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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I am 67 years old and I've been married for over 30 years. The relationship has had it's ups and downs. We've had plenty of arguments. My wife had been in therapy for many years and about 5 years ago had a falling out with her therapist and stopped therapy. She self medicates with alcohol and can become mean at times. Whenever I recommended she resume therapy she said I was the one that needed it (mommy issues). About two years ago I had had it and even checked into a hotel for a day and ordered another bed, so I wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. My wife also said I was getting senile. I have always been a very self analytic person and very self aware of why I did things.
I now had to deal with two issues; why I wasn't in therapy and that I was senile. I found a therapist that specialized on dementia issues and relationship issues. After multiple sessions, my therapist said there was no reason for me to do any dementia screening. I still work as a lead programmer and have received excellent performance evaluations for the last two years. We spent a lot of time talking about my background and the relationship with my wife. What I got out of it was relationship skills including defusing arguments and making sure that my wife understood that I was listening to her. My wife made me stop going to therapy. I accomplished what I wanted to and killed two of her issues. Money well spent and our relationship has greatly improved.
I can only guess. First, the objectives of seeing a therapist were fulfilled: 1. Dementia screening 2. That I actually saw a therapist 3. That any problems that I had were related to the relationship with my wife.
My wife mentioned cost, but I spent less on therapy than she spent on beer. I think the real reason was that she didn't like me talking about our relationship with someone else. She didn't ask me to find another therapist.
The last few appointments were sort of check ins and about a month apart. I didn't want to talk to a therapist in the first place, my objectives were met and if my wife didn't want me to see someone it was ok by me.
I attended therapy maybe six months, around 10 appointments. Things got better very early. My wife's fear of me being senile were relieved and the fact that I was seeing someone was a positive. The improvement was completed within a month after my wife asked me stop seeing someone.
Trying to use the new tools had their ups and downs. Here's an example: You are in argument and instead of continuing to fight, you walk away. How you walk away is important. If you just walk away, the person you are walking away from will be pissed. You need to say I'm getting upset and need sometime to calm down. Another thing: There's no point arguing with someone who is going after you. They won't listen because they are upset. If you have a point to make, wait until they have calmed down and are willing to listen.
I noticed your reply to another post. At the end of it you wrote "We are still married, but the end of the story wasn't happily ever after.". Is that relative to the mature sense of your marriage? Or would you have done something different?
First of all we still love each other very much and show it. What I didn't know going into the relationship was that my wife had PTSD which leads to hypervigilance, self medication with alcohol and smoking. After 10 years of marrige my wife lost her job and wasn't interested in going back to work. I supported her decision to go back to school where she got a second degree in studio art and gave her a great deal of enjoyment. I helped her through two knee replacements. She has had COPD for quite a few years and now is on oxygen almost all the time. She is afraid to leave the house because of catching a respiratory infection. I do my best to take care of the household chores. I have very little me time and need to exercise more. She is fantastic in bed, multi orgasmic but we may go a year or more without making love. I have a very high sex drive so this is frustrating. Things didn't end up the way they started or what I was expecting.
Life does throws things in our path that we don't expect, don't see coming, and/or are not prepared for. Do you have any close family or friends that perhaps can free you up for a couple of hrs a week? Maybe check with a visiting nurses association.
Thanx for sharing that. We can be our own worst enemy at times, as far as making time for some things. When we look back at the different phases of our lives, I'm sure many of us remember thinking to ourselves 'Didn't think of this coming up'. We see these things happening all around us, and are still oblivious to it.
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