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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Emotional Abuse
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cwgirl8461 posted:
I was involved with a man for for years. We were a couple.. He is 45 years old never been married and no children. I had a concern about that when I first started seeing him. He is/ was a very good guy in most ways. But...... When he would get upset or mad about something he would need time to cool off, not a normal time frame of calling off, it would be days, weeks, sometimes months. In the beginning of us dating, he got mad at me cause I did not tell people we were dating, when I really didn't know what we were doing , he hadn't kissed me, or acted like we were dating, we were friends and hung out a lot together , no intimacy, then once we were actually dating an a short time had went by he got mad cause he had been mad at me about something and I went to a neighbors party and he accused me of going there to be hooked up with some guy.... Then we worked through that, then he got mad that I wasn't ready for him to meet my mother. That time after he had bugged me about that for a while, he got mad and didn't talk to me for a few weeks, till I went to him and tried to talk.. So over a four year time span, he kept doing this, don't get me wrong he did a lot of really nice things also and had a lot of good attributes. But every time he would get upset about something he needed to walk away and cool off he said, some was trying to accept that about him, I called it his cave time, but it was always something else, didn't have to be major. He would fly off the handle at the smallest things. We are not together anymore, but I am hurting badly cause he blamed me for everything. He was never wrong, never sorry, never apologized, I couldn't ask him questions like how is your day, cause he worked a regular job and farmed , and if I asked him that between things, he would get mad and say ask me at the end of my day. Anyway we broke up for a long time, and then started tailing as friends, but then he would do things like hold my hand or kiss me, once in a while, but then he still got mad about little stuff and wouldn't talk to me for days. I always ended up going to talk to him. This last time, even though we were just friends, he was remodeling his bathroom and had no shower and he had worked till 930 pm and had been showering at his moms, so I offered to him that he could come to my house to shower and he blew up at me and said I was being disrespectful to his mother, offering that because what would she think cause she knows he cant shower at home, I replied I thought if your moon is like mine she us sleeping, I was trying to be thoughtful of his. On and he was yelling at me, and I replied your 45 years old so if you want to shower somewhere else, think your mom would know...he could have just nicely said thanks for the offer but my mom will worry or something if I don't show up but he went ballistic on me. I told him I felt he had anger issues and I did not deserve to be talked like that and I thought he needed to get some help with his anger issues. Have not heard from him, which is normal, but it hurts still that he thinks he is never wrong,.,,,,,,,
Reply
 
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queston responded:
Is there a question in there, or or you just looking to vent?

First of all, let's acknowledge that most people are never wrong (in their own eyes) when it comes to their love relationships. Perhaps the more reasonable among us can sometimes be convinced that yes, we might be part of the problem. So his attitude strikes me as an extreme version of how people generally are.

Same thing with the super-long grudge-holding/cooling-off period: it's a perfectly normal behavior which he takes to an extreme.

At the risk of stating the obvious, it seems like your relationship with him (whatever it is) is quite one-sided. It would almost surely be in your best interest to not invest too much into this relationship.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
Could you possibly have your expectations up a bit too high, for him 'and' yourself? Do you expect him to comply to doing things your way, to submit to handling things as you think they should be? Do you feel you are not getting the amount of attention you want(or deserve)? Is it possible that you want something from him he can not or chooses that he does not want the same thing as you?

The majority of persons who have been involved with most any form of abuse will gladly accept the time out cooling off period. If his need for a time out cooling off period goes to an extreme of a healthy committed adult relationship, then you may want to consider what this is telling you. Not just about him, about yourself as well. Your needs, wants, goals, dreams, aspirations and 'expectations'. Think about emotional intelligence and the maturity that comes with it. Why do you feel that you 'need' him so much?
 
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cwgirl8461 replied to darlyn05's response:
My expectations to high, when he got mad all the time, in between all the good stuff and would walk out to cool off for weeks or months, I know what it says about me that I loved him, but I also tolerated to much from him, I don't know what your talking about needing him so much..the things he got mad about were if I made decisions on my own about my farm, if I liked to be told I look nice.
 
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cwgirl8461 replied to queston's response:
Just wanting opinions, I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his anger outbursts, he accepts no responsibility for his anger. It was a great relationship most of the but also really bad at the the many many times if his anger Outbursts about many trivial things. I communicated very well, he could. It communicate with out yelling, his only positive communication was verbalized through songs.
 
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queston replied to cwgirl8461's response:
OK, here's my opinion...

The option that would probably be healthiest for you would be to cut off your relationship with him completely, and continue to seek therapy/treatment for your issues.

What, other than grief, are you getting from your relationship with him?
 
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cwgirl8461 replied to queston's response:
Nothing now that we are not together. But when we were together there was alot of good but lots of anger too, unneccessary anger. Just trying to get through this and heal.

If I didn't mention this I believe his anger is due to unresolved grief as he lost three brothers to death, two in two separate car accidents when he was a child and another brother to cerebral palsy, and then the father left the family
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
Well there isn't really any excuse for his behavior. Consider yourself lucky to have gotten out when you did. The hard part is over, so leave it at that and move on. His anger would have probably progressed further to violence.
 
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longduckdong46 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
However to me it sounds as though she is still trying to hold on to him.
cwgirl, although you state things are over, they really are not in your mind. Weigh the good times vs. the bad with this man and do your best to place him in the past where he belongs.
Like Guard said this could have turned violent and you could have become a victim to more than just emotional abuse.


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