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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
discovering my husbands affair
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nph106 posted:
I just found out on New Years day that my husband has been having an affair with one of my best friends. After multiple days of discovery, each new layer only confessed when cornered, I am just starting to be able to breathe. I guess I am looking for some feedback on how to move forward. He is now seeing a therapist, who is working with the compulsive aspect of what they have done. To do this is absolutely not in his makeup, so feel this is positive, and most days think we can get through this, but quiet times, evening and commutes to and from work are defeating me. I really was betrayed by 2 equally important people in my life. We are in the same social circles, and I don't know how to handle going into the public area where we are sure to cross paths. We have 2 grown sons with families of their own, who are also living in this area,and I am choosing to protect them from this situation at this time. Is that the right thing to do?? I just don't know. I understand that for us to get through this, I will need to at some point trust again, but right now I cannot see myself getting there. They met often while I was at work, and I am really struggling with this. Guess I just need to know there is some hope that I can get past these horrible movies that keep flashing in front of me if I stop moving, or tools that I can use to erase them. Can trust ever really be restored??
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fcl responded:
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. All I can say is that it takes months to make progress on this kind of thing and that it is perfectly normal for you to be feeling the way you are - it's still VERY raw in your mind.

Please make an appointment with a marriage counsellor for both of you. You need to work on your marriage together. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and effort.

I wish you all the best.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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nph106 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you for the kind words. I start each day thinking 'I can do this' and end each evening facing a brick wall. Rotten state to be in! My problem is the other party in this mess, sadly, was my go to person for bad situations, and I haven't been able to just vent,get things off my chest, and try to gain some perspective. My other close friends are mostly family, and they don't need to be thrown in the dumpster with us. I guess this is the reason I came to this site! Thanks again.
 
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fcl replied to nph106's response:
Could I suggest something? Please post your message on the relationship board. You'll find it here:

http://exchanges.webmd.com/relationships-and-coping-community

There is a therapist there (Dr Becker-Phelps) who often answers questions and who is very helpful. There is also a bit more movement over there than here at the moment. You might get some useful insight and support.

Wishing you well,

FCL
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. With the differing and agonizing emotions I'm sure you feel as though you are somewhat crazy on this roller coaster. Please be assured you are not.

New Years day was only 12 days ago, and you said there were multiple days of discovery. I'm certain you are being too hard on yourself concerning your healing. There is no time frame of healing, each person is different as with the circumstances. The phases or stages may be the same and still unique to the situation and persons involved. I'm affraid I don't know of any short cuts for this, I do know it isn't healthy to skip parts of the healing process. Good days and bad days are expected, this is normal, including the imagery. In time the good will or could outweigh the bad.

How often has he seen a/his therapist? Why do you think his and her actions were 'compulsive'? Has the OW/your friend been confronted(in the sense it's not a secret anymore)? Can you speak with your husband openly with what you are experiencing? If so, is he validating you?

As FCL suggested, a marriage counselor would be of great benefit for you and your husband. And the other exchange that has Dr Becker-Phelps featured as an expert.

I've heard many times that the children were not informed, then later on wished they had been. For purposes to clear up any confusion or rifts, and there be a better understanding of things that arose from the situation. NOT AS VINDICTIVE!

As for the OW, your friend, for myself I'd let it be known that at this junction I have nothing to say to them. If there is any hope of repair for the friendship now is not the time. As for being in the same social circle, I might cut down the time I spend attending and if someone asks why we(friend & I) are not 'joined at the hip' I'd say we had already talked/spoken and/or that maybe I was feeling a bit under the weather. This is also an opportunity to broaden your circle. As for the trust being restored, that's as unique as the situation, circumstances and persons involved.

I do hope you feel better, or have more positive thoughts soon.
 
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nph106 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you for the suggestion. I will think about it.
 
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nph106 replied to darlyn05's response:
Thank you for your insite. My husband has now seen the therapist 3 times. He called the local mental health center 4 days after d-day, and after interviewing him, they placed him with counselor that deals with addiction, compulsion tendencies. The therapist determined that he has a compulsive issue and that is the direction of treatment they are taking. It will evolve to a 12 step type program.He has been very open and communcative with both me and the therapist, so I am hopeful in that area. He has been validating of what I am going thru also. As for the OW, we did have both a face to face and phone confrontation: she is aware that any intentional contact or future friendship is never to be. We are a farming community, and she and I also work in neighboring medical offices,so social run-ins will be unavoidable: both H & OW are aware it is their responsibility to make it smooth when this happens. I really appreciate your suggestions on responses to use when questioned. With our children, I feel it will be better to let them know what we have gone thru when I can be alittle more objective, and can say that their dad got immediate help to fix what was broken. May not have a choice in this, as they are very in tune to my emotions and know something is off, but as you stated, not being vindictive is the key, and I am absolutely not there yet.
Again, thank you for the words of advice.
 
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mnmgrl28 responded:
I was just reading your story, and being in a similar situation myself. I wanted to ask, since its been 5 months, does it get easier?


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