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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
In need of advice...
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displaced83 posted:
I am a 29 year old female who got married in August of 2011. From the very beginning my relationship with my husband began to deteriorate. I recently left him because I felt that our problems could not be worked out. He refuses to keep a job, does not help me around the house with chores whatsoever, and is generally nasty to me. I have a very stressful job working in a prison, and need someone to talk to who will at least attempt to be sympathetic to the things I see and deal with at work. All he does is play video games all day long and eat all of our food. I feel like I have a teenage son, not a husband and life partner. However, I am now feeling bad about leaving. Since I left, he won't answer my calls, texts or emails. I'm just trying to make sure he at least found a new place to live and a job. Our lease ended when I left, and obviously I didn't renew it. Was I in the wrong for leaving? Should I feel bad for leaving? I don't know what to do anymore! I feel like my life is in turmoil between my hectic job and my failing marriage. It's all I can do to get up and go to work in the morning.
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darlyn05 responded:
How long ago did you seperate? Did the two of you talk/discuss caringly about the stress factors you were having? If so, was he receptive to any of it? Did you see any efforts from him to improve your situations?

When you say "It's all I can do to get up and go to work in the morning.", are you thinking that you are depressed from the seperation/change or from work itself?
 
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displaced83 replied to darlyn05's response:
I left over 2 weeks ago. I tried to talk to him about the stress I feel, and he basically would tell me he was tired of hearing about it. He felt there was nothing he could do. I told him if he at least got a job it would help financially, because we struggled with me being the only one working. He claimed he applied everywhere he could online, but would never physically go anywhere, not even a gas station, and apply. I would see effort with cleaning for a couple days after a big fight, but he would go right back to laying around all day doing nothing but play video games. I think I am depressed because of the change and separation,not really because of work. It's tough not having someone I can talk to about things in regards to work, but it's even harder dealing with all the changes of the separation and feeling like I'm out there on my own.
 
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darlyn05 replied to displaced83's response:
Do you have family or friends you can call to distract your thinking or bounce things off of? I wonder if you're also feeling some anxiety along with the depression. It's very common. Are you on any medication for this?

How did you handle the seperation, and what was your husbands response at the time?
 
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displaced83 replied to darlyn05's response:
I can talk to my friends and family but it doesn't seem to be enough. I am feeling anxiety because I feel like a failure due to what is happening with my marriage. I'm not on any medication for any of this. My husband acted like he did not care one way or the other. I guess at the time, when I left, I just kinda blocked everything out. I felt a sense of relief at first, but that feeling is gone. Now I just feel guilt, stress, and sadness.
 
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darlyn05 replied to displaced83's response:
I know it can be comforting when there is still some contact with the other person. Is that sort of how you're feeling? Like if you could bounce off your feelings with him right now and him being receptive, in a comforting or soothing way? You mentioned that you have e-mailed, texted and called him, so you obviously left a form of a message. Do you think you acted hastily? How far away did you move to? Are you living with family/friends now? Do you have a PCP you could see and discuss what you are experiencing and possibly get some anti-anxiety or anti-depression medicine? Have you considered going to counseling to help deal/cope with these things?
 
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stevesmw replied to displaced83's response:
You need to look at what happened in this relationship as lessons learned. Why you were attracted ot your husband, why you got married and why things didn't work out so you can be more successful in your next relationship.

I'm guessing your husband was angry with you for not being more supportive and started acting out. His behavior is difficult to explain without having more background. A mature person tries to hold up their end of the relationship; emotionally, financially, etc.
 
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displaced83 replied to darlyn05's response:
I just think it would help to know he is okay. I don't think I acted too hastily. The majority of our marriage was as I described, so I needed to get out before it got worse. I think I should see a counselor. I only moved 2 hours away to live with my sister. I should talk to my doctor and see about medication. Thank you for your advice! It really has helped!
 
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displaced83 replied to stevesmw's response:
It seemed that once we got married, he checked out. He wouldn't go anywhere with me, do anything with me, talk to me, show affection, anything. He wouldn't keep a job. I tried to get him to see a counselor, either separately or with me. He refused. Trust me, I have definitely learned from this experience and won't be quick to jump into anything again!
 
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darlyn05 replied to displaced83's response:
Let us know how you're doing okay!?!
 
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displaced83 replied to darlyn05's response:
I am doing somewhat better. It seems that the longer I go without talking to him or seeing him, the easier things become. It's unfortunate that he is treating this like a normal break up and not the end of a marriage, but what can I do? I'm just accepting the fact that things are over and picking up the pieces. I don't feel as down about things. I feel a little more settled in living with my sister and brother in law, so that has helped as well. Thank you all for your concern and advice!
 
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gd9900 responded:
You made a choice to leave this marriage based upon your happiness in life. You said it yourself that he isn't a husband or life partner...if that is what you want in your life realizing he does not fit the bill and moving in a direction that can lead you there is taking care of you and your happiness. Not to sound harsh, but you chose to leave that life behind you - keep it behind you. Let him worry about himself now, and you continue to take care of YOU!


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