont try to run from it. closing it in could only make it worse...just my opinion.


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