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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
What would it even be called?
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An_249066 posted:
I've been trying to find a support group of some sort to discuss my current troublesome relationship issues but apparently it is such a rare case that there's no such thing. I actually posted this in another discussion before I found this group.[br>I've been separated from my husband of ten years for almost four years now and divorced officially for almost a year. We have two kids and all the court orders are in place. Things are still kind of crazy at times because I during our marriage I was primarily a stay at home mom so I left the relationship with no job. I tried going back to school but that proved to be a waste of money and time, and now I can't find a job. I currently live on support and struggle to stay confident most of the time.[br>I dated a few guys briefly after the separation just to experience some intimacy (which I hadn't in the ladder years of the marriage) but never let anything go further than a fun time out for a night.[br>Then I found myself being pursued by a great guy fighting for a divorce from his wife of 6 years. She has borderline personality disorder and they have three kids together.[br>We could talk about everything and anything and seemed to be meant for each other. We ended up becoming romantic and eventually tried to build a relationship. We saw each other quite a bit for the first year or so and eventually decided to try and live together, both because he was always at my house anyway and because we knew it would help financially for both of us. We lived in my apartment for some time then moved into a bigger place to fit all the kids. I quit my cashiering job to go back to school and complete my 2 year degree (which I started near the end of my marriage but stopped because of the personal turmoil of the separation) because he said he would help me. Then all of a sudden he decided to the advice of his lawyer that he was going to move back to the town he lived in with his wife in order to aid his pursuit of full custody of his three kids. He moved a week before Christmas. He asked me to move with him but I said no because it would have been too far away from my kids school and I didn't want to sacrifice them for him. [br>In the process of his divorce trial his wife managed to get a temporary court order stating no cohabitation and that I'm not allowed around the kids during certain times, that being the only way she would agree to him having more time with the kids. She has done everything in her power to try to break us up because in her delusional state of BPD she thinks if she does he's going to "come home and fix this". So, now he lives a half hour away...I can't find a job with my garbage two year degree ... and our relationship frustrates me more and more every day. I can't help but feel like he lives like a bachelor coming and going as he pleases while I try to stay patient waiting for him to get a final court order, after waiting for what has been over a year now since the last day in court.[br>I can't help but want a "normal" relationship with him where we can just live together and be like a family but at the same time I don't think it will ever happen and it makes me think about breaking it off with him. I love him very much and we've been trying to make things work for a few years now but nothing seems to change. His (hopefully soon to be) ex-wife is a crazed maniac sucking the life out of him and turning the kids against me more and more every day, slowly killing the idea that I might be able to be a part of his family.[br>Ultimately the thing about this is my overwhelming desire to be with him and be his partner. I want so badly to just move on and create a life with him. We've even talked about him giving up his kids because their mother is completely insane and makes everything as hard as she can for him to be a part of their lives. [br>Maybe I need a divorce/dating a guy with an ex who has bpd/just want a normal life support group. I don't even know
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IslandL responded:
My question is why is it taking so long for him to get a divorce? I understand custody battles can drag it out, but they've been going through this for a few years now apparently. Are you sure he actually wants a divorce? Are you sure the current status of separation and custody arrangement isn't suiting him just fine? If his last court date was a year ago, it's quite surprising he hasn't gotten a final order. I'm sorry, but I have to wonder if he is being truthful with you.

As far as getting a job, have you looked to your community college as a potential source for leads? They may have an office that helps with placement, usually there are bulletin boads at college where jobs are posted also. Have you tried looking into temporary services? Employment agencies? Posting your resume on monster.com? Sometimes just taking a job you don't really want as a stop-gap measure can give a boost of confidence while looking for something else. Yes, I'm talking about McDonald's and the like. Even something for just a few weeks, holiday help, will at least bring in a little extra for you.

As far as support groups...my idea would be to look for those who are geared toward helping people get through a divorce. Some churches sponser them. You might also look into a co-dependecy group. I'm not sure if that is an issue for you, but it might be.

Good luck hon.
 
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grimrider replied to IslandL's response:
agree its convenient for him. seems maybe you should start taking all the focus off of him and the relationship and focus on the things you want to do better urself and your life.
 
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ZodiacZip replied to IslandL's response:
Thank you for your response. A lot of people have a hard time understanding why it's taking so long for the judge to send out the decision, including us. His lawyer says it's because theres so much that needs to be included in the order. I was actually a large part of most of the trial, having been called as a witness and attending most of the dates in court with him for support. Because of this, seeing what he deals with in regards to his turmoil with his children and their mother, and the fact that we spend a lot of time together I believe what he says. However, I do believe that his new found time as an almost single man suits him well. He spends a lot of time "playing", which I think is healthy to an extent, but worries me when I consider the ever fading possibility of us being a family.
On the subject of finding work, the local community college which I attended has very few leads for people especially with the degree I received. It's in general studies because I originally planned on transferring and getting my bachelors. I know now that is nearly impossible. I have applied for jobs at places ranging from civil service to fast food and still nothing. The town I live in is a low income dreadful area from which I would love to move but would be risking being too far away from my kids school. That just isn't an option right now.
After some consideration I do realize codependency describes me. My ex husband was a total narcissist. And as hard as it is for me to admit I think my current relationship exhibits the signs.
It all makes sense, I grew up with drug and alcohol addicted parents. But that's a totally different support group....
 
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ZodiacZip replied to grimrider's response:
And I agree with this to an extent. Although I see him suffering in his own complications, I also agree I have taken a great deal of focus off myself and it shows. I thought I was doing the right thing by continuing my education and staying close for my children, but in the process I have apparently lost sight of what I really want for me.
I appreciate the responses, and would continue this conversation for sure.


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