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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I had to vent, can I also get advice?
theorie posted:
I think I better mention I'd like to think I'm an open-minded woman. I'd like to think that I can reason with and talk myself down from a lot of my emotions- they tend to hit like a tornado - little warning, often leaving behind a disaster that's difficult to recover from...

I'm also a 27-yo with a lot of bedroom experience. (Yes, this is unfortunately relevant.)

He's 27, works at fast food 30 miles away from our super-rural home. When I met him, he was a 20yo virgin that could barely speak to anyone, much less girls, because he had such terrible self esteem.

Though we don't technically have an open relationship, I'm bisexual, and we've had a fling with another woman before... nothing I felt threatened by, y'know?

On to the trouble... he's been flirting with a girl he works with (barely 18). Too young even if she is mature. My rule is that nothing can happen without me being there, not even kissing. One point of that rule - and making sure potential bedmates know it - is to ensure there isn't much chance for an emotional attachment to grow that I don't see. I worried I'd not be comfortable with it. Suddenly I'd no longer be the "cool" wife that let things like this happen in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it too... that time.

Such an insecure wreck I've been... let me back up a little.

We took her to her home when she didn't have a ride a few nights ago. This was the first time I'd seen the girl. She is thinner than me, has larger breasts, knows how to apply makeup, and has the cutest giggle. I'm attracted. She wanted to kiss him without me there, but did it in front of me... I saw it right away, later to be confirmed vocally by both of them. They have fallen in love. Not lust. Love.

My husband and I used to talk about finding a girl to add to the family, sort of like Aiel sister-wives if anyone gets the reference. I like the theory well enough, but now that we have reached this point, I find myself unable to cope with the diversity of my emotions, I can't even keep a meal down. I guess that could be good for losing weight, but I digress...

My husband says he doesn't want to lose me, and he will put a stop to this if I want him to. That's just it. I can't ask him to stop this. It has to be her decision, because there isn't much I hate about myself more than the jealousy that wants to fire up at odd moments. I don't think I would mind if they didn't already have such a strong emotional bond, if I was on a level playing field with him or there was any room for me in it. I don't believe she is bi-curious in the slightest, as the few kisses I stole from her were decidedly awkward, nothing compared to the fire I saw in them. THEIR relationship has nothing to do with me. I'm certain that for wanting to give him the same joy he has given me, I'll end up allowing it to continue in the same vein. Without me, like she wants.

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I let him do the right thing, and end it? I told him, "Not because of me." Though I was shivering with dread when I said it. I don't want to be that jealous woman, and aside from internalizing what I feel about it (not healthy, as our relationship is built on honesty), I don't know how else to NOT be jealous and still have him know that I would go to the ends of the earth to make him happy. She is young, lovely, charismatic, everything I am to him and more. My only advantage over her is proverbially slim - we have kids and history.

I fear I've set myself up to compete with another woman rather than have another simple fling. I don't have the fortitude for this. I'm already in agony, and I can't even make myself tell him that because he deserves the ego boost and I love him too much! I cry when I'm alone, I throw up, I feel numb... I hate myself.

What can I do besides leave so he can have what he deserves?

Take the Poll

Do you guys get where I'm coming from here?
  • Not really
  • Mostly
  • Completely
  • You're insane for considering allowing it
  • It's a fun idea in theory, but it'll never work long-term
View Poll Results
darlyn05 responded:
Why don't you tell him that the arrangement was mean't to 'enhance' your husband/wife relationship, not to replace it. So the relationship he has with her is not acceptable and needs to end.
lettemommyof2 replied to darlyn05's response:
That is the craziest thing ever...your worried about being jelous? ha i would be worried about killin them. Anyways honey that is not being jelous that is being a human being. You feel that you have been replaced, tell him how you feel.
stevesmw responded:
Very risky behavior when you have kids. You are trying to get the needs of 3 people in perfect balance.
GuardSquealer responded:
Just curious how it came about that you kissed her? That has to be an awkward situation for a barely 18 year old girl.

Personally I don't see it working out. If she isn't into the bi thing, then she will never be interested in you. And your never going to be happy with your husband being in love with another, thinner, bigger boobed, younger woman.

In actuallity your husband should back off all together from her. It isn't fair that an older man, working in an enviroment were pretty much everyone else is going to be barely 18, is hitting on the young girls. Especially since he is married with children. There still are things called morals, and I don't think he is showing very good ones. Even if you are ok with another woman somehow in your relationship, it doesn't seem that this is the correct way of going about it.
billnjenn responded:
A bit confusing.

Put aside the issue of her age, that is a seep rat issue.

You and hubby sound like you both have an interest in a threesome with another women. That is fine, normal, and fairly common. The problems seem that he found the women and she is only interested in him. You have set no ground rules.

Adding others to your married sex life for a night or a year can be great fun and help your relationship. Especially since you clearly are interested in being with another female sexually.

The failure here seems as it so often is in most issues, communications. What is the plan, what are the rules? It sounds more they want fun without the wife but with her blessing. That works in some relationships but does not seem to be what you want.

Three can be much more fun than two, you can ask my husband. But it is 10 times more complicated and takes planning not chance. Find out if all three of you are on the same page, if so enjoy, if not end it.

Seems to me your desires to be with her and your perception she is more attractive than you are at the heart of the issue. Be confident in what you have to offer and both are more likely to want to be with you in and out of bed.
billnjenn replied to billnjenn's response:
Always frustrating when someone starts a topic and after others reply with opinions, questions and advice the original poster does not respond.
darlyn05 replied to billnjenn's response:
This thread is a year old. That's why no response.
billnjenn replied to darlyn05's response:
my mistake the poll was at the top of my page for some odd reason so I thought it was recent, thanks.

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