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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
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G33kGrl posted:
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. We have two kids (Boy 2 yrs and Girl 9 mo) and have lived together since about 6 months after we became a couple. He's separated from his wife and she desperately wants a divorce. He swears he hates her and wants a divorce but refuses to do anything towards getting one done. He says he just "doesn't want to deal with it". They have no kids, no assets, and no debt. I've been through a divorce and have been helping him...by technically doing it all. I told him he has to do it himself. I've tried to explain to him how it makes me feel that he's still married, how I would like him to fully commit to me, and I'd like to eventually be married again...which he swears he wants to marry me. I don't know what to do. We talk and he tells me its just me having the problem, that he doesn't believe he has to "change" or show me anything.
I've wanted to leave many times because I'm always being told I deserve better or that if he hasn't listened in 3 years then he wont start now. I have to agree but I do love him, we have kids together, and I'm hoping with help...things can change. I need to know what to do. I've tried explaining it every way I can, tried making deals, compromising, and finally just dealt with it. I'm unbelievably unhappy, stressed, and just plain sick by everything...including this...that is going on.

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darlyn05 responded:
If his still legal wife desperately wants a divorce why doesn't she file for divorce? You did not list counseling as an option. If you attend church services, have you considered speaking with your minister/pastor etc..? Are you able to truly accept an ending to the relationship you have with one another and part peacefully? Can you truly accept a possible answer from him that he still has some kind of connection with/to her that's holding him back? Can you detach and disassociate yourself from the relationship in a way of protecting yourself emotionally?

Usually when couples or a person has truly moved on from a relationship the emotion they have towards their ex partner is one of indifference. Not hate or anything like ill will.

It sounds as though there is more going on than the divorce issue - "including this...that is going on."
 
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G33kGrl replied to darlyn05's response:
No. As far as just our relationship there is nothing more going on. The other stuff is normal life stress. But when trying to run a household smoothly...stuff like this doesn't help. I have told him I believe that he isn't quite over her and it shows with his refusal to move things along. I have also mentioned counseling but I don't have high hopes. He believes there's nothing he needs to work on and tried to avoid needing to have discussions about issues at all costs. I don't think I could completely distance myself or "not care" enough to protect myself emotionally, but I can't very well stay if things will not work. I have asked him that if he does not want to get divorced, or move forward with me, that all I want is an honest answer and I mean it. Yet I always get what he thinks I want to hear. I guess I'm tired of getting my hopes up and trying only to become disappointed and hurt. I'm afraid that doing counseling will do the same thing. Because after leaving the office he'd still need to help me work on things and communicate. If he's not willing to do the work...the counseling is pointless.
 
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queston replied to G33kGrl's response:
It seems fairly clear to me what you need to do, although you may not be ready to do it: you need to tell him that it is his choice. If he wants to be with you, than he needs to divorce his wife. If he won't do that, than your relationship is over.

Of course, you need to really mean it when you tell him that, and you need to be prepared to follow through if (as I suspect will be the case) he chooses to call your bluff. So don't tell him that until you're ready to follow through.

Le's not make this complicated: if he won't divorce his wife, then he's clearly not completely committed to a future with you. There might be other factors swirling around the margins of the issue, but that's the central reality here.
 
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G33kGrl replied to queston's response:
Thank you very much. I have told him that if he's not willing to do this then we should go our separate ways. And your right, he did "call my bluff" or at least seemed very unconcerned. I guess I just wanted to know I was making the right decision. So I guess I will need to make plans and get my affairs in order.Once again...thank you.


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