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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I married his family!!
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cm1706 posted:
Well my husband and I have been married for almost 8 months and are also expecting our first child. I knew there would be issues between his mother, sisters and I from the beginning, but being pregnant has REALLY strengthened the tension. I really just want him to cut the umbilical cord already! However anytime we talk about this it blows up. I am 4 years older than him and have been out of my parent's house since 18, however, this was his FIRST move out. I realize this could be part of the problem.

For example: tonight we had plans to visit my sister for my nephew's first birthday. I hardly see her and she lives 2 hours away. His parents live 15 minutes from us!! Anyway, we had also told his mom we would come help her decorate the tree for a little bit before we went. So we are at his parents house for 2 hours and they still haven't started decorating and it's time for us to go....I was upset, however I gave in and said we could stay about 30 more minutes....so his obsessive mother starts unpacking boxes of all these ornaments that all have a story with them etc...there are 100s...we just don't have time for it...and aparently he is the one that decorates with his mom while everyone watches..anyhow...he wants to stay, I want to go, but he is trying to make me and his mother both happy..in the end I win..but then I feel like crap!...also both his sister's are unable to bear children and they can't stand to be around me because I'm pregnant....I really feel like the bad guy in this family!!
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queston responded:
This is a classic early marriage issue--what needs to happen is for him to accept that you are now the most important woman in his life: moreso than his mother or his sisters.

In this situation, it would have been completely reasonable to say "we'll stop by but we can only stay until (time)." Then, it really doesn't matter whether the tree has been decorated--when the designated time comes, you say your goodbyes. And it needs to be him who takes the lead in establishing these boundaries with his family.

I've always been pleased with the decision my wife and I made to move 2000 miles away from our families after we married, because we mostly avoided this stuff. (Of course, there were other downsides...)

Perhaps a counselor or clergy person (if applicable) could be helpful if he doesn't get this concept on his own.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
I know it seems like an impossible hurdle right now, and being pregnant and more emotional than usual does not help, I know.

Queston is right, your husband needs to realize that your request was not unreasonable, you made plans, and you had every right to assume he'd stick with the plan. To EXPECT him to stick to the plan.

I know it's hard for some people when they leave home to get into the mindset that their parents don't "boss" them anymore, for lack of a better term. My husband experienced it and there were things that would make me very upset the first few years we were married. Moving away from her was the best decision we ever made, honestly....we only lived 1/2 mile from her, and she expected him to jump at her every whim. That's not realistic when you're married. He has a life with you, and while he shouldn't cut his family out of his life just because he's married, you (and soon the baby) have to be his first priorities.

If you haven't already, you need to have a serious discussion about how this all makes you feel. Just try to stay calm and state your position without becoming argumentative, and I also agree that if you have a pastor or another mentor that you could both talk to, that would be GREAT. Sometimes it just sounds clearer coming from someone not directly involved.

Congratulations on the baby, btw!
 
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casaloca responded:
Hi Cm1706 — First of all — congrats on the new baby coming!! Exciting times! I'm so sorry for the struggles you're having with your in-laws. This really is such a hard thing for LOTS of couples, but especially difficult with pregnancy and resentment that is coming at you from others who can't conceive. HUGS to you!

Through my work with Focus on the Family, I've read this article series that gives some helpful hints on setting boundaries"026and tips for what to do when your in-laws try to take over your life. Gary Chapman has also done a guide book for in-law relationships that might give some good ideas, too. Anyway, just a few thoughts for you in case they'd help.

I really feel for you and hope you and your hubby can communicate well and figure out a way to resolve this as you begin your lives together as a family. Hang in there!!! Keep us posted, ok?
 
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ibabancroft responded:
CM1706,

I completely understand your frustration. My ex-husband and I married young and were expecting a baby shortly after we got married. My ex-husband was the fourth of six children and had very close ties to his mother. This became a toxic element in our relationship throughout the entire duration. He refused to cut ties and ultimately it was one of the reasons we divorced. It is not surprising that every time the topic comes up he gets upset. He needs to understand that although his mother is important, priorities change as you get older and begin a family of your own. He needs to be the one who has any discussions with his family members about backing down or cutting the cord. Living within a close proximity does not help things either. The next time that you have to sit down and have this conversation with your husband, approach the subject gently and reassure him that it is not that you do not care about his family, but that you both are trying to have a family of your own. It is important to emphasize that your new family needs attention too and that you have family on your own side that would like to have a relationship with him as well. Family is not one sided. It will be a difficult conversation I am sure, but coming up with ground rules as far as times that you will be leaving as stated by others on this post will help get the ball rolling.
 
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Infrared responded:
This guy is NOT going to accept anything save unless it comes from HIS family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wish I could candy coat it for you this holiday season.
I have been through the wringer with my,ahem, wife's family nonsense for 13 years and the birth of a daughter made it worse for all on that side are HOARDERS so you see it can be worse but as for me I avoid them like the plague even though they have bought all the lies told to them from the other side.
Only advice.Laugh a lot and leave early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It would be refreshing if he would grow up, cut the umbilical cord, and come to terms that you and your child to be ARE his present and future responsibilities and the past associations are nice but have to be put in perspective. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You deserve better than a mommy's boy!
 
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AmyBGray responded:
Don't feel that away because those are issues that they have to deal with. God blesses us in different ways and this is your blessing from Him! As far as your husband and his family, take it the Lord and leave it there because he will take care of it all. Believe and trust that He will and do NOT be stressing because babies cannot take that and I am praying for a healthy and happy baby. Be BLESSED and Happy Holiday's!
 
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AuctionDog2 responded:
I found out the same thing with my husband of 8 years. I married
his daughter,four of her daughters and 1 daughter has a husband(they use the system to take advantage of the government) 2 great grand children and they take advantage of father,grandfather,etc. We took the time to go move them from Washington State to Idaho and all they do is complain about our weather.
 
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LadyC responded:
Hello.
Congratulations on the new addition.

I am so sorry that this is so stressful for you.

I agree with a lot of what has been said here about establishing limits. My husband and I have been together 18 years and it can still get frustrating. I am not good at establishing limits with my family of origin.

Some of what you are going through could be about how that side of the family lives. In my family of origin we all live close to each other or visit a lot. Not that many decades ago here and around the world families lived in the same house. Different generations and brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. I see a lot of this still happening with new immigrants. It's just the way it has always been for them. North America really doesn't live this way much any more. It wasn't until I read a book that talked about someone from North America marrying another person from another culture
& they couldn't figure out why after they married they would still live in the family home. In North America we grow up, leave home and establish our own residence.

Decades even centuries ago living in the same house with your relatives usually meant other women were breastfeeding their babies and could help out with feeding yours if you were not available.

All ways of living have good sides and not so good sides. My hubby and I still argue about how much my family is involved in our lives and yet he acknowledges when we need help that they are there for us.

I wish on this Christmas Eve 2012 that your baby grows up with the love and care of both families and learns how important a healthy family is.

Good luck with setting those limits. After 18 years its sort of getting easier. It won't take you 18 years, I don't think. Just me.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah , Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays.

LMC
 
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Renteria6 responded:
Setting limits and timeframes is reasonable. Just remember without your mother in law ....you wouldn't have your husband. She made him what he is today and I am sure there is lots to be thankful for. Patience, when you have your baby you will understand the "cord" doesn't stop with birth or marriage.....


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